I did not know April was National Poetry Month. I just read that the other day. In honor of that, this week I will share three poems I wrote a long time ago. Twenty one years or so. The only reason I still have them is because they were published. Yes, I paid $30, I think it was, to buy the book and they, in return, published the poems. All three have to do with a dream I had when Kayhla’s mom was pregnant. Here is the first called A Mother’s Gift :
Many of us always seem to be too busy to spend time with our significant others. I know my wife and I are really bad about making times for ourselves. It is something we always talk about but seldom do. We get up early to work or work out, we go all day and Kylie goes to bed at 9:30 then we are right behind her, getting rest for the next early morning. However, I know there is time if we make it. What about you? Do you make the time? 30 minutes, an hour, if that’s all you have make them count.
If It’s Only An Hour
If it’s only an hour
To help our love flower
Then I will take the time
To keep our love alive
If it’s only sixty minutes
Then I will buy the tickets
We will dance to each song
We will keep this love strong
If it’s only three thousand six hundred seconds
In each and every one I will be present
We will laugh and talk
We will hold hands as we walk
If it’s only sixty minutes
This my dear, you can believe it
I will reconnect with you
I will do everything I can do
If it’s only an hour
I will do all that’s in my power
To show you what our love means to me
To show you, show you what I see
Until God gives us another hour
Sway Blue October –
Disconnected by 5 Seconds of Summer –
Together by Steven Curtis Chapman –
Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars –
I’m Yours by Jason Mraz –
Love Like Crazy by Lee Brice –
When The Crazy Kicks In by Francesca Battestelli –
Three new musician followers this week. Please take a listen and find some new music to listen to. Please feel free to share/purchase the song I wrote with Lily Messer and Ceylon Wise. I have many more songs I would like to get out there but can not financially afford to record them. If interested in teaming up together, feel free to contact me.
Young by The Wright Brothers –
Moonlight by Unclemad (Christian Proietti) –
So Lie To Me by Like Lifting Wales –
Thanks for all the follows, musicians and non-musicians.
Some other music from non-followers I have listened to recently.
All Alone With Something To Say by Bonnie Raitt –
Among Other Foolish Things by Brian Fallon –
For A Moment by Elevation Worship –
Crazy As Me by Granger Smith –
Face To Face by Hillsong Young Free –
He Gave Me More Love by Jody McBrayer –
Godawful Things by Lake Street Drive –
Blame It On Me by Last In Line –
Heaven By Tonight by Matt Baird –
Carry Me by Matt Baird –
Directions by Micah Tyler –
Family Of God by Newsboys –
Hard Day Coming Down by The Record Company –
Do You Remember by St. Lucia –
Amen by Steven Curtis Chapman –
The Colors That Never Ran by Tammy Jones Robinette –
Foothills by Violent Femmes –
Best Of A Bad Situation by Wolfmother –
Believe It by 3 Doors Down –
and our song:
I Question You by Lily Messer –
On Itunes : https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-question-you-single/id1018588943
She was born into a home that didn’t want her. She was neglected and mistreated. She was told she wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t wanted. One day they proved that to be true and they gave her away. Through it all she smiled.
She was adopted a short time later by parents that wanted her. Parents that loved her. She had nightmares. She was comforted by her new parents. She was told how much she was loved. She was taught about God. She was told how much she was wanted. Through it all she smiled.
As she continued to grow and get older people would ask what is wrong with her. How can she always be smiling? She must be hiding something. She would tell them all is good, nothing to hide. She just loves life and is so happy to be here. They would tease her but through it all she smiled.
She met a guy. She fell head over heels. Everything in her life was perfect. Until it wasn’t. He started to yell at her all the time. He started to abuse her. She tried to leave but he would convince her to stay. She would believe him when he said he would change. Slowly her smile started to fade.
She became pregnant. He didn’t change. She knew she had to leave him, not only for her but for the baby. She could remember how her biological parents treated her. She didn’t want her baby growing up the same. She moved back to her adopted parents, her real parents. Slowly her smile came back.
She read her bible and raised her little girl on her own. She knew who she was and why she was here. She taught her little girl about God. She was told she was loved and wanted. She told her about her dad and about her Father in Heaven. It wasn’t always easy but through it all, they smiled.
On her last day here she thanked God for everything in her life. The good and the bad. She thanked Him for giving her a thankful heart. For giving her a smile through everything attitude. For giving her life lessons to teach her daughter. For giving her parents that didn’t want her, and for giving her parents that did. For giving her a home to grow up in that taught her about Him. She thanked Him for helping her forgive, her parents and her ex- husband. She took her last few breaths and as she left this world she smiled.
Think of these songs as a soundtrack to the reading.
Alyssa Lies by Jason Michael Carroll –
When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman –
Orphan by John Waller –
Everything To Me by Mark Schultz –
You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile by Sia –
We were living in a two bedroom apartment at the time. We were starting to look at houses in Westerville but we were really just undecided on where to go. Plus it was a large “luxury” two bedroom and the girls had their own bathroom. We made it work.
Then Kim told me she was pregnant. We had talked about it but we weren’t exactly ready. At least I didn’t think so. I guess neither did God because we miscarried.
A short time later we were pregnant again. Again we miscarried. It hit Kim more than it did me. Both times were less than six weeks but they were lives being started in there.
All in God’s time. We found a house. We did all the moving ourselves. We packed up an apartment and a storage unit, unloaded, and had it all unpacked and set up in the house all in one day. One long day. We could not have done that if the first two pregnancies took. And lo and behold, right after we moved in we found out Kim was pregnant with Kylie.
That’s the background and I don’t know why almost eleven years later the two miscarriages have been on my mind. Were they boys or girls? What would they look like now? What kind of personality would they have had? What would they be like now? Is Kylie a combination of those two? Will we see those two in Heaven when our time comes? What was God’s plan ? Was it all for us to be able to get a house and be able to move? Was it for me to talk about eleven years later? Maybe help someone else?
I don’t know. All I know is that for some reason they have been weighing on my heart and my mind the last few weeks.
God has a plan. Sometimes that doesn’t help to hear when you are going through a loss but you will get through it. Whatever your loss may be. Loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a pet you will get through it. The memories will be there and some days will be hard. You will have good days also. You will have days when you will have a memory and cry. You will have days where you will have a memory and smile. You will never forget. Hang in there and let God walk you through it.
Lucy by Skillet – yes I know this song is about abortion but it touches me every time I hear it.
I took last week off from posting because we were on vacation in Florida. We drove like we always do and that gave me time for thinking.
I was thinking I would try to do one new post last week and reblog some of my older ones but the wifi didn’t work that well. It was hit and miss for some reason and I didn’t want to spend hours waiting for it to work. Maybe that was God just telling me to relax and not worry about posting.
I was thinking I was going to run every day. I remember when I was younger I would wait until the middle of the day to run in the summer time. I liked running in the heat. I ran 3 the first day, 5 the second day then missed the next two days. Planned on running 10 miles but cut it short at 7. It was too hot and humid, 73 and 90% humidity average every day, at 7:30 in the morning. The old me would’ve toughed out the 10 but the wiser, older me said call it and live for another day. Being in the sun all day and that 7 mile run I think beat me so I missed one more day. Then I put mind over matter and did 5, 5, 3 three days in a row. Got used to the heat and humidity. Overall, I guess 6 out of 9 mornings wasn’t bad.
I was thinking on the drive back how much it costs taxpayers for states to put up mile marker signs every tenth of a mile. It used to be one every mile marker then they had to add one for every tenth, why? Sure, if you are broke down you can give a more exact location but I think they could find you if you said I am between mile marker 3 and 4.
I was thinking who would want to live in Atlanta? I’m sure it has a lot of positives but traffic is a nightmare. Yes, call me a fool for driving through instead of around. This is at 10 pm.
I was thinking I am getting too old to be driving straight through to Florida. 17-18 hours straight. My wife helps out some but by the time I get tired it’s one in the morning and I feel bad asking her to drive at that hour. I worry about drunk drivers and her falling asleep so I try to tough it out. Let me tell you what helps, Arbonne energy fizz. Two or three of them and I am awake. My wife is an Arbonne distributor if you want more info.
I was thinking at two in the morning I need to find a way to get all my thoughts and ideas down. I can’t talk into a recorder and wake every one else up. Anyone have ideas on something that can read your thoughts and put them down in writing?
I was thinking one of the best chorus I have heard is NF’s Mansion song.
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I’m trapped in
And it’s lonely inside this mansion
How many of us are chasing perfection, but have broken legs and will never get to perfection.
And then parts of two verses really speak to me :
Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain
See my problem is I don’t fix things
I just try to repaint, cover em up, like it never happen
Say I wish I could change. Are you confused?
Come upstairs and I’ll show you what I mean
This room’s full of regrets, just keeps getting fuller it seems
The moment I walk in to it is the same moment that I wanna leave
I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things
But it’s hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep
So this part of my house, no one’s been in it for years
I built the safe room and I don’t let no one in there
Cause if I do, there’s a chance
That they might disappear and not come back
And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside
So I just leave my doors locked
You might get other doors to open up but this doors not
Cause I don’t want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I’ll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I’m barricaded inside
So stop watching
I’m not coming to the door
So stop knocking, stop knocking
I’m trapped here
God keep saying I’m not locked in
I chose this
I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shutting the world out ain’t solving the problem
But I didn’t build this house because I thought it would solve ’em
I built it because I thought that it would be safer in there
But it’s not, I’m not the only thing that’s living in here
Fear came to my house years ago I let ’em in
Maybe that’s the problem
Cause I’ve been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it’s obvious he never did
He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I’m in the position it’s either sit here and let him win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
Cause in order to do that I’d have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking?
I don’t know anymore
Yes I am partial to it because it reminds me of what’s in my head. Also looking forward to his new cd coming out, Therapy Session. Sounds like it will speak to me.
I was thinking how we are all like sand on the beach. Some of us get blown about by the wind and water, always trying to find where they belong and who they are. Find God, you will find who you are. Some of us are always getting in other people’s shorts, irritating and leaving some marks. Most of us are all in this together, there for everyone to enjoy and to spread the love of who God made us to be to everyone who we come in contact with.
I was thinking how great is God. The sunsets and sunrises. His forgiveness. His grace. The gifts He gives all of us to further His kingdom. How some of us are like Jonah and try to run away, others are like Peter and deny our savior to save ourselves. How some of us are like Judas and betray Jesus. How some of us are like Noah and just say yes God, whatever you want. The most amazing thing is how He loves us all the same and gives us all the same forgiveness.
I was thinking I could post a lot more if I didn’t put music to each one but then that’s part of why I started so…
Mansion by NF –
Did You Really Think by Wess Morgan –
Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Lee Brice –
Rest Stop by Matchbox Twenty –
Don’t Think I Don’t Think About It by Darius Rucker –
No new musician followers this week. Please feel free to share/purchase the song I wrote with Lily Messer and Ceylon Wise. I have many more songs I would like to get out there but can not financially afford to record them. If interested in teaming up together, feel free to contact me.
Thanks for all the follows, musicians and non-musicians.
Some other music from non-followers and followers I have listened to this week.
Modern Love by The Coasts –
Tambourine by Elton John –
When I’m Gone by Joey & Rory –
Stay Close , Let Go by Manafest –
Take Me Back Trusted by Meredith Andrews –
Vertigo by Phases –
Old Moon New by Randy Rogers Band –
Pay It Forward by Rick Springfield –
Never Ending by Rihanna –
Oh My Love by The Score –
Suburbia by Troy Sivan –
Reasons For The Tears I Cry Made by Vince Gill –
The Train by Macklemore and Lewis –
Used To by Mutemath –
White Horse by Kevin Max –
and our song:
I Question You by Lily Messer –
On Itunes : https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-question-you-single/id1018588943
Are you hearing my prayers? I have been praying the same prayer for as long as I can remember but my prayer isn’t being answered. Is there another way I can reach you? Can I send an email, text, tweet, Facebook message, any other way? Can You at least send me a message received? Should I keep praying or should I move on to another prayer? Do You get tired of hearing the same prayer every day?
Am I asking for too much? Am I asking with little faith? I don’t think so. Is my heart sincere? I think so. You say ask and it will be given to me. I believe in You and believe You will answer my prayer request. I just want to make sure You are getting it. I know you probably get more prayer requests each day than there are grains of sand so I could understand if one or two get missed. I’m not saying you miss any or anything, just saying I understand if You did. How do you keep track of all of them anyway? Health requests go in one file, relationships in another, financials in another or are they grouped by person or country?
Back to my prayer, sorry I got sidetracked. I seem to do that when I pray also. Can you figure out what I am asking when I start then go elsewhere then come back to you ten minutes later right where I left off? Sorry but my mind is constantly going, thought in, thought out, start, stop, start, where was I? Oh yeah, as you know I have been praying for people I know to get their health back, to even get partial health back. I am sure to be 80% would be a lot better than where they are now. It seems like some of them are getting worse. Or they get better only to relapse. Some of them have a much stronger faith than I do and I know they are praying to get better also. It is okay to pray for themselves right? I know I pray for me. Fix my mind God. Are their prayers stuck in your inbox also? Have you checked your spam folder? I know there are many people out there that pray for bad things or things they shouldn’t be praying for so maybe they go straight to spam so you don’t have to even acknowledge them. Maybe some honest prayers get stuck there also.
I don’t know God. I am just throwing ideas out there why my prayers aren’t getting answered. How about just send me a sign that you received it and will get to it when you can get to it? I know maybe my prayer requests are probably far down on your list. Look at all the evil in the world. The people starving. The homeless. The lonely. The deathly sick. The enslaved. The persecuted. I pray for them also and honestly, I know answers to my prayers can wait so You can take care of all those worse off than me. Those with more urgent requests. Please take care of those first. I totally understand.
Just in case you have missed them here is what I pray for. I pray for my wife and daughters, God. I just pray that they walk with You in this life. I pray for my friends and family to get their health back and to trust in You. I pray for my church to follow You, the truth. I pray for my job to stay secure. I pray You heal my mind and help me resist temptation. I thank You for giving me another day to rely on You. As You know that is the super condensed, none rambling version. Whenever You can get to them. I will try to be patient while You take care of the ones that need Your help more than I do.
I have noticed as I get older my prayers have changed. Those things I prayed for in my youth, I am glad You didn’t answer a lot of those prayers. I could only imagine what kind of mess I would be in now if You had. I have learned to be a lot more patient than in my youth. I can only imagine where all the people I prayed bad things to happen to would be if You answered them. I am glad You ignored them. I am glad You handled those situations in Your way and not my way. Even if Your way was just to give them grace and mercy. I am glad You didn’t answer people’s prayers about me either, extending me that same grace and mercy.
I also just want to say thank you God for answering prayers I didn’t ask for. Giving me what I didn’t know I wanted or needed. I also want to thank you for answering my prayer to use me a few years ago. It was not the way I wanted You to use me but it has made me a stronger person. It also helped my wife be closer to You.
Thanks for taking the time to listen. More prayers coming your way. I will trust in You and wait for your answers, even if your answer is an unanswered prayer. You know what is best for me.
As I was getting my thoughts together to write this and I asked myself this question. Was I ever really broken? Sure, I have a few dents in my fender and some scratches in my paint but was I broken. I think I have felt like I was, many times. Is there a difference between being knocked down and being broken? Is it all just a matter of how you think about it?
This is how, and why, I think I am broken. Or at least why I have broken pieces.
I am broken because I have no close friends. I take all responsibility for this because I don’t reach out to anyone. I don’t reach out to my family enough so don’t take it personal. Sometimes I envy people that have a lot of friends but then I hear them complain how they are always having something to do and never have time to relax. Then I say I don’t know how anyone has time. Maybe I am selfish and just want my time to be my time. I would rather spend my days and nights off with myself or my family. I find it hard to stay in touch with people on Facebook let alone take the time to do something with them. But, with that being said, I also miss having a couple close friends I could talk to about anything. I know I have to take the time to invest in that and I don’t have the answers on how to do that without giving up something else. Maybe it comes down to my lack of trust. Maybe I am just not that interesting of a person for others to take their time to get to know me.
I am broken because my marriage isn’t where I want it to be. Well, whose is right? We all wish we had a better marriage. Again, this falls mostly on me. I am not a talker. I will give all the time I can but I am just not an open book. Too many thoughts bouncing around in my head. Trust issues from the past. Every time I think of doing something to make our marriage better I get sucked into what’s the point. We can talk about the issues and it gets better for a few then we find us back where we were. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and don’t want to be anywhere else and our marriage is good, it’s just not where I think it should be. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I don’t give enough. Maybe I think it’s more about me than her. A lot of maybes but how can I get from here to there. I know what to do, what’s holding me back?
I am broken because I am not emotional. Miss the game winning shot, make the game winning shot, I have the same emotions. At times I think if everyone close to me were taken out of my life that I would feel nothing. Life goes on. Would I really feel that way if it happened? Beats me. At times I think I could live on a deserted island with just me and some fruit trees and I would be okay. Oh yeah, don’t forget to give me a volleyball so I have someone to talk to when I get tired of talking to myself. But that’s not really a problem because I don’t talk. I doubt I would talk to the volleyball.
I am broken because I don’t keep in touch with my family. Yeah I know, life is short and it can be ripped away and say what you have to say today because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed but…. I don’t call home to talk to mom enough. I barely have any contact with my brother. I should reach out to my daughters who are not at home anymore more. Yep, these are on me also.
So am I broken? I know what is wrong. 99% of it is all me so maybe I am not broken. How many people are out there that don’t know they are the problem. How many people are out there that are searching for who they are. I know who I am . I have come to understand who I am and where I want to be. I just have to take the steps to fix me. I would say maybe I am not broken, maybe I just have broken pieces.
They say I am made in God’s image. God must be messed up. Even God disappeared for many years. People were constantly asking God where are you? Maybe He is an introvert also. Or just likes to get away by Himself and take a look at what He has made. Does He still think it is all good?
I know God isn’t messed up. I know He loves me and accepts me for who I am. I know I am made in His image. I know this world has made me the way I am. Not God. I know He will take my broken pieces and put them together. I know it takes effort on my part. God doesn’t make mistakes. I know where I am and where I need to go. With God’s help I will get there. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow but one day… one day it will all click. I am not sad or mad or any of that. I just know I have something that needs to be fixed.
I know I have family that loves me. I know I have friends that think about me and pray for me. I know God loves me. You can take me off your worry list. I will be okay. I know I have it a lot better than most. I know through the pain and the rain there will be a joy and the sun one day. I know things are never as bad as they seem. I know to put me back together again I just need to take one step at a time until all the broken pieces are fixed and I am not broken anymore. I have broken pieces but I am not broken. I am whole in the hands of the one who made me.
I took last week off from posting because we were on vacation in Florida. We drove like we always do and that gave me time for thinking.
My God, My Music, My Life 