This Is Going To Hurt

Image result for scary cliff at night

I ran.

As soon as he took a step towards me, I ran.

I can’t tell you how far or how long I ran.  I am willing to bet my last dollar it was farther and longer than I thought was possible.

I stopped to catch my breath and two questions popped into my head. What did I do for him to be here? Why was he following me?

I started to run again. In between my breaths, I heard the roar of rushing water below. It was in that moment I knew I took the wrong path.

I had three choices. Two of them would surely end in death. I could jump off the cliff into the cold rushing water. Death. I could stand there and do nothing and let him catch me. Death.

Since the first two choices would end in death, I had one choice left.

I had to escape.

Come on, come on.  THINK!! I looked around, evaluating my options. Looking for another way. Time was running out. I could hear him coming.

I threw a rock over the cliff into the water. Hoping he thought I jumped. Then I looked at my only option left. The thickest thorn bush I had ever seen.

This is going to hurt.

I jumped in.

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I tried quieting my breathing. I tried curling up into a small ball. I tried wishing that the moon wasn’t full. But it was.

I heard his footsteps. Getting closer. And closer. How did I get here?

I remember the day it happened. One year ago. One year ago today to be exact. I was in one of my “seasons,” as I like to call them. Nothing was going right. I was sinking into the quicksand I called depression. I was spiraling out of control. Failure was coming and I couldn’t stop it. Shame and guilt knocked on my door and I not only answered, I let them in.

Have you ever done something and one second after you did it you said what did I just do? I am so stupid. Why did I do that? I just let everyone I know down and I know they could never forgive me. I couldn’t even forgive myself so how could they?

I had to keep what I had done a secret. NO MATTER WHAT!! The truth would kill them, therefore killing me. Since I was already dead, there was no need to kill them. So I kept it to myself.

I sank further into my guilt and shame. I withdrew from everyone. Oh, I still had a killer smile and was wittingly charming. I could get by. I faked a lot of happiness. Inside, I cried a lot of tears. I was rotting inside and I knew they could smell it. I knew they knew I was a fake. But they never said anything.

Maybe I was better at hiding it than I thought. Then I started thinking, I am such a good liar. Which led to more guilt and shame. Which led to him.

At first, I didn’t pay much attention. I would see him at the gas station or maybe at the store. You know the feeling you get when you think someone is watching you. I would get that and look up and he would be looking at me. He wouldn’t look away. I got chills down my spine. What a creep, I thought.

Through the first few months, I would seem him every couple of weeks. As the year progressed, I would see him more and more. Recently, as I was falling apart and my lies were catching up to me, as my guilt and shame were eating at me, I was seeing him every day.

EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME.

NEVER LOOKING AWAY.

I finally was getting the courage to approach him and ask him what his deal is. That’s when he took the first step to me. I froze. Then, I ran.

I ran and here I am. In this thorn bush. Scratched and bleeding. Dying inside. Hiding from a man who wouldn’t quit following me.

As smart as I thought I was by throwing the rock into the water, he was smarter. As quiet as I thought I was being, he could still hear me. As dark as I thought my hiding place was, he still found me.

I, for the first time, took a good look at him. I mean, a really good look. I wanted to know who was going to end my days. That’s when I saw the crown of thorns around his head. He didn’t say a word. He just reached his hand down and by the light of the moon, I saw the scars on his. A sudden peace came over me and for some unknown reason, I reached out and took his hand.

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The thorns parted as he pulled me up. My bleeding wounds stopped bleeding. It was like a giant boulder was taken off my shoulders.

“I forgive you.” In those three words that he said my heart changed. It was like clean air was poured into my dirty lungs. Tears of guilt were replaced with tears of joy.

I walked back home, with him by my side. I knew it may be a long road to recovery, but I knew I had to tell them. I knew they had to know the truth. I could not keep living with this.

I also knew with him there was no condemnation, no guilt, no shame. I had to believe that they would forgive me also. I had to hope and pray for a better future. No matter what happens, I knew I had to continue to walk with him, not run away from him.

I took a deep breath and walked into the house. I knew we would be okay. I knew that I would be a better man. I knew they would forgive me. I knew we would survive the lies. Even so, I knew this was going to hurt.

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Never Stopped Loving by Jeremy Camp- 

Grace Will Lead Me Home by David Dunn – 

Fear Is A Liar by Zach Williams – 

He Still Does Miracles by Hawk Nelson – 

Worth It by Lecrae- 

You Waited by Travis Greene- 

Always Faithful by Ashes Remain – 

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God, Is This Your Answer?

God, I asked you to use me

The next day I was diagnosed with cancer

I don’t want to question you but if that’s your answer

God, there  must be another way I plea

God, I asked you to use me

The next day my wife tells me our marriage needs a makeover

I thought all was well, I need you to takeover

God, tell me this isn’t the way please

God, I asked you to use me

The next day my teenage daughter was killed by a drunk driver

Oh God , I am not supposed to survive her

God, can’t you see me down here on my knees

God, I asked you to use me

With you by my side I will fight this cancer

With you as my strength I accept your answer

With this disease I will show your glory

God, I asked you to use me

Just when  my marriage was falling apart

You stepped in and gave us a fresh start

God, you made a masterpiece out of all the debris

God, I asked you to use me

In my worst moment you made me strong

You helped me to forgive, to sing a new song

When he couldn’t forgive himself, he saw You in me

Choose Me by Latice Crawford – 

Eye Of The Storm by Ryan Stevenson – 

Thank You For Everything by Jason Gray – 

What Has Happened? 

 

Normally on my days off I “sleep in” until 7-730.  This morning, I was awakened at 5:57 with these words and they just came pouring out. I can only say God was moving early this morning.

Five year old little man

Doesn’t seem to quite understand

Why he only sees his dad every other weekend

What has happened to til death do us part, do not commit adultery?


Everyone only looking out for number one

They don’t give a crap about the damage they’ve done

Only living for the moment , living for fun

What has happened to caring about someone else?


In a democracy we now have the minority that rules

We have men able to use the bathroom of my little girl

I just can’t comprehend what’s happening to this world

What has happened? God, what is happening?

When did our homes become a house of cards

My feelings, when did you start to disregard?

Man, life isn’t supposed to be this hard

What has happened to the golden rule ?


Hurting each other no matter the cost

Will there be another holocaust?

Can’t we see all we’ve lost, we’ve all lost

What has happened, what happened to my voice?


The entire world seems to be living in sin

They don’t care about the way they live

They don’t care about how little they give

What has happened to compassion and empathy?

The animals go extinct at alarming pace

The judges common sense has been erased

Since when does every one have to win the race?

What has happened to one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all?

We spend more than we make

Keeping up with Jones’ for the Smith’s sake

When are we going to wake up? Are you awake?

What has happened to saving for a future?


When the majority stands up to the few we get pulled under

Shows get cancelled , majority loses, is it any wonder ?

We sit by and watch it get worse, can you hear the distant thunder?

What has happened God,  how much longer ?

Health care can’t afford, no worries, someone else will pay

Climate change, getting warmer each and every day

Claim ignorance is bliss if you can’t hear what I say

What has happened to living how Jesus taught us to be ?

The ones that are to protect us are killing

The ones that are to save our money are stealing

Our kids won’t get better when dealers are dealing

What has happened to integrity and honesty ?


People killing people in our streets,  in our cities

Sending our soldiers  to fight wars in other countries

This world’s a mess, has it ever been pretty?

What has happened to love God, love your neighbor?

Our government allows sugar and toxic chemicals in our food

Our tv shows, our music, our words are becoming more lewd

My words represent the majority yet they are booed

What has happened to treating people right instead of just making a profit?

Not too long ago the Cold War came to an end

The Berlin Wall fell, reuniting family and friends

Today, new rules, new laws, borders changing without end

What has happened ? God what is happening?

God and me, we love you for who you are

If you live near me or if you live afar

Look  up, we are all living under the same stars

What has happened to my rights and what I believe in?


We’ve taken God out of schools, work and lives

We tell Him we don’t need Him then run and hide

Then we have the nerve to ask God why

What has happened? I ask you my friends, what is happening?

Something To Believe In by Poison  (alternate lyrics) – 

Something To Believe In by Poison (original lyrics) – 

Happiness by NeedToBreathe – 

Never Too Far Gone by Jordan Feliz – 

Breathe by Jonny Diaz – 

It’s Not Over Yet by For King & Country – 

Faith To Believe by Shane & Shane – 

Believe by Letter Black – 

Believer by DecembeRadio –  

Don’t Be Afraid

I have heard that the phrases like do not be afraid, do not fear, etc are in the Bible 365 times. I know that this is not the case but they are in there quite often. I wrote this when I first connected with Lily about singing my songs. I needed to reread the words this weekend to help with some of my anxieties and worries. I thought I would share, hope you like. Let me know your thoughts.

Don’t Be Afraid

As I begin to take my first step

out into this world on my own

I swear I could hear your breath

I know I heard your song


But yet I am so indecisive

Not sure of what I know

I wonder what I have to give

But I hear your voice to go


You say don’t be afraid

You say follow me

In my image you are made

You say just believe


At times I forget Your voice

At times I am so unsure

But I know this is your choice

For me to walk through this door


You made me to sing

You made me to tell your story

My voice is the gift I bring

You made me not to worry


You say don’t be afraid

You say follow me

In my image you are made

You say just believe


I take this life to give

Like an eagle these wings will soar

You made me want to live

I will take this step through this door


I won’t be afraid

I will follow you

In your image I am made

Believing is all I can do

You say don’t be afraid

Cast My Cares by Finding Favour – 

Cast My Cares by Tim Timmons – 

Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin – 

Do Not Be Afraid by Tanner Clark – 

Do Not Be Afraid by JJ Weeks Band – 

Fear Not by Chris Tomlin –