Finding My Way

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I am only a stream

So small, so it seems

But God has big plans for me

Even when the rains slow

And my water has no flow

God knows where I will go

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One day I will find my way to the river

God promises me and I know he will deliver

For my plans are small, but his are much bigger

Out of my banks sometimes I stray

As I grow and learn to make my way

But I will leave that river one day

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Finding my way among all the debris

And flow into the great big sea

God’s voice still calling me

Could be future far or future near

At times I am full of fear

My water not so clear

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The rain is only a drizzle and I slow to a dribble

Between the past and future, stuck in the middle

As long as I follow His ways I can still make a ripple

Because I know God has big plans for me

I am learning but still so small, or so it seems

The sea awaits, but for now I am only a stream

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Rescue Story by Zach Williams –

Choices by JJ Weeks –

Unstoppable God by Sanctus Real –

God’s Not Done With You by Tauren Wells –

You’ll Find Your Way by Andrew Peterson –

 

 

Eighteen Years Ago Today 9/11

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This morning, I took the subway to Coney Island. It was always your favorite place. The noises, the laughter and the screams. You always said the smells brought you back to your childhood. I looked out over the water as the sun was rising. My whole world shattered on this day eighteen years ago and all I could do now was take a deep breath, hold it for as long as I could and slowly exhale.

Eighteen years ago today. Sometimes it seems just like yesterday, other times it seems like a lifetime ago. What I wouldn’t give to have you back, to go back in time and keep you from going to work that day. How much different would my life, our life had been? Would it have changed that much? Life went on without you, even though I still don’t know if mine has completely.

Our kids are grown now. Eighteen years of memories, smiles and tears. I am a grandpa now, which means you would’ve been the best grandma. Sometimes when I hold her I can see you sitting in your old chair smiling. I can see you holding her like you held our daughter. You were the best mom. The best wife.

Eighteen years and we have survived, even if we are not whole since a piece of us is missing. Eighteen years of wishes and prayers that will never come true.

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I think you would be really disappointed with our world now. Eighteen years later and the terrorists still hate America, maybe even more now. Eighteen years and we are still fighting the same war and I don’t even know what we are fighting for anymore. It seems hopeless. This world is a mess. Hate is rampant. Mass shootings every day it seems like. All those lives lost for nothing. It seems like most people have grown numb to it all and have given up hope.

Sometimes I wonder if God has abandoned us. Sometimes I wonder why he doesn’t do something. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t do something. I know you would’ve done something. You always saw the best in everyone and everything.

Most of those times I will find comfort and hope in your old Bible that still sits on the table on your side of the bed. The answers are there in your favorite highlighted passages.

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In a way I am happy for you that you aren’t here to see all this. But maybe if you were here you would be the one that would change it all. I know there is good out there. I know there are still good people in this world. We just need more of them to step up and do something. Change this world you so loved.

Anyway, most days I am good. Some days the wind will blow and caress my cheek and I feel like you are still here with me and I can’t help but smile. Other days, like today and even after all these years, I can’t stop crying and I have to stop and pick up the broken pieces of my heart and push on.

I can see you giving me that look now. I know, I know. You wouldn’t want me to be sad, but even a warrior has his moments when he isn’t so tough. But like a warrior, I will fight on another day.

So today, eighteen years after you left us, I still will not say goodbye. I will never say goodbye. How can I when, like on that day and all days when you left for work, I can still see you smiling at me, giving me a wink and saying love you hon, see ya later.

So babe, I love you just as much today as I did the first day we met and I will see ya later.

If you want to cry, listen to this first song, I tear up every single time I hear it. And it is a good story of how a child grows up without her dad she lost in 9/11

I Miss You Daddy-

The Ones That Didn’t Make It Back Home by Justin Moore –

If I Had Only Known by Reba McEntire-

Jersey On The Wall ( I’m Just Asking)  by  Tenille Townes-

Why God by Austin French –

Miss You All The Time by O.A.R. –

 

 

Gave You My Heart

 

I have posted this a couple times before.

I came home from work Friday night and Kim told me Deanna, one of her best friends and mentor, told her about a vision her daughter had. Her daughter just finished her freshman year of college and truly lives for Jesus.  Deanna said maybe Rob can turn her vision into a poem or a song. I took Kylie up to get her shower ready and sat down and this is what came out.

It is truly an inspiring vision and I hope my words do it justice.

Gave You My Heart

I gave you my heart and you walked away

You’re my dad, you were supposed to stay

I couldn’t keep it all together today

I grabbed what was left of my heart and walked to the beach

Walked far enough until your memory was out of reach

I screamed at you dad until I was too hoarse to speak

Then I saw a piece of sea glass so bright

It had such a mysterious light

It was like a piece of day in the darkest night

I bent down and dug with my free hand

There had to be more pieces under the sand

That’s when I felt the presence of another man

It was like a dream as my other hand held my heart

The one that you, dad, had ripped apart

Then I had a thought, this isn’t the end but a brand new start

I felt this man telling me to turn in his direction

But I couldn’t so I grabbed my sea glass collection

And I tried to hold a piece just right to see his reflection

I couldn’t turn around, I knew what he wanted me to do

I couldn’t give him my heart dad, I had given it to you

And I was scared he would walk away with it too

Then his hand touched my shoulder

My courage grew just a little bit bolder

My tears started to flow as I began to molder

I turned and as he reached for me I saw the scars on his hand

He looked at me and I knew he wasn’t just a man

That’s when I dropped my sea glass in the sand

I let him hold me for what seemed like an hour

I could feel his gentleness, as well as his power

I felt his love pour down on me like a summer shower

I whispered, “If I give you me heart will you walk away?”

He said “I’m your father. I’ve never left, I will always stay.”

I knew he was telling the truth so I gave my heart to him that day

(image credit: Kevin Carden Photography)

Busted Heart ( Hold On To Me) by For King and Country – 

Let Down Your Guard by JJ Heller – 

Every Beat Of My Broken Heart by Hawk Nelson – 

Take  A Broken Heart by V Rose – 

I Let My Heart Open by Charles Billinsgley –  

 

Here’s My Heart by Lauren Daigle – 

Friend Of A Wounded Heart by Point of Grace-  

Spend One Night In Heaven

Dear God…

Hey God, I was wondering, kind of thinking

There’s a lot of people I’ve been missing

So I was wondering, kind of thinking, kind of praying

If I could have a sleepover, not that I’d be staying

I know I haven’t done anything for you to honor such a request

With all the wrong I’ve done, you have to be wondering what’s next

But, it’s just that I haven’t been myself

So know that this request is truly heartfelt

Maybe the thought will entertain you

Maybe you will see it the way I do

I know it is unrealistic, even highly unlikely

But I feel like I’m missing several parts of me

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So maybe if you will honor this one request

Maybe I’ll find the good side of me  I haven’t met

If I could spend one night in heaven

I would cherish every second given

I’d visit my grandparents and my dad

Thankful for every minute I would have

And then I would go visit all the ones

Who helped me be the man I’ve become

Maybe one more time I could love on my pets

And say some long overdue thanks to our vets

If I could have a sleepover, maybe I could say one last goodbye

If I could have a sleepover, maybe all the tears will dry

If I could say just one last farewell

If I love you, one more time I could tell

Then maybe my smile wouldn’t be pretend

Then maybe I could start living again

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So, what do you say God, can I have just one more night?

One more night to try to make all my regrets right

So, what do you say God, can I come to the promised land?

One more night to hold their hand

One more night to hear their voices

One more night to right some bad choices

One more night to listen to their stories

I promise I’ll listen and not be in a hurry

I won’t cause you any problems or disrupt what you do

God, I really, just one more time, want to tell them I love you

So, God, I will leave it all in your hands

And if you say no I will try to understand

But, God, wouldn’t it be such a blessin’

If I could spend one night in Heaven

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What I Wouldn’t Give by We The Kings –

Drowning by Chris Young-

Five More Minutes by Scotty McCreery –

Even Though I’m Leaving by Luke Combs –

Other Side by Colton Dixon-

Covered In Chaos by Billy Lockington –

Finding My Shadow

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I was a happy child. I was always smiling, always laughing. I was healthy. I ate good and exercised. I had a few close friends.

However, my best friend was my shadow. He went with me everywhere I went. He played the same games I played. He liked the same animals I liked. We were inseparable. Even when I went to bed at night, he was tucked in right beside me. When the lights went out, I would not worry because I knew he would be there in the morning when I woke up.

We would then start the day again. My shadow always right beside me. I would laugh and smile. We would eat together, play together, and at night we would sleep together. Through the years that would never change.

Until one morning I woke up and it did change. My shadow was gone.

I looked for him everywhere. In the glow of the kitchen light at breakfast, outside at the brightest time of day, and at night with my bedside lamp, but he was nowhere to be found.

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I became dark. My smile went away. I no longer laughed. I no longer wanted to play or talk to anyone, even my parents. I wanted to stay in my room all day and all night.

I wasn’t happy. Why would my shadow leave me? There was no explanation that I could find. I woke up one morning and everything had changed. I tried to snap out of it but couldn’t. My parents tried. Nothing worked.

I even quit looking for my shadow.

I lashed out at everyone. Just leave me alone. The darkness would not go away. I hated the person I had become. I felt like a prisoner, trapped in my own mind. I thought things I could not believe I was thinking. I felt like hurting myself, hurting others. I quit doing my schoolwork and I was getting into trouble at school.

Then one day, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw my shadow. It was only a glimpse, a split second, and I could’ve been wrong, but a hope came over me. A hope I clinged to. And as I started to hope, the darkness started to leave me. And as the darkness started to leave me, I started seeing my shadow everywhere.

And as I started seeing my shadow everywhere, I started finding me everywhere.

The darkness did not win. I could smile again. I was me again.

I know not everyone can find their shadow, if you need someone to talk to reach out to

Depression – 855-403-7229  ,

Text CONNECT to 741741

Suicide – 1-800-273-8255    https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

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Dodging Raindrops by 311-

I Miss Those Days by NF-

Fell From The Moon by 3 Doors Down –

Someone To Talk To by Tenth Avenue North-

Love Is Stronger by Matt Kennon –

I Smile by Lotte Sollie  –

Don’t Worry by 311-

Call On Me by Starley –

Carry On by Young Rising Sons-

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Love Not Hate: Love On Trial

So I posted this at 1030 this morning, and then I posted it to Facebook.  Now it is no longer on WordPress and it can not be found on Facebook.  I think the forces are out for people not to read this one.

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As with humans, the birds keep repeating history instead of learning from it. Catch up on their history with the links below.

Love, Not Hate: Part 1

Love, Not Hate: Part Two

Love, Not Hate: Christmas Eve

Love, Not Hate: A New Chapter

Love, Not Hate: A New World

Love, Not Hate: The Division

Love, Not Hate: The Reconciliation

Love, Not Hate: Tragedy At Mandalay Bay

Love, Not Hate: Continue To Love

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Some of the birds were in pain

Some of the birds cried in the rain

Another shooting, another tragedy

An opioid epidemic to escape reality

Nothing in their world was making sense

Every bird suspicious and on defense

One question asked by the birds of prey and the birds of love

Where is the eagle? Why has he abandoned us?

All of you were born with a heart to love

The cardinal, blue jay, vulture, warbler, the dove

But love has gone away over the last few years

While anxiety has increased, and with that fears

What can we do? The birds ask as depression looms large

Darkness has overcome the land as it seems no one is in charge

Then out of nowhere the eagle lands

Only to be taken into the trial to take his stand

“Where have you been?” the birds proclaim

On vacation or don’t care,” his reputation they try to defame

They all throw words of hate at him, both birds large and small

The birds all say you said would love and stay and defend us all

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Then the eagle looks at the birds scattered around, clears his throat and boldly speaks

“Your schools, your courts, your homes and some of your churches, you asked me to leave

I say love all and teach acceptance

But you preach intolerance

While the poor become poorer and the rich become more prosperous

Have I ever said not to help the least of us?

I ask you to lend a hand, to help each other out

But you scream hate and racist remarks you shout

I ask you to pick a brother up when he is down

But you use your beaks and claws to stomp him in the ground

I ask you to protect each other with your lives

But you kill each other with words as sharp as knives

I ask you not to store possessions but to give to those in need

But instead of sharing most of you would rather bleed

I give each of you a light inside yourselves to change all of our kind

But each of you denies that light, instead, acting as if you are blind

You ask where have I been? I say I have never left

I will even go so far as to say you have never been more blessed

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But what have you done with all these blessings

That’s a good question, many of you will be left guessing

But some of you will recognize the truth

I have given it all to the elders to teach all the youth

Parkland, Las Vegas, El Paso, Dayton. When will it stop?

I tell you when you love and all this hate you drop

You place me here on trial

But you, my friends, are in denial

I was there when the bullets took your loved ones away

I was there when you cried those tears of pain

I was there when the questions came

I was there when it was I who you blamed

I was there even though you have asked me to leave

I was there in your moments of joy and your moments of grief

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I was there in the deaths of the battlefields

I was there, protecting you with my shield

I was there when it didn’t rain in your barren lands

I was there when food was bountiful in your hands

I was there in every misfortune and every blessing

I was there when your tongues cursed me and when they were professing

I was there in those moments you felt uninspired

Yes, I was there when those shots were fired

Now I have answered your question on where was I

And I have said that hate is the answer to the question why

But I leave you with this when you wonder if I am here at all

Where is the love? Where are you all birds big and small?

Where is the compassion, empathy, and kindness? Listen to what I say

Fight for love, do not let the land be taken over by the birds of prey!”

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Why God by Austin French-

Where Is God by Michael Farren –

Questions by Tori Kelley-

Parkland by Duff McKagan-

Common by Maren Morris-

What If by India Arie –

Change by Mavis Staples-

1000 Promises by Building 429 –

 

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I Thought He Would Live Forever ( Part 1)

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Little Culver, Colorado.  That’s where I am from. It’s a Mayberry type of town, one main street, two lights, the old school that was there before they built the new one in Big Culver, that’s now a bed and breakfast, a small cafe that my parents own and one gas station.  We are exactly a half mile from Big Culver, which is exactly one mile high from the rest of the world.   We are approximately one hour and twenty minutes from Denver.  At least we are now, but we weren’t always.  It used to take almost four hours until in 1970, the year I was born, Culver Pass Tunnel was made.  They blew up part of the mountain and made a tunnel that was a smidge over a quarter mile long.  By doing that, the trip to Denver became a lot less time-consuming.

We are on the west side of Culver Peak.  The first major peak as you enter the Rocky Mountains from the plains.  If you go east from Little Culver and go up the mountain to Big Culver, you will find the best world-class ski resort in Colorado. I believe that is why they made Culver Pass Tunnel. No one is going to drive four hours from Denver to get to it when they have so many other options. But now, book your reservations early because, during ski season, there will be no rooms available. If you go up the rest of the mountain east of Big Culver and cross over the peak, you would swear you could see Ohio.  My dad once told me when he and mom were missing me, they would go up there and pretend Ohio wasn’t so far away. Once you get down from Culver Peak, it is almost all flat lands as far as you can see.

I moved away when I was eighteen to go to college to go to The Ohio State University. I am now forty-eight years old and this will be my fifth time back in the last thirty years.  Life gets busy, school, job, wife, children, finances, etc.  I can make a million excuses but if I really wanted to go back, I could have found a way.

Why do I find a need to write all this down and tell you? I don’t know. I think I am trying to get my mind right, get my thoughts out. I’m on Southwest Airlines flight 447 from Columbus, Ohio, where I currently reside with my wife and four daughters, to Denver Colorado. I stare out the window, thirty-five thousand feet above the ground but my mind is a million miles from this world. 

Last night I got the call from my mom, dad had passed.

The only thing I could think to say was I thought he would live forever.

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In about five minutes, what I am writing now will be in the future as we cross the central time zone.  Another hour from that and the rest of what I write will be in the future as I keep losing time.  I wish life was like that and I could go back a few hours, a few days, a few months to see my dad one more time but time, and life, doesn’t work like that.

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My dad is, was a truck driver. Mostly he would drive from Denver to Kansas City and back. Sometimes he would go from Denver to Salt Lake City Utah.  Usually out and backs so he was home often. My mom is the best cook in the world. She owns the Little Culver Diner.  It seemed like almost everyone from Big Culver would come down the mountain to order my mom’s famous home-cooked meals.  On days when my dad was gone, I would help mom set up the diner in the mornings, she would make me a ham and cheese omelet and then I would catch the bus up to Big Culver to go to school. After school, the bus would take me back home and I would help mom out in the diner as well. I believe I am a fine cook myself but I do not compare to my mom. On days when my dad was home, he was an avid runner. He said it helped clear his mind and free his soul.

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I remember the first time he let me go down from Little Culver to the Culver Pass Tunnel. I was ten years old and my dad let me ride my bike with him. For a ten-year-old to look down a half mile road that was all downhill and curves, it was quite intimidating. I rode the brakes all the way down, I think I used all the rubber off the brakes that day. My dad was patient with me. We finally arrived at the pass and it was scary as well. Imagine a quarter mile tunnel that had very few lights. Parts of it, I could not see my dad ten feet in front of me.  He wanted me to ride in front so he could watch me but I was having no part of that. After we appeared on the other side of the tunnel, I was awestruck from the view.  Amazingly, the road was mostly flat but to either side of us, it looked like you could fall off the face of the earth. We would go anywhere from one and a half miles to three and a half miles before we would turn around and head back home. I had to walk my bike up the half mile back home.

One last view of the city below

As I grew and got older, I started to run with him. I ran on days when he wasn’t home so I could get stronger and faster and he wouldn’t have to slow down and wait on me. There were days when he wanted to run by himself and I was heartbroken.  I didn’t understand the need for him to be alone. Of course, now that I am older and a parent, I totally understand. Days when I run are the only time of the day I am alone with just me and my thoughts.  Running is my sanity.  Looking back,  I am actually surprised he let me go with him as much as he did. Being stuck in a truck all day, that was his time and he let me share that with him. That’s the kind of man he is, was. 

It’s hard to think of him in the past tense.

After all, I thought he would live forever.

To be continued….

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Dad by Tyler Wood –

Dad’s Old Number by Cole Swindell-

Hey Dad by Matt Stilwell –

Heaven Bound Balloons by Granger Smith-

Killing Me by Luke Sital-Singh-

Why God by Austin French-

Jealous Of The Angels by Katherine Jenkins-

If Only by Escape The Fate –

January 11th, 2017 by Mike Posner-