To be clear, there is no Autumn or anyone else. I’m still figuring out how my new life will look and ready to explore that life alone for awhile. But when the time is right, I hope it comes so unexpectedly I have to catch my breath.
But I might have a little crush on Autumn Reeser.
Winter came and I was dark inside
Wasn’t living, just trying to survive
Wasn’t looking forward to Spring
There wasn’t a love song I could sing
And for once, I didn’t want the Summer heat
Then I saw you and you smiled at me
I wasn’t looking, didn’t see this coming
If I did I probably would’ve been running
I wasn’t ready for this again
Wasn’t ready for these feelings to begin
Wasn’t looking to love someone else
But you know I can’t lie to myself
These feelings I wasn’t expecting at all
Damn Autumn, I wasn’t expecting to fall
My life is now brighter than the colors of the leaves
The Cheesecake Factory, our first date. I remember it like it was yesterday, what you wore, most of what we talked about it, your laugh, your smile, your innocence.
You asked if you could order a Bud Light with your salad. I smiled and thought it was the cutest thing I’d ever heard. I ordered the Louisiana Chicken Pasta with a Mich Ultra. I was never a fan of Bud Light.
We’ve only been back once in the last nineteen years since then. We were going through our first rough patch and I thought it would help to remember.
It didn’t go well.
But we survived, we healed.
At least I felt as if we did.
Now, I am sitting across from you for the third time at this restaurant. If my memory serves me well, this may be the exact table we sat at. If it’s not, it’s pretty close.
I brought us back here, back to the starting line, to see if we can get a new start. Remember why, how, when we fell in love.
I’m not ready to cross the finish line yet.
But here we are.
You order an Angry Orchard , without asking. You started drinking cider years ago when you went gluten free. I still order the Louisiana Chicken Pasta. I know, so many choices but I like what I like. But I order an IPA.
I guess we all change in our own ways.
We both kind of half smile at each other. It feels like we both are afraid to speak first.
How did we get here?
Slowly the words come but the conversation doesn’t flow like it did all those years ago. Every word seems like a struggle. Both of us are afraid to say the wrong thing so we don’t say much at all.
I try to say something funny. But you don’t laugh. Man, how I miss the sound of your laugh. Right now, it would light up my world just to see you smile. But you don’t.
I reach across the table and touch your hand. You start to pull away but you leave it there. But there’s no feeling there. No spark. No emotion.
Damn this sucks.
We eat in silence but there are so many words in my head.
How did we get here? Can this be fixed? What did I do? What did I not do? Is it worth fixing? Why can’t we talk like we used to? Why’s it so hard to tear down these walls we built? Why can’t we get back to where we were all those years ago, in this same restaurant, when we fell in love? Love, what is it, does it even exist? What happened to that light in your eyes? When did you know it was over? When did I quit trying? How did we lose it all? Why can’t we find something to connect us again?
I can’t turn my mind off. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I think too much instead of just being me, letting it flow.
Maybe it’s as simple as you don’t love me anymore.
Maybe that’s all there is too understand.
We finish our meals and both look at each other , another half smile.
And I know. In my heart I know.
Back here at the starting line, we’ve crossed the finish line.
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, you know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, but do you know Cinnamon, Gumdrop, Sparkles, and Peppermint? Of course you don’t, because most of you have not heard of the great reindeer revolt.
It was December 17, 1938. Exactly seven days before Christmas Eve. As you would expect, the North Pole was extremely busy getting everything ready for the big night. All the elves were making the last of the toys for all the good girls and boys. Santa was checking his list, then checking it twice just to be sure no one was missed. Mrs. Claus was busy making snacks for everyone. The reindeer were finishing up the last of their training exercises.
Maybe it was because the reindeer were tired or maybe they felt they weren’t being respected enough but for whatever the reason, some of the reindeer decided they had had enough. Cinnamon, Gumdrop, Sparkles, and Peppermint had enough and decided they were no longer going to work on Christmas Eve. “We work every Christmas Eve and we are tired of it. We want to stay home and enjoy the evening with our families. All of us should join together and tell Santa no more.”
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen all said no. “We are not going to revolt against Santa. How can you do this? Think of all the children. We work one night a year. We have 364 days to relax and take vacations and do whatever we want. We enjoy our job and traveling all over the world and seeing all the decorations and the children eagerly awaiting our visit.”
This was not the first time that Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen had seen a bad attitude from Cinnamon, Gumdrop, Sparkles, and Peppermint. In fact, over the last six months they had seen many warning signs. They tried talking to them, but never seemed to get anywhere. Cinnamon, Gumdrop, Sparkles, and Peppermint had even started calling Rudolph names and would not let him play in any reindeer games.
All the reindeer argued and fought for several days. We are right and this is what we are going to do. No, you are not right, we are right and we will stand our ground. Back and forth, back and forth it went.
Finally, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen decided that this could not go on. They made a very difficult decision, one that did not come easily and one that made them very sad. These reindeer have been friends their entire lives but they no longer saw eye to eye. They told Cinnamon, Gumdrop, Sparkles, and Peppermint that they could no longer be friends. They didn’t want Santa to think they were revolting too, just because of who they were friends with.
Santa saw what was going on and felt very sad for the reindeer. But, he too, had to make a very difficult decision. If Cinnamon, Gumdrop, Sparkles, and Peppermint did not want to fly on Christmas Eve, then he was not going to force them. But he knew he needed eight reindeer to fly.
He held tryouts and four reindeer stood out amongst the rest. They were Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. They joined forces with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen and became the eight famous reindeer you know today. Minus Rudolph of course, he would join the team a little later.
That is why you have never heard of Cinnamon, Gumdrop, Sparkles, and Peppermint. That is why a year later that Johnny Marks wrote Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with its famous opening lines of which you know. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, you know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, and the rest is history.
That is also why you should be wise and choose your friends wisely. You will be known by the company you keep.
My God, My Music, My Life 