The Cheesecake Factory, our first date. I remember it like it was yesterday, what you wore, most of what we talked about it, your laugh, your smile, your innocence.
You asked if you could order a Bud Light with your salad. I smiled and thought it was the cutest thing I’d ever heard. I ordered the Louisiana Chicken Pasta with a Mich Ultra. I was never a fan of Bud Light.
We’ve only been back once in the last nineteen years since then. We were going through our first rough patch and I thought it would help to remember.
It didn’t go well.
But we survived, we healed.
At least I felt as if we did.
Now, I am sitting across from you for the third time at this restaurant. If my memory serves me well, this may be the exact table we sat at. If it’s not, it’s pretty close.
I brought us back here, back to the starting line, to see if we can get a new start. Remember why, how, when we fell in love.
I’m not ready to cross the finish line yet.
But here we are.
You order an Angry Orchard , without asking. You started drinking cider years ago when you went gluten free. I still order the Louisiana Chicken Pasta. I know, so many choices but I like what I like. But I order an IPA.
I guess we all change in our own ways.
We both kind of half smile at each other. It feels like we both are afraid to speak first.
How did we get here?
Slowly the words come but the conversation doesn’t flow like it did all those years ago. Every word seems like a struggle. Both of us are afraid to say the wrong thing so we don’t say much at all.
I try to say something funny. But you don’t laugh. Man, how I miss the sound of your laugh. Right now, it would light up my world just to see you smile. But you don’t.
I reach across the table and touch your hand. You start to pull away but you leave it there. But there’s no feeling there. No spark. No emotion.
Damn this sucks.
We eat in silence but there are so many words in my head.
How did we get here? Can this be fixed? What did I do? What did I not do? Is it worth fixing? Why can’t we talk like we used to? Why’s it so hard to tear down these walls we built? Why can’t we get back to where we were all those years ago, in this same restaurant, when we fell in love? Love, what is it, does it even exist? What happened to that light in your eyes? When did you know it was over? When did I quit trying? How did we lose it all? Why can’t we find something to connect us again?
I can’t turn my mind off. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I think too much instead of just being me, letting it flow.
Maybe it’s as simple as you don’t love me anymore.
Maybe that’s all there is too understand.
We finish our meals and both look at each other , another half smile.
And I know. In my heart I know.
Back here at the starting line, we’ve crossed the finish line.
It’s been a rough 18 months. There was a two-three month period in that 18 months that I lost myself. For the first time in my life someone made me feel as if I wasn’t enough, that I was worthless. I walked away from most of what I believed in and gave up on the rest.
I will be the first to admit that I let anger and everything that goes with betrayal get the best of me. Even counseling did not seem to help.
Even though I felt like I knew the truth, I was still being lied to , which was causing more anxiety and hate and frustration and arguments. and taking me farther away from the man I am. I do not understand why people can not tell the truth. I would rather have a truth that hurts than a lie to make me feel better or question my own intuition. At least once the truth is out there, you can start to heal.
Then one night a couple months ago I had a dream. I can still remember every detail to this day. And when I’m having a bad thought or feel anger taking control again, the images in this dream come to my mind and I give it all away again.
I will admit after the dream, I had three really good weeks then three really bad days but ever since then, I am a different man.
Only one person gets the credit and that is Jesus.
Here is the dream I had.
I was driving along a road that was going up a hill or mountain. The road did not look familiar to me. I remember I was the only one on the road and to the left of me was a deep valley.
As I was driving in the middle of the day, the sky suddenly became like a sunset. Oranges and reds and pinks. Picture the most beautiful sunset you have ever seen and multiply that by a hundred.
Then the sky parted and a man came down out of the sky. I can only assume it was Jesus.
I stopped my car and got out. I started walking toward him.
He approached me and put his hands on my shoulders. He told me it was time to let it go. Give all the anger and disappointment and anxiety and everything that came with the betrayal to him.
Tears started coming to my eyes.
But I wasn’t letting go.
Then he repeated what he said.
Give it to me. It’s time to let it go.
Then he took his hands off my shoulders and ascended back toward the clouds.
Before he got there he turned around and reached out his hands and told me he had it all now. To keep giving it to him. It’s not my burden to bear any longer. To live the way he intended me to live. To love and not hate.
Then, probably because he knows me so well, he once again said I have it all. Let it go.
The he disappeared into the clouds and the sky turned the brightest blue I have even seen.
Then I woke up and had tears streaming down my face.
And all I can say is in the seven weeks since my three day relapse, I have been a different man.
My anxiety and hurt and anger has for the most part have gone away. And when it surfaces, it is immediately replaced with visions from my dream.
Does that mean my marriage is saved? No, not at all. But what it means is I don’t have to live with the hurt and betrayal and anger.
I can still love. I can still know that I am enough. I can still know that life is worth living. I can still know that I am okay. I can still know that I am loved.
We all have been given the ability to bless and not curse, to love and not hate, to give and not take. We only have to remember we have a helper to show us the way.
So do I believe God is real? There is no way I could ever doubt it.
I can’t tell you how far or how long I ran. I am willing to bet my last dollar it was farther and longer than I thought was possible.
I stopped to catch my breath and two questions popped into my head. What did I do for him to be here? Why was he following me?
I started to run again. In between my breaths, I heard the roar of rushing water below. It was in that moment I knew I took the wrong path.
I had three choices. Two of them would surely end in death. I could jump off the cliff into the cold rushing water. Death. I could stand there and do nothing and let him catch me. Death.
Since the first two choices would end in death, I had one choice left.
I had to escape.
Come on, come on. THINK!! I looked around, evaluating my options. Looking for another way. Time was running out. I could hear him coming.
I threw a rock over the cliff into the water. Hoping he thought I jumped. Then I looked at my only option left. The thickest thorn bush I had ever seen.
This is going to hurt.
I jumped in.
I tried quieting my breathing. I tried curling up into a small ball. I tried wishing that the moon wasn’t full. But it was.
I heard his footsteps. Getting closer. And closer. How did I get here?
I remember the day it happened. One year ago. One year ago today to be exact. I was in one of my “seasons,” as I like to call them. Nothing was going right. I was sinking into the quicksand I called depression. I was spiraling out of control. Failure was coming and I couldn’t stop it. Shame and guilt knocked on my door and I not only answered, I let them in.
Have you ever done something and one second after you did it you said what did I just do? I am so stupid. Why did I do that? I just let everyone I know down and I know they could never forgive me. I couldn’t even forgive myself so how could they?
I had to keep what I had done a secret. NO MATTER WHAT!! The truth would kill them, therefore killing me. Since I was already dead, there was no need to kill them. So I kept it to myself.
I sank further into my guilt and shame. I withdrew from everyone. Oh, I still had a killer smile and was wittingly charming. I could get by. I faked a lot of happiness. Inside, I cried a lot of tears. I was rotting inside and I knew they could smell it. I knew they knew I was a fake. But they never said anything.
Maybe I was better at hiding it than I thought. Then I started thinking, I am such a good liar. Which led to more guilt and shame. Which led to him.
At first, I didn’t pay much attention. I would see him at the gas station or maybe at the store. You know the feeling you get when you think someone is watching you. I would get that and look up and he would be looking at me. He wouldn’t look away. I got chills down my spine. What a creep, I thought.
Through the first few months, I would seem him every couple of weeks. As the year progressed, I would see him more and more. Recently, as I was falling apart and my lies were catching up to me, as my guilt and shame were eating at me, I was seeing him every day.
EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME.
NEVER LOOKING AWAY.
I finally was getting the courage to approach him and ask him what his deal is. That’s when he took the first step to me. I froze. Then, I ran.
I ran and here I am. In this thorn bush. Scratched and bleeding. Dying inside. Hiding from a man who wouldn’t quit following me.
As smart as I thought I was by throwing the rock into the water, he was smarter. As quiet as I thought I was being, he could still hear me. As dark as I thought my hiding place was, he still found me.
I, for the first time, took a good look at him. I mean, a really good look. I wanted to know who was going to end my days. That’s when I saw the crown of thorns around his head. He didn’t say a word. He just reached his hand down and by the light of the moon, I saw the scars on his. A sudden peace came over me and for some unknown reason, I reached out and took his hand.
The thorns parted as he pulled me up. My bleeding wounds stopped bleeding. It was like a giant boulder was taken off my shoulders.
“I forgive you.” In those three words that he said my heart changed. It was like clean air was poured into my dirty lungs. Tears of guilt were replaced with tears of joy.
I walked back home, with him by my side. I knew it may be a long road to recovery, but I knew I had to tell them. I knew they had to know the truth. I could not keep living with this.
I also knew with him there was no condemnation, no guilt, no shame. I had to believe that they would forgive me also. I had to hope and pray for a better future. No matter what happens, I knew I had to continue to walk with him, not run away from him.
I took a deep breath and walked into the house. I knew we would be okay. I knew that I would be a better man. I knew they would forgive me. I knew we would survive the lies. Even so, I knew this was going to hurt.
I wrote this song a few years back. I tried everyone I know to help me record a demo for it so maybe I could send it out. I was willing to pay but could not find anyone willing to help. Finally, I found a local musician, who was in a band I liked called Acoustic Ghost, who said he would help with some demos for my songs. Joel is an old time rock and roll guy and said he would do his best to make my songs come out the way I was hearing them in my head, but they did not. He did a good job, just not the way I wanted them to sound.
This song, I hear it like a spoken/rap song, like Jason Aldean’s Dirt Road Anthem type of sound. I can picture TobyMac, Matthew West, or maybe Lecrae recording it, but that is wishful thinking. I just think the music they make would go well with this song. Joel made it into a classic rock/blues sound, which I really do like and maybe it would bring a different audience to it that I was not expecting. However, I would still like it done the way I hear it but I am grateful for Joel’s efforts.
I have included it at the bottom. If you have some time today, take a listen and leave me a comment on what you think. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone that knows TobyMac or Matthew West or anyone else, feel free to forward for me.
It is six minutes long but I think it could easily be reduced to four, four and half minutes.
Here are the lyrics:
I was walking down the street, smile on my face
Full of Gods love and forgiveness
In my head I was thinking how great is His grace
but it seemed everyone that looked at me looked away
They didn’t care or they didn’t know
Then I heard someone yell, what do you have to say
So I looked at him and told him our story
That You lived and died for me
I told him of Your love and Your glory
Then he looked at me and said I’m not bluffing
But what you say, what if it’s nothing
Then I smiled at him and started to sing
What if my friend,
What if it’s everything
What if it’s everything
So I walked on with a pep in my step
Living my life for Jesus
I wasn’t turning back, I won’t have regrets
Then I saw someone down on their luck
I went up and talked to her
I said hello and gave her my last buck
She thanked me with tears in her eyes
then she said, so what’s your story
I told her our story and how You had to die
She asked how do I know that it’s really something
You know my life’s been a rough one
Then I smiled at her and started to sing
What if my friend,
What if it’s everything
What if it’s everything
By then a crowd gathered around
They all wanted to know
How they could have this hope I had found
So I told them our story, told them to believe
Told them of the book, told them of your words
Told them I only know of one guarantee
In this life you will have troubles
But your sins you must confess
Give your life to him, don’t be on the bubble
Then they said we want to believe in something
But what if, what if its all nothing
Then I smiled at them and started to sing
What if my friends,
What if it’s everything
What if it’s everything
What if it’s the only thing
What If It’s Everything by me and Joel Rollo-
The Man That Needed Grace by Matthew West –
See The Light by Tobymac –
Set Me Free by Lecrae –
Together by for King & Country (with Kirk Franklin and Tori Kelly) –
My God, My Music, My Life 