True Story- A Testimony

It’s been a rough 18 months. There was a two-three month period in that 18 months that I lost myself. For the first time in my life someone made me feel as if I wasn’t enough, that I was worthless. I walked away from most of what I believed in and gave up on the rest.

I will be the first to admit that I let anger and everything that goes with betrayal get the best of me. Even counseling did not seem to help.

Even though I felt like I knew the truth, I was still being lied to , which was causing more anxiety and hate and frustration and arguments. and taking me farther away from the man I am. I do not understand why people can not tell the truth. I would rather have a truth that hurts than a lie to make me feel better or question my own intuition. At least once the truth is out there, you can start to heal.

Then one night a couple months ago I had a dream. I can still remember every detail to this day. And when I’m having a bad thought or feel anger taking control again, the images in this dream come to my mind and I give it all away again.

I will admit after the dream, I had three really good weeks then three really bad days but ever since then, I am a different man.

Only one person gets the credit and that is Jesus.

Here is the dream I had.

I was driving along a road that was going up a hill or mountain. The road did not look familiar to me. I remember I was the only one on the road and to the left of me was a deep valley.

As I was driving in the middle of the day, the sky suddenly became like a sunset. Oranges and reds and pinks. Picture the most beautiful sunset you have ever seen and multiply that by a hundred.

Then the sky parted and a man came down out of the sky. I can only assume it was Jesus.

I stopped my car and got out. I started walking toward him.

He approached me and put his hands on my shoulders. He told me it was time to let it go. Give all the anger and disappointment and anxiety and everything that came with the betrayal to him.

Tears started coming to my eyes.

But I wasn’t letting go.

Then he repeated what he said.

Give it to me. It’s time to let it go.

Then he took his hands off my shoulders and ascended back toward the clouds.

Before he got there he turned around and reached out his hands and told me he had it all now. To keep giving it to him. It’s not my burden to bear any longer. To live the way he intended me to live. To love and not hate.

Then, probably because he knows me so well, he once again said I have it all. Let it go.

The he disappeared into the clouds and the sky turned the brightest blue I have even seen.

Then I woke up and had tears streaming down my face.

And all I can say is in the seven weeks since my three day relapse, I have been a different man.

My anxiety and hurt and anger has for the most part have gone away. And when it surfaces, it is immediately replaced with visions from my dream.

Does that mean my marriage is saved? No, not at all. But what it means is I don’t have to live with the hurt and betrayal and anger.

I can still love. I can still know that I am enough. I can still know that life is worth living. I can still know that I am okay. I can still know that I am loved.

We all have been given the ability to bless and not curse, to love and not hate, to give and not take. We only have to remember we have a helper to show us the way.

So do I believe God is real? There is no way I could ever doubt it.

Then Came Christ by MercyMe-

Remember by Lauren Daigle-

Believer by Rhett Walker-

Ain’t Nobody by Cody Carnes-

These Are Just A Few Of The Things That Are Messed Up On My Street

We have cats that bark and dogs that meow

We have wolves that roar and lions that howl

We have tigers that eat veggies and giraffes that eat meat

These are just a few of the things that are messed up on my street

We have newborns who talk and adults who don’t

We have things to be done but we know to be done they won’t

We have teenagers that are mature and parents that are not

We have commitments that are made and then conveniently forgot

We have neighbors that are alive and some that are dead

We have some planning a future and some with ghosts in their heads

We have turtles that are fast and rabbits that are slow

We have rivers that are dry and farm fields that won’t grow

We have hate that is rampant and we have love trying to find a way

We have marriages holding on tight and some destroyed by one choice made

We have people being shot and people being healed

We have truths being told and lies being concealed

We have some that live free and others that live in fear

We have some that have given up and some that believe hope still lives here

Then there is me who wants to be happy but is quite sad

I will share with you some of the questions I have

Can you love someone but no longer want to be with them?

Can you not go to church but still pray to God amen?

Would a chicken ever eat an egg and can a bee sting another bee?

Do these words make any sense to anyone but me?

If anything is possible doesn’t that mean anything could be impossible?

Which would also mean anything that is probable could still be improbable

If you expect the unexpected doesn’t that make the unexpected expected?

If I only talk to people via text and social media, am I really connected?

If my life is better in my dreams is it possible my life is really a dream?

Sometimes I wonder what’s the point if I am me and this is all that will ever be

Does a fish or shark or whale ever get dehydrated?

If you caused the issue then why, at me, are you so frustrated?

What’s the least important thing that’s the most important thing to you right now?

I apologize, as usual, these voices in my head have gotten sidetracked somehow

Is it committing murder if I kill these voices inside of me?

Social media shows every one is happy but I know not all is as it seems

If a toddler refuses to take a nap does that mean it’s resisting a rest?

Life, please give me some answers because I’m failing your test

How many times can a heart break before it breaks forever?

How many times can you say you won’t do the thing you did? I will never….

How many chapters of our life should I read before I close it and make my own ending?

Because, if we must honestly admit, we both know we are only pretending

God please help me, I think I’m going insane

Guess I better mow the grass before it starts to rain

Wait, I thought of something that doesn’t make sense

If I give you a penny for your thoughts then why are your thoughts worth two cents?

If, as a child, you’re told not to take candy from strangers then why is there Halloween?

If rabbits don’t lay eggs then where does the Easter Bunny get all the eggs it delivers to you and me?

I know, I know, I should really wrap this up

But can you answer this, does it exist, it being love

I know I’m unique, broken, hopeful, confused, a little crazy but is there anyone else like me?

These are just a few of the things I think about when I think about the things that are messed up on my street

Odd Man Out by Clayton Jones-

Things I Wish I Would’ve Said by Katy Nichole-

Who You Thought I Was by Brandy Clark-

Memories by Conan Gray-

Word That Don’t Exist by Citizen Soldier-

I’m Getting A Divorce

No, not from my wife. I am divorcing all the things in my life that take away from God’s purpose for my life. The list is long and I may fail on some but with the help of Jesus, I can end the relationships.

I am divorcing pride. He was been there too long. Not that I thought I was better than anyone else because I am not but the pride that I thought I didn’t need anyone else. The pride that told me I can do this by myself. The pride that kept me from reaching out to others for help. Proverbs 16:18  Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

I am divorcing negative thoughts. The ones that tell me I can’t do this. The ones that keep me from doing that. The ones that tell me people will think I am not good enough. The ones that tell me no one will read this anyway. Proverbs 15:26 The LORD detests the thoughts of the wicked, but those of the pure are pleasing to him.

I am divorcing negative words. I will no longer bring others down by the words I speak. I will speak words of encouragement, words of healing, words of truth, words of love. Job 4:4 Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees

I am divorcing fear. Fear that has kept me from talking. Fear that has kept me from doing. Fear that has kept me from living. Fear that has kept me in my box far too long.

I am divorcing not forgiving others. It is said that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison then waiting for the other person to die. I am tired of holding on to the pain, the anger, the hurt. It is not up to me to punish them. I have to forgive in order for me to live again. God is in control. How many times has he forgiven me? Luke 11:4 Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.

I am divorcing going through the motions. I will no longer say I am okay or fine when you ask if I am not okay or fine. I will no longer say I will help and not. I will no longer say we should volunteer and not sign up. I will no longer live my life like a robot.

I am divorcing shame. Shame that has kept my secrets hidden. Shame that I am not wanted. I am divorcing the shame of my family not wanting me, the shame of my family controlling me and doing things they want so they will like me, the shame of my family giving me no boundaries, the shame of the family that abused me. (note: this isn’t my family. I have a wonderful family but this is for those that don’t). I did not deserve to be shamed by you and now I am divorcing you. Job 11:15 then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear.

I am divorcing my past and my worries and anxiety about the future. My past does not define me and will not shape my future. My worries about the future only take away the joy of my today. I will live in the present. I will love each moment I have of today. I will live each day like it is a gift from God. 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I am divorcing my selfish ways. I am going to give more of my time to my wife and children. I am going to give more of my time to my community. I am going to give more of time to my church. I will not be overwhelmed by the things I have to do. If I need 25 hours in day to get things done, God will show me how to do it. Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

I am divorcing my low self-esteem. I am not who you say I am. I am wanted, accepted, and loved by my God, Jesus.

I am divorcing guilt. Guilt for the things I have done to others. Guilt for the things I have done to myself. I am not a bad person even though I have done bad things. Psalm 38:4 My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.

I am divorcing lies. Lies I have told and lies I have believed. I am divorcing the lies of this world. There is only one truth and that  is the Word Of Jesus. Leviticus 19:11 ‘Do not steal. ” ‘Do not lie. ” ‘Do not deceive one another

I am divorcing anger and hate. I have been so mad at people that it has made me hate them. I have hated people I don’t even know for the things they have done to people I don’t even know. I have hated and been angered at those that hurt children. I have hated and been angered at those that have taken advantage of the elderly and the sick. It is not my job to put punishment on these people. God will have the final say. Deuteronomy 30:7 The LORD your God will put all these curses on your enemies who hate and persecute you

I am divorcing judgement. I have judged people on the way they look and the clothes they wear. I have judged people by the job they have and the places they live. One day that could be me. Mark 14:7 The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me

I am divorcing temptation. I am tempted way too often by way too many things. The devil will tempt me again but by the name of Jesus I will not fall for his deceptions and his lies. I will follow the truth. Matthew 6:13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. and Matthew 26:41 Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.

Some of these I will be able to divorce easily and quickly. Some of these will be hard and take years. Will these ex’s try to sneak back into my life? Yes. Will I cheat on my new life by falling back to my old life? I pray not but only with the help of Jesus will I succeed. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Lay Down My Pride by Jeremy Camp – 

Speak Life by TobyMac – 

Motions by Matthew West – 

Dear X, You Don’t Own Me by Disciple – 

We Fall Apart by We As Human – 

Disconnected by Veridia – 

Negative Positive by 3 Winans Brothers – 

Shame by Keith Urban – 

Why Worry by NewSong –