As I was getting my thoughts together to write this and I asked myself this question. Was I ever really broken? Sure, I have a few dents in my fender and some scratches in my paint but was I broken. I think I have felt like I was, many times. Is there a difference between being knocked down and being broken? Is it all just a matter of how you think about it?
This is how, and why, I think I am broken. Or at least why I have broken pieces.
I am broken because I have no close friends. I take all responsibility for this because I don’t reach out to anyone. I don’t reach out to my family enough so don’t take it personal. Sometimes I envy people that have a lot of friends but then I hear them complain how they are always having something to do and never have time to relax. Then I say I don’t know how anyone has time. Maybe I am selfish and just want my time to be my time. I would rather spend my days and nights off with myself or my family. I find it hard to stay in touch with people on Facebook let alone take the time to do something with them. But, with that being said, I also miss having a couple close friends I could talk to about anything. I know I have to take the time to invest in that and I don’t have the answers on how to do that without giving up something else. Maybe it comes down to my lack of trust. Maybe I am just not that interesting of a person for others to take their time to get to know me.
I am broken because my marriage isn’t where I want it to be. Well, whose is right? We all wish we had a better marriage. Again, this falls mostly on me. I am not a talker. I will give all the time I can but I am just not an open book. Too many thoughts bouncing around in my head. Trust issues from the past. Every time I think of doing something to make our marriage better I get sucked into what’s the point. We can talk about the issues and it gets better for a few then we find us back where we were. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and don’t want to be anywhere else and our marriage is good, it’s just not where I think it should be. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I don’t give enough. Maybe I think it’s more about me than her. A lot of maybes but how can I get from here to there. I know what to do, what’s holding me back?
I am broken because I am not emotional. Miss the game winning shot, make the game winning shot, I have the same emotions. At times I think if everyone close to me were taken out of my life that I would feel nothing. Life goes on. Would I really feel that way if it happened? Beats me. At times I think I could live on a deserted island with just me and some fruit trees and I would be okay. Oh yeah, don’t forget to give me a volleyball so I have someone to talk to when I get tired of talking to myself. But that’s not really a problem because I don’t talk. I doubt I would talk to the volleyball.
I am broken because I don’t keep in touch with my family. Yeah I know, life is short and it can be ripped away and say what you have to say today because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed but…. I don’t call home to talk to mom enough. I barely have any contact with my brother. I should reach out to my daughters who are not at home anymore more. Yep, these are on me also.
So am I broken? I know what is wrong. 99% of it is all me so maybe I am not broken. How many people are out there that don’t know they are the problem. How many people are out there that are searching for who they are. I know who I am . I have come to understand who I am and where I want to be. I just have to take the steps to fix me. I would say maybe I am not broken, maybe I just have broken pieces.
They say I am made in God’s image. God must be messed up. Even God disappeared for many years. People were constantly asking God where are you? Maybe He is an introvert also. Or just likes to get away by Himself and take a look at what He has made. Does He still think it is all good?
I know God isn’t messed up. I know He loves me and accepts me for who I am. I know I am made in His image. I know this world has made me the way I am. Not God. I know He will take my broken pieces and put them together. I know it takes effort on my part. God doesn’t make mistakes. I know where I am and where I need to go. With God’s help I will get there. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow but one day… one day it will all click. I am not sad or mad or any of that. I just know I have something that needs to be fixed.
I know I have family that loves me. I know I have friends that think about me and pray for me. I know God loves me. You can take me off your worry list. I will be okay. I know I have it a lot better than most. I know through the pain and the rain there will be a joy and the sun one day. I know things are never as bad as they seem. I know to put me back together again I just need to take one step at a time until all the broken pieces are fixed and I am not broken anymore. I have broken pieces but I am not broken. I am whole in the hands of the one who made me.
Not Broken Anymore by Blue October –
The Broken by 3 Doors Down –
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey-
Take Us Back by Mavis Staples –
Broken Places by Plumb –
Fix Me by Icon For Hire –
Scars by Jonny Diaz –
The Broken Beautiful by Ellie Holcomb –
Broken & Beautiful by Mark Schultz –
The Broken by Bebo Norman –
All The Broken Pieces by Matthew West –
We Are The Broken by Seventh Day Slumber –