The Room

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image credit: willomailley.com

 

For the last fifty nine days, every day has been the same for me. I didn’t expect day sixty to be any different.

I wake up, look in the mirror and tell myself today is the day. Today will be the day that I can do it. I am stronger than I think I am. I can do this.

I then walk out of my room and go exactly five feet three inches and stop in front of the room. I reach for the door knob then pull my hand away. I stare at the door for what seems like hours but it is only minutes, maybe seconds. I then take a deep breath and walk away.

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image credit: The Sabbath Recorder

 

I go about my day like a robot. Doing without thinking. Lost in my guilt. Lost in the what if’s. Everyone looks at me the same. Fake smiles. I fake smile back. They say everything will be alright. I want to scream at them that it will not be, but I don’t.  I only want to hit something. I have so much anger and hurt and it’s all my fault. They say it is not but I know it is.

I go home. I hesitate as I turn the key to unlock the door. Do I really want to go back inside? I don’t know what else to do so I turn the key.

I make dinner and set two plates out of habit. I know you won’t be joining me. I eat in silence.

I go upstairs to go to bed and I once again stop at the door. I reach for the door knob and pull my hand away. I take a deep breath and walk away. I go into my room and yell at myself in the mirror. Why are you so weak? Why can’t you turn the knob?

God help me! Where are you? I need you. She needs you. Why won’t you make her wake up? I need a miracle.

I fall asleep listening to the hissing and popping of the machines that keep her alive.

I have the same nightmare, but it’s not a nightmare. It’s a reality. You fell down the stairs and couldn’t move. Ten minutes. That’s what the doctor said. If I could’ve gotten you to the hospital ten minutes earlier you would’ve made it. If I would’ve came straight home that night you would’ve been okay.

But I didn’t.

We were fighting and I took the long way home to clear my head.

Ten minutes.

I wish I would’ve driven straight home. That’s why it’s all my fault. That’s why I can’t go in there. I know I did that to you.

I wake with a startle. The house is silent.

It shouldn’t be silent!

The machines have stopped. I jump out of bed and run to the door. I reach my hand out and pull it away. Maybe it’s for the best.

She needs you.

I look around. No one is there.

She needs you. She is still alive. Appreciate the living while they are here. One day she will be gone and you won’t be able to tell her anything.

Tears pour out of my eyes and before I know it my hand turns the door knob. I slowly walk to your bed and reach out to hold your hand. I am so sorry. Please wake up, please. I love you. I need you. I am sorry I haven’t been here. I will always be there for you from now. Wake up!  Please God, wake her up.

I feel her hand squeeze mine. It had to be my imagination. I look up through the tears and see her eyes open.

I didn’t expect day sixty to be any different. God knew it would be.

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He Still Does Miracles by Hawk Nelson – 

Miracles by Alisa Turner – 

God Of The Impossible by Lincoln Brewster – 

Faithful by Sarah Reeves – 

God Who Moves Mountains by Corey Voss –  

Mountain Of Sorrow by The Taylors – 

 

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I Could Believe In God – A Story

Some people do not believe in God or miracles because they can not see them. Their eyes are not open to see all the miracles that happen around them every day. They look for the big miracles, the wow, did you just see that. They do not see the little miracles, how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, the blooming of a flower,  or even the miracle of you. How you woke up and can breathe.  This is a story of one man whose eyes are closed.

 

I just wanted to share some snippets of my life. Things that have happened that I can’t explain.  Some people will ask me how I could not believe in God after what has happened to me. I say I would, if I could only see a miracle.

I was seven at the time. It was the largest tree in the neighborhood so, naturally, I was drawn to it. I was a climber. I climbed without fear. I climbed until the branches could barely hold my weight. That is, until I climbed too far and the last branch didn’t. I fell. I knew I was going to die. Right before I hit the ground I could feel a swoosh of air around me and the next thing I knew I was standing on the ground. I stood there for a minute, not sure of what just happened.  All I knew was I was standing without a scratch on me when I should’ve been laying on the ground seriously hurt, if not dead. How did I do that?

When I was twenty, I was driving in my car and was hit by a big truck. The entire front end was separated from the back end. It was bad.  Here is the crazy thing, I wasn’t hurt, not a scratch. I don’t know how it happened and it still has me scratching my head to this day. You see, I ended up in the back seat, with the seat belt on. I don’t know how I managed to get out of the front seat, place myself in the back seat and put my seat belt on all in less than a second.  The funny thing is the seat belt in the drivers seat was still  attached, like I was sitting in it. How did I do that?

Many years later my wife and I were expecting our first child. She was born four months prematurely and had a heart that wasn’t fully developed. The doctors told us she wouldn’t live more than a few days. We were devastated. My wife was a prayer warrior, but I wasn’t. I didn’t believe in God. I didn’t mind my wife praying if that’s what got her through the day but it wasn’t for me. There was a nurse that seemed to be there all day and all night. Every time we would go to NICU she would be there. She was also always with our daughter. One day would turn into two into four into eight.  Our daughter made it through those eight days and is now a strong, beautiful, smart, young twenty year old woman.  I remember asking the hospital staff about the nurse that was always there and no one knew who I was talking about. Crazy isn’t it?  One of the nurses even said maybe she was our daughter’s guardian angel. I guess if you believe in that sort of thing, but I don’t.

My wife became ill two years ago. She was diagnosed with a disease I won’t even try to pronounce, let alone spell. A disease there was no cure for. The doctors gave her two- four months to live. How could this be?  She was perfectly healthy one day and the next we are being told she would be gone in four months.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My wife prayed. I pulled my hair out. To be honest maybe I did say a tiny prayer to a God I didn’t believe in but….

While my wife was in the hospital guess who I saw ? You are correct. The same nurse that was in NICU that no one knew who she was. I would see her walking up and down the hall ways day and night. I would go get something to eat and my wife would tell me about the nurse who came in and made her feel at peace. Once again, no one knew who I was talking about. How could I see this nurse during these times yet no one on staff knows who she is?

Wouldn’t you know it, my wife came home two months after her diagnosis. Completely cured of her incurable disease. I said it must have been a misdiagnosis.  The doctors called it a miracle.

My daughter visits often and talks about this lady she sees from time to time. Like the time she was looking at her cell phone and almost stepped in front of a bus. That was until a lady grabbed her arm and pulled her back. My daughter had my wife’s faith and said maybe it was her guardian angel. I laughed. She knew I didn’t believe in those kind of things.

It was a little uncanny however when my daughter described this lady and it was an exact match to the nurse I saw in the NICU and in my wife’s hospital room. 

Sometimes I wish I believed like my wife and daughter do. This world is just too much of a mess for me to believe in God.

Maybe I could believe in God if I could just see Him do a miracle.

I Saw God Today by George Strait –  

Miracles by Audio Adrenaline – 

Miracle Of The Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman – 

Miracles by Blessid Union Of Souls – 

Miracles by Kirk Franklin – 

Miracles by Newsboys – 

Angels Among Us by Alabama – 

When You Believe by Whitney Houston –