Finding My Shadow

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I was a happy child. I was always smiling, always laughing. I was healthy. I ate good and exercised. I had a few close friends.

However, my best friend was my shadow. He went with me everywhere I went. He played the same games I played. He liked the same animals I liked. We were inseparable. Even when I went to bed at night, he was tucked in right beside me. When the lights went out, I would not worry because I knew he would be there in the morning when I woke up.

We would then start the day again. My shadow always right beside me. I would laugh and smile. We would eat together, play together, and at night we would sleep together. Through the years that would never change.

Until one morning I woke up and it did change. My shadow was gone.

I looked for him everywhere. In the glow of the kitchen light at breakfast, outside at the brightest time of day, and at night with my bedside lamp, but he was nowhere to be found.

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I became dark. My smile went away. I no longer laughed. I no longer wanted to play or talk to anyone, even my parents. I wanted to stay in my room all day and all night.

I wasn’t happy. Why would my shadow leave me? There was no explanation that I could find. I woke up one morning and everything had changed. I tried to snap out of it but couldn’t. My parents tried. Nothing worked.

I even quit looking for my shadow.

I lashed out at everyone. Just leave me alone. The darkness would not go away. I hated the person I had become. I felt like a prisoner, trapped in my own mind. I thought things I could not believe I was thinking. I felt like hurting myself, hurting others. I quit doing my schoolwork and I was getting into trouble at school.

Then one day, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw my shadow. It was only a glimpse, a split second, and I could’ve been wrong, but a hope came over me. A hope I clinged to. And as I started to hope, the darkness started to leave me. And as the darkness started to leave me, I started seeing my shadow everywhere.

And as I started seeing my shadow everywhere, I started finding me everywhere.

The darkness did not win. I could smile again. I was me again.

I know not everyone can find their shadow, if you need someone to talk to reach out to

Depression – 855-403-7229  ,

Text CONNECT to 741741

Suicide – 1-800-273-8255    https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

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Dodging Raindrops by 311-

I Miss Those Days by NF-

Fell From The Moon by 3 Doors Down –

Someone To Talk To by Tenth Avenue North-

Love Is Stronger by Matt Kennon –

I Smile by Lotte Sollie  –

Don’t Worry by 311-

Call On Me by Starley –

Carry On by Young Rising Sons-

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Love Not Hate: Love On Trial

So I posted this at 1030 this morning, and then I posted it to Facebook.  Now it is no longer on WordPress and it can not be found on Facebook.  I think the forces are out for people not to read this one.

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As with humans, the birds keep repeating history instead of learning from it. Catch up on their history with the links below.

Love, Not Hate: Part 1

Love, Not Hate: Part Two

Love, Not Hate: Christmas Eve

Love, Not Hate: A New Chapter

Love, Not Hate: A New World

Love, Not Hate: The Division

Love, Not Hate: The Reconciliation

Love, Not Hate: Tragedy At Mandalay Bay

Love, Not Hate: Continue To Love

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Some of the birds were in pain

Some of the birds cried in the rain

Another shooting, another tragedy

An opioid epidemic to escape reality

Nothing in their world was making sense

Every bird suspicious and on defense

One question asked by the birds of prey and the birds of love

Where is the eagle? Why has he abandoned us?

All of you were born with a heart to love

The cardinal, blue jay, vulture, warbler, the dove

But love has gone away over the last few years

While anxiety has increased, and with that fears

What can we do? The birds ask as depression looms large

Darkness has overcome the land as it seems no one is in charge

Then out of nowhere the eagle lands

Only to be taken into the trial to take his stand

“Where have you been?” the birds proclaim

On vacation or don’t care,” his reputation they try to defame

They all throw words of hate at him, both birds large and small

The birds all say you said would love and stay and defend us all

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Then the eagle looks at the birds scattered around, clears his throat and boldly speaks

“Your schools, your courts, your homes and some of your churches, you asked me to leave

I say love all and teach acceptance

But you preach intolerance

While the poor become poorer and the rich become more prosperous

Have I ever said not to help the least of us?

I ask you to lend a hand, to help each other out

But you scream hate and racist remarks you shout

I ask you to pick a brother up when he is down

But you use your beaks and claws to stomp him in the ground

I ask you to protect each other with your lives

But you kill each other with words as sharp as knives

I ask you not to store possessions but to give to those in need

But instead of sharing most of you would rather bleed

I give each of you a light inside yourselves to change all of our kind

But each of you denies that light, instead, acting as if you are blind

You ask where have I been? I say I have never left

I will even go so far as to say you have never been more blessed

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But what have you done with all these blessings

That’s a good question, many of you will be left guessing

But some of you will recognize the truth

I have given it all to the elders to teach all the youth

Parkland, Las Vegas, El Paso, Dayton. When will it stop?

I tell you when you love and all this hate you drop

You place me here on trial

But you, my friends, are in denial

I was there when the bullets took your loved ones away

I was there when you cried those tears of pain

I was there when the questions came

I was there when it was I who you blamed

I was there even though you have asked me to leave

I was there in your moments of joy and your moments of grief

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I was there in the deaths of the battlefields

I was there, protecting you with my shield

I was there when it didn’t rain in your barren lands

I was there when food was bountiful in your hands

I was there in every misfortune and every blessing

I was there when your tongues cursed me and when they were professing

I was there in those moments you felt uninspired

Yes, I was there when those shots were fired

Now I have answered your question on where was I

And I have said that hate is the answer to the question why

But I leave you with this when you wonder if I am here at all

Where is the love? Where are you all birds big and small?

Where is the compassion, empathy, and kindness? Listen to what I say

Fight for love, do not let the land be taken over by the birds of prey!”

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Why God by Austin French-

Where Is God by Michael Farren –

Questions by Tori Kelley-

Parkland by Duff McKagan-

Common by Maren Morris-

What If by India Arie –

Change by Mavis Staples-

1000 Promises by Building 429 –

 

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I Wish She Would’ve Kept Reading

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There was her book on the night stand

The only thing she left of her and me

With nothing but a sigh and a broken heart

I opened to where she stopped, page two seventy three

Who could leave with a story unfinished?

It was just two days ago she said it must be fate

She was so excited about the characters

It was her life, she said she could relate

I opened it up and started to read

It was right there where she stopped, in black and white

Gina left Tommy for some mystery guy

She knew in her heart that she was right

But, God, oh, God how I wish she would’ve kept reading

It was just a few pages over, just a few pages more

That Gina ran into her  mystery guys arms

She said she left Tommy for good, she swore and swore

But then the guy asked, what have you done?

I’m married, I can’t leave my wife

Then Gina looked at him in disbelief

It was right then and there she thought she would die

God, oh God, how I wish she would’ve kept reading

Just a few more sentences, just a few more chapters

If she would’ve stayed just a little longer

All this sadness could’ve been laughter

I read more and more, page after page

I turned the pages until I got to chapter twenty five

When Gina knocked on Tommy’s door

When she begged Tommy to give her another try

I thought for a few words that their relationship

Had a chance, that it might actually survive

But  my eyes welled up when I read the last words

When Tommy closed the door and said goodbye

I wasn’t surprised when I heard a car pull in the driveway

I opened the door and she asked, will you ever forgive me?

The only thing I could do was give her the book

And say I wish you would’ve read past page two seventy three

God, oh God, how I wish you would’ve kept reading

I shut the door and walked away

God, oh God, I wish she would’ve kept reading

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Better Homes And Gardens by Taking Back Sunday-

Beautiful Lies by Jana Kramer-

You And Me by Memphis May Fire-

Forever by Drew Jacobs-

Bitter by Citizen Soldier-

Back To Square One by Marty Mullins-

Who I Am To Stand In Your Way by Chester See-

Ashes Pt 2 by The Struts-

 

Your Hand To Hold

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Forgive me, I know I haven’t been myself

Sometimes I feel like I’m somebody else

I’m trying to do all I can

It’s nice just to hold your hand

I know we have had some good years

But the memories slowly disappear

When I forget where I am

It’s nice just to hold your hand

I know many times I ask you to repeat

I appreciate how you humor me

Now I don’t know God’s plan

But I sure am thankful He gave me your hand

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Thank you for remembering the foods I like

And for making my darkness so bright

Thank you for remembering who I am

I know I love holding your hand

One day my brain will forget to tell my heart to beat

I’ll be gone and you’ll no longer be with me

I’ll wait patiently in Heaven so grand

Until again I can hold your hand

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Remember For Me by Gordon Mote-

Throw Me A Party by Rita Wilson-

While He Still Knows Who I Am by Kenny Chesney –

Remember Me by Chris Mann-

Blank Stares by Jay Allen –

 

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Playing For The Crickets

 

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Out here playing for the crickets

Cause no one will buy any tickets

I’ve got a chorus of bullfrogs playing bass

Hundred lightning bugs lighting up the place

My dog’s tail beats an old metal trash can as if playing drums

He’s a little off beat but he sure knows how to stick out his tongue

A stray cat chimes in with a melody

An old dog barks because we disturb his sleep

An alligator joins in from the swamp

I like how he stomps, I pray he doesn’t chomp

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A thousand mosquitoes buzz overhead

I better play one they like or they might sting me dead

I play one about that old muddy creek

And they fly away content, leaving us in peace

I play another about a summer love that I let slip away

A raccoon decides to join the crowd before the night turns to day

I close the night with a few of my greatest hits

Then my butt tells me it’s tired of the sits

So I stand and thank my band and take a bow

My show is over and I look at the crowd

I thank the raccoon and the crickets

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Songs For Missing Dad on Father’s Day

Dad by Tyler Wood –

Dad’s Old Number by Cole Swindell-

Hey Dad by Matt Stilwell –

Heaven Bound Balloons by Granger Smith-

Jealous Of The Angels by Katherine Jenkins-

Song For Dad by Surrender The Crown –

Miss You All The Time by O.A.R.-

Fishing With My Dad by Bobby Bones-

What I Wouldn’t Give by We The Kings-

Chevy and Daddy by AJ Sanders-

Kayhla Is A Buckeye For Life

Well, I am only almost four weeks late in writing this, but on May 5th, my daughter graduated from The Ohio State University.

She always said she would not go to Ohio State because that is where I graduated from, but, thankfully,  she came to her senses.  Now she is a part of Buckeye Nation for life.

I have to be honest and say I wasn’t sure if she would finish her education. After going to Ohio State for almost two years, she married and moved to Virginia and I did not think she would stick with it. But she took online classes and then moved back to Ohio. For the last year and a half she drove 90 minutes one way to go to classes and she did it.

She majored in psychology, probably to try and figure me out, and received a job offer in her field. She will be working with children with autism.

Congratulations Kayhla, I am so proud of you and I love you.

We Are Buckeyes by Joseph Allen White –

The Tradition by   –

As Children Often Do

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From the time she could talk she was full of questions. And I, of course, was full of answers.

Why this, why that, where, when and who?

But as children often do, my daughter grew and grew and her questions became more elaborate.

Where are we going dad?

Nowhere.

Dad, what will we do when we get to nowhere?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Yeah, dad, I love going to nowhere with you and doing absolutely nothing. But I wonder, if we go nowhere and do nothing, does that make me a nobody?

Her questions were very deep so I thought for a second and told her she would never be a nobody. She is loved and cherished and will always be a somebody to me.

If I keep going south will I eventually be north?

38 Anniversary Quotes That Will Inspire You 24

As children often do, she grew and grew and her questions became more challenging.

Dad, if we get lost going to nowhere, will we end up somewhere? And when we get to somewhere, will we do something? But I wonder, if we go somewhere and do something, will I then be somebody?

Dad, can we get from here to there without going anywhere? And if we find anywhere, can we go there anytime? But I wonder, if we go anywhere anytime will I still be anybody to you?

If I ever find myself stuck between here and there and can’t find my way to you, will you come looking for me?

I couldn’t understand why her thoughts were taking her to these places but the only thing I could do was put my arms around her and reassure her no matter where she is or what time it is or what I am doing, I will always come and find her when she needed me.

But if I don’t tell you I need you, how will you know?

I will always pray that I will know but if for some reason I don’t know, I know a father who loves you more than even I do who will always be there for you even if I, for some inexplicable reason, get lost and am a little late in getting there.

Thanks dad, but what if I meant to go nowhere but ended up somewhere doing everything I know I shouldn’t do, would you still love me then? Would you go everywhere and do something, anything, to bring me back to someplace where you always are?

Not a doubt in mind that I would go everywhere and do something, anything, anytime to bring you back to nowhere so we could do nothing.

If the sun sets in the west will it always be dark the more west I go?

Just remember, dear daughter, no matter how many steps you take into the darkness, it only takes one to turn around and see the light.

 

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If I’m doing nothing am I really doing something and can I be doing something but actually be doing nothing?

As children often do, my daughter grew and grew. As she grew it was my arms that became empty, as she no longer wanted me to hold her and it was my heart that shattered to pieces, as it seemed she longer wanted it to beat for her.

I would knock on her door and ask, “Would you like to go nowhere today and do nothing?” To which she would just sigh and say “Dad, I’m not a little girl anymore.”

I would give her some time and distance and then I would knock on her door and ask, “Would you like to go somewhere sometime today and do something?”

To which she would reply, “Dad, I’m busy doing other things today.”

But I could tell something was going on, but I didn’t want to seem pushy, but I knew she needed me.

I gave her more time and more distance, even though it was killing me to see her so sad.

One day I knocked on her door and said, “My daughter, when you find yourself nowhere doing nothing and wanting to go somewhere to be somebody but you can’t seem to go anywhere any of the time remember I love you everywhere every second of every day simply because you are you and that’s enough.”

She gave me a sad smile and a thanks dad.

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Then I heard a voice telling me time and distance isn’t what she needs, she needs closeness and love even though it isn’t what she says.

I went and I knocked on her door and she was crying. I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. After a few minutes and a very wet shirt later, she calmed down and looked up at me and I looked into those beautiful brown eyes as she asked me a question I had been wanting to hear for so long.

“Dad, do you think we could go nowhere?”

I smiled and asked, “Daughter, what will we do when we get there?”

Then she smiled back and said, “I was thinking we would do nothing dad, absolutely nothing.”

“Daughter, there is no place I would rather be than nowhere doing absolutely nothing with you.”

As children often do, my daughter grew and grew.

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I’m Standing With You By  by Chrissy Metz-

Like Your Father Does by Rhett Walker Band-

Pray With You by Mallary Hope-

I’ll Wait by The Strumbellas-

Have To Stay by Dido –

Shed A Tear by Kodaline-

Like Arrows by Matt Hammitt-

Short Are The Years by Jason Crabb –

More Than Gonna Make It by Alisa Turner-

Fighting For Me by Riley Clemmons-

 

In The Morning by JJ Heller –

 

 

While Mom Was In Boston 4/15

While Kim was in Boston for her annual running of the Boston Marathon, Kylie and I had some bonding time. It seems to be getting harder to do here lately. Of course, as you can tell my lack of posts, I haven’t done much of anything lately but try to stay afloat.

We went out to eat at a new place called the Atlas Tavern. Kylie had the southern fried chicken sandwich with cole slaw on it. She said it was the best thing she had ever tasted. She also had some grilled veggies.

I had the black garlic Swiss cheeseburger. It was very good and the waffle fries were cooked to perfection.  Excuse the silly face.

We had some time to relax and talk, play baseball and watch baseball. Wish we had more times like that but the older she gets school events and friends take priority over dear old dad but I understand, having been here before with the older siblings.

We also went to The Ohio State spring game with one of our other daughters, Kayhla, and her husband Joey. It was a perfect day to watch some football and see how the new team should do this year. Go buckeyes.

Congratulate Kim if you will. She set a personal record for a marathon. Way to go Kim.

Here are some pics she took while she was there.

Time To Relocate (This Place So Full Of Hate)

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Time to relocate

This place so full of hate

Some say it’s a sneak attack

But the signs were there from way back

Those that can see are blind

Sitting idly by, wasting time

Don’t look down, walk the tightrope

Falling in despair, giving up hope

They say that can’t happen here

Wake up people, it’s your worst fear

This place is falling apart

It’s time for a jump start

This place so full of hate

It’s time to relocate

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Talk a big game but nothing getting done

Everyone looking out for number one

Be sure to get out your selfie stick

Smile now, smile now, click click click

Take a good long look at your eyes

Yes, take a look as you start to realize

Your smile, your smile is fake

Yeah, it’s time to relocate

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Shoot your gun, claim it’s self defense

It’s not too late to get on your knees and repent

Blame the world as you burn down your city

Can’t make a decision, hire another committee

Let the few decide for the rest of us

Final decision, nothing left to discuss

But I have a brain and I see how this world operates

This place full of hate, It’s time to relocate

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White against black against red against brown

I shake my head as I see what’s going down

Don’t change the channel, don’t let it make you numb

We can change the world if we learn to love as one

They say don’t discriminate as they discriminate

It’s crazy man, we so full of hate, time to relocate

Reach out, take my hand

It’s time United we stand

It’s not the color of our skin

It’s about what we believe within

Time to change the way we are

Forgive and erase those scars

Stitch up our hearts, move on from the past

Aren’t you tired of seeing the same old broadcast?

All this hate, that’s what I’m sick of

Time to open your heart to love

Let’s make this world a better place

Look in the mirror, do you like that face?

It’s about love, not hate

Let’s go, time to relocate

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My mind tells me this is so insane

You blame me, I blame you, we blame…

Around in circles on this merry go round

Same situation just a different town

Got a problem, throw money at it or just ignore

How long are we going to fight this losing war

We have bombs going off right in our back yard

Man, it really shouldn’t be this hard

It’s time we relocate

It’s time we end this hate

They scream to be silent but I still have a voice

To love is a choice. To love is a choice

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This World Is So F*d Up (Never Giving Up On It by Michael Franti –

I’ve Decided by 7eventh Time Down –

Love by Imagine Dragons –

Brother by The Brilliance-

Love Comes In All Colors by Youth For Christ –

Love Anyway by Tenth Avenue North –

Love Wins by Carrie Underwood-

Hey World ( Don’t Give Up ) by Michael Franti –