I am 14 years old and a freshman in high school. I grew up in the church and believed in God, but now, I am not so sure. I see what is going on in this world, this country, and my hometown and I have to wonder if there is a God, where is he? I have friends whose parents both work full-time jobs and just barely have food on the table. She told me yesterday that they couldn’t even afford a single Christmas present this year. I see people starving not only all over the world but right here in my town. I read about human trafficking and people doing opioids to escape their pain.
I see people in my school that are so stressed out and have such low self-esteem that they hurt themselves or do whatever it takes to be liked. I see Instagram and Snapchat pictures of smiles on their faces but I look in their eyes and see nothing but hurt. I know I am loved, but there are so many people my age who do not feel loved or do not know who they are.
I have friends I go to church and Wildlife and now Younglife with that are having these same issues and are leaving the church or just quit believing. I want to believe there is a God, I want to believe there is hope and love in this world, but I am struggling.
Mr. editor, I am 14 years old, I should not have to worry if today is the day I go to school and someone will shoot me and my friends.
So, is there a God and if so, where is he?
Dear Kylie,
First, thank you for your letter. I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. It does not matter if you are four or fourteen or forty-four, we are all frustrated with the world we live in.
I am not a theologian, simply a writer, and I will do my best to answer your questions.
A simple answer to your question, where is God, would be that we, or some people, asked him to leave our schools, we told him we didn’t need him and we stopped praying, we told him we could do it on our own. So, he simply left.
But like I said, that is a simple answer and also the wrong answer because I do not believe he left at all. I see teenagers every day that are making a difference. You probably see them, and maybe you are one of them, that take a stand against bullying, that reaches out to someone who is hurting, even if that person is not in their “circle.” They are the ones that will do what is right, not what is popular, no matter what others will think about them. Kylie, that is where you will find God.
I know our church collects gifts to give to those in need and can’t afford Christmas presents. Not only our church but churches and communities and individuals that give to the needy, like your friend’s family, so that they can have a Christmas. I know this time of year is hard for families with financial hardships, but when you see others giving and volunteering to help those in need, that is where God is.
I see the same news and social media you see about the evil in this world, such as human trafficking and drug overdoses. That’s what the news wants you to see, but they do not show the good that is out there. You truly have to search for it to know that for every bad news story, there is a good one. The Bible says seek and you will find.
I ask you to do that Kylie, turn away from the news feeds and search for good. Organizations like ECPAT-USA, ecoatusa.org, who are also international, or Polaris Project, polarisproject.org. Even right here in central Ohio there is Out Of Darkness Columbus Ohio, outofdarknesscolmbusoh.org and Live United Delaware County, liveuniteddelawarecounty.org.
There are thousands and thousands of other organizations and individuals that are fighting against evil in this world. That is where God is Kylie.
How do I know God exists? Take a look at our planet Earth. If it were positioned just a few inches from where it is located, it would not exist. Think about that Kylie. If the earth was located less than half the size of your iPhone, it would not be able to support human life. Scientists can’t even disagree with that.
How else do I know God exists? Well, it is you and me and every other human in this world. None of us are exactly the same. Who could make billions of people and not one of them is the same? How could billions of people exist that are all unique down to the tiniest DNA in their bodies if they were not created by God? Do you think that could happen by chance? I do not.
I did not always feel this way. Unlike you, Kylie, who grew up in church and knew about God and his love from the moment you were born, I did not. I did things my own way and ran my own life and was desperate to change the way I was living and one day I just stopped and turned around. I let God, who was pursuing me my entire life, catch me. And when he caught me, my life changed. I fell to my knees and I wept. Which was strange to me because I was raised to not show my feelings. To keep it all inside and be tough like a man. But that very moment God caught me, I was overwhelmed with love. As I learned about God, I learned about who he made me to be and what my identity is in Him. Not what everyone else thinks of me, but what God thinks of me. That changed my life.
Kylie, I have made many mistakes in my life. I have been divorced twice and tore apart my family because I was selfish and did things my way. Christians are humans and like all humans, we all make mistakes. After I accepted God into my life, seven years ago the unthinkable happened. My wife had an affair. It started around this time of year and I kept hearing a voice, or having a sixth sense if you will, to check her emails. Call it God trying to get involved before it got too far or call it the devil trying to tell me to look at what I helped your wife do, I do not know, but I ignored it because I trusted her. Until I could not ignore it and I found out the truth. In my anger, rage, hurting, and how could you, I wanted a divorce. Then on January 17th, I could not sleep. I was tossing and turning and crying and at 2:37 am, I felt the need to bundle up and take a walk. I remember the exact day and time because it is the first time I heard God speak to me. As I walked outside and tears streamed down my face and I yelled at God why, how could he let this happen, I looked up and saw the many many stars. In the stillness of the cold night, I heard him say stay, this is not about you, it’s about her and I need you to stay and be strong and help me help her come back to us. Over the next few weeks, a peace came over me and instead of yelling and saying hurtful things, I spoke words I never thought I could speak. They were not my words but God’s. Seven years later, even though not all is perfect, no marriage is, we are still proof of God’s grace, forgiveness, mercy, and love.
Kylie, Only God can heal a man like me, a marriage torn apart by an affair, and the brokenness of the people in this world.
We only have to be still and ask for him to help us and tell us what to do.
My dad did not believe in God. Thankfully, to his wonderful wife, my mother, who had a heart of gold and to his caretakers over the last few months of his life, and maybe to the way I lived my life after I accepted God, he accepted that Jesus is his lord and savior and invited him into his life shortly before he passed. I wish he could have had more time to know how much God loves him but in my grieving, I also knew that I would see him again. Only God can heal the grieving and the hurting Kylie.
Kylie, I wish everyone your age, or any age, knew what their true identity in Christ is. I believe that if everyone knew how much they were loved, how they were chosen to be born and that there is a plan for their life that there would less hurt in this world. I wish that they defined themselves as God defines them. That they would understand that false identity comes from the brokenness in this world. Trust that Jesus died on the cross for their sins and that they were forgiven and that there is a better way to live this thing we call life. I wish that they would find their plan and purpose for what God has for them, not what this world tells them they should be.
Kylie, do not choose happiness. It is an emotion like sadness or anger or excitement. It comes and goes with circumstances. Choose joy and love Kylie. No matter what you are going through choose to love, choose to be joyful. That is where you will find God.
You can choose what your heart will follow, Kylie, and what your heart follows is where you will be. Choose goodness, compassion, empathy. Choose to follow the good in the world and people will follow you because they will see how you live. Kylie, that is where God will be.
I recently saw the movie Overcomer. I could tell you a million quotes that I wish every teenager would know in this social media world where everything is based on smiles and likes but one I would like to share is this: people always try to tell you to look like this person or do something this way because it is popular but knowing that God loves you and he made you, why would you want to be anyone else.
Be yourself. Kylie, When you realize and accept that, your self-image and your identity and your view of the world will change. Filter out the negatives and live in the positives.
You, Kylie, are a child of God and you are here for a reason.
Kylie, I wish this world was not what it is. I wish and pray today when you go to school that it won’t be your last day on this earth. But, I beg you Kylie, do not live in fear. God does not live in fear. Live with hope Kylie, go out today and change the world. Be the one who shows the world that God is alive and well and that he lives in you.
Kylie, even in the bad I see all around me, I choose to see the good more. From the morning sunrise to the evening stars, from the leafless trees of winter to the first flower that blooms in the spring. From the first breath a baby takes to the last breath someone breathes. There is a shell that covers this unseen world and people choose to believe in what only they can see but there are mysteries in the unseen that we will never fully understand but it is as real as the next breath you take. You must have faith, hope and love, Kylie. That is where God resides and that is where you will find him. From the beginning to the end, I choose to see God in all of it and that is how I know God was here yesterday, he is here today, and he will be here tomorrow.
Kylie, God is alive and well and he is in you. He made you and he saved you, he loves you, he blesses you, he protects you, you are chosen and he died for you, Kylie. If you will find it in your heart to believe how much you are loved and chosen then you, too, will see him everywhere for he will be with you everywhere you go.
In the good and the bad, in the laughter and the tragedy, seek him, Kylie. He is there.
And that my dearest Kylie, is how I know that God exists and that he is here today.
Well here I am home from NYC. Be prepared for a long read. As you know I was thrilled to find out that last year running the Columbus Marathon that I qualified for NYC marathon and Boston. I do what I love to do and it is to run. I ran my long runs and ran the NYC marathon on our treadmill (we have one of the ifit google map ones where we can run anywhere in the world) over and over again. I was also battling my back issues with L3-4 injury along with bulging disc. Went on with training and starting to have hamstring issues and glute issues as well. I just kept training and icing. There were times while training my runs would consist of my left leg buckling under me on the road or on treadmill. The only way I can explain it is I felt at times that I was going to fall. I continued to fuel ( w/ Arbonne) and eat clean, like I always do. I wanted to do my best when NYC was here. I was aiming for 3:30 finish time. I did Columbus in 3:42 so why not do better. I can say that NYC is a tough course! It was truly an experience from getting up at 4 am to walking to the subway to get to Staten Island Ferry and catch the ferry at 6am to then get on a bus to take us to the start. Once off the bus you then walk to your village to stay there and wait for your wave. I was in the orange village. Once in your village you are just outside waiting for your start time ( mine was 9:50). Imagine being outside that long just to start a race! Just sitting on the ground keeping warm and stretching and talking to whomever or sleep. Your wave gets called and it is time. Time to pound the ground for 26.2 miles through the city of New York and crossing 5 bridges. What a true way to see the city. The start came and I was able to get some pictures when I took off. It was packed! As my race began I was feeling good. Did not feel as nervous as I thought I was going to be once it started. My first half ( 13 miles) I felt good. I thought I had a good pace going and was able to look around and take in the crowds and see some of the buildings. Then mile 14 I felt pain in my back and it would go down my left leg. That feeling of buckling under came and went throughout the rest of the race. I told myself I was not going to stop.
I knew at times I would have to walk but I was not going to stop. Then I saw him and Kylie and pointed to my leg. I knew I was done, I knew I was not going to finish in the time I wanted and it started to get to me. I was getting disappointed and in pain. I powered through and recall texting Rob “pain” around mile 19. Needless to say I finished in 4:17 ( by far my worse run). I crossed the finished line w/ mixed emotions of joy, accomplishment, sadness and disappointment. What will others think of me after I told them what I was aiming for? What will Rob think of me let alone my children Kylie, Kelsey, Kayhla and Kirstie?
I looked up into the heavens and knew that God was proud of me! That I do know!! Once crossing the line all I wanted was to get to my family. The long walk to get them was nuts. You get the malar wrap to keep you warm and then a bag of recovery fuel and food then the warm poncho. Still no family. To walk that walk and to see all the other runners with smiles or pain was overwhelming. So many runners getting help from the medics for whatever reason was nuts. I had some that came to me and asked if I was okay. I finally got to my family and it was the best feeling ever. Rob and Kylie were so sweet and loving to me as we walked back to the hotel. I still felt disappointment, and pain, as we walked.
Not much was said on the plane ride back to Ohio or the ride home. I just wanted to shower and go to bed. Monday came and I was sore and still heartbroken. I believe I slept most of the day until it was time for my training sessions in the evening. Yep, right back to work I went (I just didn’t do the workouts). I felt like a failure when my clients came but they did not see me that way, they saw me as an inspiration, they saw me as an encourager, a fighter. Why could I not see myself that way? Tuesday was not any better, ever little thing set me off and I cried. Was this going to stop? Was I going to be able to put this race behind me and let it go and move on? I knew deep down I was going to get to that point of letting it go. Maybe God was waiting for me to learn from this experience before I could move on.
As I look back on this today ( while stretched out on the couch with pain shooting down my glutes and legs) I am wondering what does God want me to take from this? I am a winner, regardless of my time, I accomplished something only others wish they could do. He is teaching me that running does not define me ( regardless of time). He is also reminding me that I have to take care of the temple ( body) he gave me, it is the only one I have. I need to take time and recover, slow down etc. something I am NOT good at by any means. I always want to run. I need to remember I have a family that counts on me and wants me around for years to come. My take away from this. I know I am playing the should of, would of, could of thoughts in my mind and beating myself up. I can not let this get the best of me. As my new friend (Theresa) told me don’t let it get to me, grieve over it but don’t let it eat me. Grieving I am ( maybe only a runner understands) but I know it won’t define me. I know yesterday I did not wear my medal because I was down and for that I am sorry. Like I have been hearing I am a winner, I accomplished something huge, I FINISHED!
I know I beat myself up. I know I push myself way too much. It is time to scale back and take it slow. I am going to take some time off from running and will replace it with strength training, core work, and yoga ( I have to do something). I have Boston coming up in April and I want to be healed. I want to thank all of you for your prayers and encouragement along the way. I am a winner and I know that (even though it does stink at times when I still think about it) and I know I am loved and made people proud. It truly is a tough course, I will give NYC that. I am so glad I qualified. I won’t say I will not do it again because knowing me I will be back to conquer the course. #TCSNYCmarathon .
My God let me take on the experience of a life time. This marathon, regardless of how big I thought it was, does not define me. I am a runner, regardless if I finished at 4:17, I am a marathon runner. However, even running does not define who I am. So be it I was able to qualify for awesome marathons, so be it I am able to run each and every day. That does not make who I am. What makes me is that I am a child of God and He loves me regardless of my time on a race clock or a Garmin watch. I am a mother to four beautiful girls and three grand children. I am a wife to a wonderful, devoted Christian man and they love me regardless of the time on the clock. My family needs me and I need them. They need me to be injury free so I can be there for them any hour, any minute of the day. God needs me to be His obedient servant and use my talents that He has blessed me with. The people I help overcome the fear of running a 5k (3.1 miles) for their first time in Run For God classes. My clients that I push on a daily basis for them to overcome them saying “I can’t lift this, I can’t jump that.” The elementary girls that I served as their coach in Girls On the Run. That is what God remembers, He does not remember the time on the clock, the number of laps completed. He remembers us being His children. What defines us is how we overcome our setbacks, and this was a setback for sure. I did not get my time I wanted but I finished none the less. I accomplished something huge that November morning and it will forever be etched in my brain and on my heart.
This race defined how tough and determined I am and that I can do all things when God is on my side. He is the one who got me through to the end–to finish and I thanked Him for that when I crossed. I am taking this time and allowing God to come into my soul even deeper, I know there is a reason behind His works and it is not for me (or us) to question them but to have faith and know He is here and He has walked what we have experienced. I am not a failure!! I am a winner, I am a runner and more importantly I am a child of God who loves me regardless, as so does my family. To top this all off, God works in wonderful ways, He knows my spirits were down and He knows I was getting up and dusting myself off and what arrives in my mailbox Wednesday?…..2016 Boston Marathon Confirmation of Acceptance letter. Yep, time for me to let it go, rest, heal my back and hamstring, get a doctors perspective of my injuries and what to do because I have 5 months to show that I can and will overcome and I will be that 3:30 marathoner.
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