I Didn’t Know How To Ask For Help

You should’ve known I quit fighting

When I was no longer writing

Too wrapped up in yourself

To see I needed help

I get it, I really do

Wanting people to like you

All smiles and good times

Hard to admit you aren’t fine

But I know you are just like me

Not wanting the world to see

How much you’re hurting

How bad you are searching

Trying to find something to believe in

Wishing you had one, just one friend

That could see through all the lies

That tried to find all things you tried to hide

Believe me I can see the irony

Because that could’ve been me

But l, like you, was too wrapped up in my own screen

To look up and reach out to tell you how much you mean to me

But in the end I guess you are just a little stronger

And you’ve been able to fight a little longer

But for me, well this was my last night

The darkness claimed victory over the light

And maybe I shouldn’t have smiled through the pain

And maybe I shouldn’t have hidden these thoughts in my brain

Maybe you wouldn’t have thought I was going insane

And maybe you could’ve broke me free from these chains

But a lot of maybes I guess we’ll never know

I miss who I was not so long ago

I wish you could see these tears roll down my face

But man, there’s so many things I can’t erase

And I know sorry will never be enough

I wish, I wish I felt like I was loved

But you know, it’s not like anyone will miss me

When was the last time anyone even reached out to me?

I mean, you really had to know

I was taking blow after blow

And you had to know I got up each time a little slower

And you had to see I was holding my head a little lower

You had to see I smiled a whole lot less

I mean, I was a total freaking mess

Not even Instagram could hide my sadness

And my Tik Tok’s were borderline madness

Hey, I’ve even scheduled posts three months ahead

I might even be instafamous after I’m dead

At least for a day or two

Then it’ll again be all about you

I mean my writings went from hope and faith to despair

But not one person reached out to care

A pity party this is not

Like me, it’ll be so easily forgot

Like I said, I get it, you’ve got your own likes to get

But I hope , unlike me, you can live without regrets

You know, it wouldn’t hurt to get away from the screen

Be a good friend, a real relationship, one last piece of advice from me

And I know you are busy, got your own life to live

But man, I hope God really does forgive

Don’t get me wrong , it’s not all on you

These demons I have are a wicked crew

Maybe I should’ve told you all this before tonight

But it really wasn’t until a minute ago I gave up the fight

I always felt like I’d have more time

But sometimes you are out of rhymes

I wish I never felt the things that I have felt

But I feel like I didn’t know how to ask for help

(In case anyone thinks this is a goodbye note, it is not. I am still here but these thoughts are in my head. We all know someone who is hurting but we are afraid to reach out and dig deep and make that connection. Challenge this weekend is to put your phones down, go knock on a neighbor’s door and ask them how they are doing. Buy a pizza and sit down together and talk. Who knows, you might just save a life.)

You Will Be Found by Ben Platt –

A Place Called Earth by Jon Foreman/ Lauren Daigle –

Up There Down Here by Zach Williams –

People Need People by Michael Franti –

People Need People by Maddie & Tae –

These Are Just A Few Of The Things That Are Messed Up On My Street

We have cats that bark and dogs that meow

We have wolves that roar and lions that howl

We have tigers that eat veggies and giraffes that eat meat

These are just a few of the things that are messed up on my street

We have newborns who talk and adults who don’t

We have things to be done but we know to be done they won’t

We have teenagers that are mature and parents that are not

We have commitments that are made and then conveniently forgot

We have neighbors that are alive and some that are dead

We have some planning a future and some with ghosts in their heads

We have turtles that are fast and rabbits that are slow

We have rivers that are dry and farm fields that won’t grow

We have hate that is rampant and we have love trying to find a way

We have marriages holding on tight and some destroyed by one choice made

We have people being shot and people being healed

We have truths being told and lies being concealed

We have some that live free and others that live in fear

We have some that have given up and some that believe hope still lives here

Then there is me who wants to be happy but is quite sad

I will share with you some of the questions I have

Can you love someone but no longer want to be with them?

Can you not go to church but still pray to God amen?

Would a chicken ever eat an egg and can a bee sting another bee?

Do these words make any sense to anyone but me?

If anything is possible doesn’t that mean anything could be impossible?

Which would also mean anything that is probable could still be improbable

If you expect the unexpected doesn’t that make the unexpected expected?

If I only talk to people via text and social media, am I really connected?

If my life is better in my dreams is it possible my life is really a dream?

Sometimes I wonder what’s the point if I am me and this is all that will ever be

Does a fish or shark or whale ever get dehydrated?

If you caused the issue then why, at me, are you so frustrated?

What’s the least important thing that’s the most important thing to you right now?

I apologize, as usual, these voices in my head have gotten sidetracked somehow

Is it committing murder if I kill these voices inside of me?

Social media shows every one is happy but I know not all is as it seems

If a toddler refuses to take a nap does that mean it’s resisting a rest?

Life, please give me some answers because I’m failing your test

How many times can a heart break before it breaks forever?

How many times can you say you won’t do the thing you did? I will never….

How many chapters of our life should I read before I close it and make my own ending?

Because, if we must honestly admit, we both know we are only pretending

God please help me, I think I’m going insane

Guess I better mow the grass before it starts to rain

Wait, I thought of something that doesn’t make sense

If I give you a penny for your thoughts then why are your thoughts worth two cents?

If, as a child, you’re told not to take candy from strangers then why is there Halloween?

If rabbits don’t lay eggs then where does the Easter Bunny get all the eggs it delivers to you and me?

I know, I know, I should really wrap this up

But can you answer this, does it exist, it being love

I know I’m unique, broken, hopeful, confused, a little crazy but is there anyone else like me?

These are just a few of the things I think about when I think about the things that are messed up on my street

Odd Man Out by Clayton Jones-

Things I Wish I Would’ve Said by Katy Nichole-

Who You Thought I Was by Brandy Clark-

Memories by Conan Gray-

Word That Don’t Exist by Citizen Soldier-

Miss You All, I’ll Be Home Soon

The two strangers left the room. She sensed they had been there before but could not remember who they were and when they had been there.

Strange, she thought, how the mind works. Some days it’s as clear as the blue sky above her right now. Other days it’s as if she’s in a hurricane. The dark clouds and the rain and wind pushing her memories here and there.

She started talking to “Tom” again. At least that’s what she thinks his name is. He seemed to be the only one who understood her anymore. Sometimes she didn’t speak a word but he would nod right along as if he could read her mind.

(art courtesy of deviantart.com)

The nurse walked in for her two hour check up. Has it been two hours already? Time doesn’t make much sense to her anymore. The only time she really remembers is day and night but being in this room with only a small window, sometimes she didn’t even know the difference.

“Who are you talking to Sam?” the nurse asked. Samantha just stared at her like she didn’t understand the question.

First she wondered who Sam was, her name was Samantha, then she wondered why the nurse asked such dumb questions all the time. Could she not see “Tom” sitting in the corner chair.

She just smiled at the nurse. Too tired for words. My God, when did she become so tired all the time? She remembers her youth when she was so active. Often walking two or three miles a day and swimming for an hour.

She loved the beach. She can still remember her kids so small. How they would spend all day on the beach eating bigger than your face slices of pizza and following that with eat it fast before it melts ice cream.

(art courtesy of deviantart.com)

She wondered where her kids are now. Shouldn’t she be making them lunch or dinner? What time is it anyway she thought?

She shuffled across the room to admire the flowers the strangers left. She loved flowers. So much so she often got in trouble for borrowing flowers from other tenants that lived on her same floor.

Oh yes, the strangers. Were they just here yesterday, or was that today? Would they be back?

She hoped they would be. She liked how they smiled at her and talked to her. They did her nails and they looked at old photographs with her. They kind of looked like how she thought her kids would look when they grew up.

(art courtesy of deviantart.com)

For the life of her she could not understand why they called her mom. But she liked hearing those words.

And for the life of her she could not understand why they told her they loved her and missed her. They said they would be back soon. Yes they did say that. She liked that. She couldn’t wait for them to come back.

Then she said to “Tom,” you know I like them two. They remind me of my young ones.

Then she looked out into the hallway and said I miss you all, I’ll be home soon.

(art courtesy of deviantart.com)

Tell Me Your Name (Diane’s Song) by Jason Michael Montgomery-

Help Me Remember by Hayes Carll-

Don’t Lose Heart by Steven Curtis Chapman-

Every Man Becomes A Boy At Times by Jon Lowry-

I Know Who He Is by William Michael Morgan-

I Will Remind You by Brian Asselin-

Afire Love by Ed Sheran-

She Misses Him by Tim Rushlow-

The Summer’s Still The Same

Remember when we were young

When we had time for fun

When we could dance in the sun

Remember when we used to laugh

When we waited weeks for vacation photographs

When our fake id’s said we were twenty one and a half

Remember when we couldn’t get enough

When we had summer crushes and summer love

When a broken heart didn’t hurt so much

Remember the smile on our children’s face

When they first saw the ocean, the beach, the new place

When we felt as if our love could never be replaced

Remember when we thought things would never change

But now the seasons move fast and only time is to blame

Are we the ones that have changed because the summer’s still the same

Want That Back by Brett Eldredge –

Something In The Orange by Zach Bryan-

Just Close Enough by American Aquarium –

Won’t Know How To End This Conversation

I won’t know how to end this conversation

If we find ourselves in an impossible situation

So I don’t think I’m going to start

Won’t write our names in a heart

Not going to walk up and shyly grin

Ask you where you’ve always been

Say by the way hello my name is

Not going to slowly lean in to kiss

“Isn’t that what love is? Being scared, then being brave, because of that one person?”

Not going to wrap my fingers in yours

Won’t wonder who I ever was before

Not going to have a hard time falling asleep

Wishing you were there beside me

Not going to wake up in the morning

With butterflies in my stomach turning

Not going to get on one knee and ask you to be my wife

Because if I did I know I’d fall apart if you left my life

Not going to ask you out on a first date

Not going to think you are great

Don’t want you to look at me, smile at me like that

Not going to buy that house with a welcome door mat

Not going to smile when I see your name on my phone

Or think I’m the luckiest guy when we bring our baby home

No, when I think about all the firsts I’m going to miss

The one that’ll be the worst is this

The day or night I smile at you and walk on by

Not saying hello because I won’t know how to say goodbye

Try Losing One by Tyler Braden –

The Way You Loved Me by Calum Scott-

Anna Begins by Counting Crows-

Rock And A Hard Place by Bailey Zimmerman –

Love Songs Ain’t For Us by Amy Shark –

Middle Of A Memory by Cole Swindell –

Growing Up (Still Have More Growing Up To Do)

I was the shy one growing up

Always wondering why I wasn’t good enough

Didn’t feel loved by my daddy

I always felt like the black sheep

Dad would pop another beer

I’d stand in the corner in fear

He never yelled or raised a hand

But I was ignored and couldn’t understand

Why I was invisible to him

When I was growing up

I never felt a man’s love

Then I got pretty, no longer a child

Boys noticed me when I smiled

I let them do what they wanted

Childhood excuses left me haunted

I went from one bed to another

Leaving a family without a mother

Sometimes I think being noticed by a man

Is worse than being ignored , can you understand?

I wish I was invisible again

All I wanted when I was growing up

Was for a man to show me love

But I don’t think I know what love is

Because what I do is so selfish

A princess without a crown

I’ve let a good man down

And I swear I’m trying to learn

How to accept real love and give it in return

But I feel as if it’s too late

He looks at me with so much hate

And he’s the only one to show me the love

I wish I had when I was growing up

Love Not Hate – Tragedy in Texas

History of the birds:

Love, Not Hate : Part 1

Love, Not Hate: Part Two

Love, Not Hate: Christmas Eve

Love, Not Hate: A New Chapter

Love, Not Hate: A New World

Love, Not Hate: The Division

Love, Not Hate: The Reconciliation

Love, Not Hate: Tragedy At Mandalay Bay

Love, Not Hate: Continue To Love

Love Not Hate: Love On Trial

Love Not Hate- Trick or Treat, Halloween Night

Love Not Hate- Teach A Human Day

All the juvenile birds gathered at the big oak tree

They all had tears in their eyes and thought it could’ve been me

Their parents stood close by

They too, had tears in their eyes

They waited until the eagle swooped down

He stood there with them all on the ground

He wiped his eyes and bowed his head

He then looked up and sadly said

“Tragedy once more has taken hold of our land,

These are the things we can not ever understand.

We teach love, kindness we show and words we tell

But it seems like evil yet again prevails.

Sometimes, like you, I want to give up

But we can’t, we must continue to love.”

Then the eagle said, “let’s pray this won’t happen again.”

But then a little robin asked, “don’t you mean when?”

And the eagle for a moment was out of words

Then he composed himself and looked out at the birds

“Little ones, do not be scared to speak up

I know you’re hurting so much

But now is not the time to withdraw , to be silent

We need to hear your voice in these times of violence.

We need to know your hurt , see your tears

We need to hear your words, hear your fears.

And maybe it’s you little friends

That need to give us hope again.

And parents, hold these little ones tight.

And when you tuck them in tonight,

Let them know how much they are loved

And that we, they, can never give up!

That we must continue to see the good

And remember on this branch is where we stood

When we all began to learn

When our prayers were heard

When our world finally woke

And heard our words for years we spoke

Enough is enough is enough

Stop hate, love birds love!

Go home tonight

And let your eyes cry.

Tonight let there be sorrow,

But there will be hope tomorrow.

For tomorrow birds, our work begins again

Give grace, forgive, love, be a friend

Yes tonight, birds, let the tears come as we hold each other tight

Tomorrow, tomorrow my friends, love will rise!”

Grape Soda And Bazooka Bubble Gum

Back when I was young

Not a care in the summer sun

We’d come home when it was dark

And our phones weren’t so smart

We’d have fun even if we lost

And we bowed our heads to the cross

We stood and put our hands over our hearts

When the National Anthem would start

I remember my first game with my first baseball glove

After every game I’d have a grape soda and Bazooka bubble gum

Don’t know how we survived without central ac

Or how I never broke a bone climbing the tallest tree

We never let a girl walk home alone

And there weren’t cuss words in a song

When saying I love you meant something

And it meant something when you had a wedding ring

And when you could count on your friends

And sometimes I wish I could be young again

When I didn’t have so many things to overcome

I sure miss grape soda and Bazooka bubble gum

If I Had Left When It Was $3

It’s time to move away from here

Wishing I could forget last year

I can’t afford anymore beer

I pulled into the Shell

Pumping gas , filling my tank up

All my things in the back of my truck

Wandering when you fell out of love

And why you put me through hell

Then it hits me when I see that $5.53

I could’ve saved me a cool $80

If I would’ve left when it was $3

And it’s still hard to believe

The way you did me

And I’m standing here thinking

Bout all the beer I could be drinking

If I had left when it was $3

Just in case you were keeping score

That’s nine twelve packs out the door

Gas costing more than ever before

That tank and myself thirstier than ever

Thought it would take me some time

To forget when you were mine

Then I see that gas price hit $129

And I’m not thinking about forever

And it hits me hard when I see that $5.53

I could’ve saved me a cool $80

If I would’ve left when it was $3

And it’s still hard to believe

The way you did me

And I’m standing here thinking

Bout all the beer I could be drinking

If I had left when it was $3

There goes another ten

A twelve pack that could’ve been

There goes another twenty

Maybe I should’ve left that tank on empty

I can’t believe my angel fell

And she dragged me through hell

I shake my head at that $5.53

Thinking I could’ve saved me $80

If I had left when it was $3

And it’s still hard to believe

The way you did me

And I’m standing here thinking

Bout all the beer I could be drinking

If I had left when it was $3

Enough Hurt For Today

I do not understand this world we live in, why someone has to take a gun to a school or a mall or a job and shoot innocent people. Sometimes you just want to crawl into a corner and cry. Do whatever you have to do to take that mental health break. Take a moment, take a breath, take a step forward.

We’ve been hurting for so long

But we keep singing the same song

And maybe I’m wrong

I’m done watching the news

I’m going to turn off the tv

Take some time for me

I’m not going to apologize

For not listening to the lies

Putting it all in a box

Praying it will all stop

Cause there’s been enough hurt for today

Not much else for me to say

I know it’s not going to go away

Maybe it’s only a delay

Finding some alone time to pray

Cause there’s been enough hurt for today

Not going to think about tomorrow

All the hate, all the sorrow

I know there’s more for me to know

Not going to think about the shootings

The virus, the death, the violence, the looting

Need a win, tired of the losing

Going to think about something else

May be selfish, but need to heal myself

Been living too long in the dark

Need a cure for my broken heart

Cause there’s been enough hurt for today

Not much else for me to say

I know it’s not going to go away

Maybe it’s only a delay

Finding some alone time to pray

Cause there’s been enough hurt for today

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to  bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship  today.” —Thich Nhat Hanh |

Maybe I’m only hitting pause

Hoping we’re not a lost cause

We are all broken , yet chosen

Praying we can get through this moment

Cause there’s been enough hurt for today

Not much else for me to say

I know it’s not going to go away

Maybe it’s only a delay

Finding some alone time to pray

Cause there’s been enough hurt for today

Hope for a better tomorro... | Quotes & Writings by Olufunke Kolapo |  YourQuote

Good Day by Apollo LTD –

Gospel Song by Rhett Walker –

Fires by Jordan St. Cyr –

We All Need Jesus by Danny Gokey & Koryn Hawthorne –