Broken Pieces – My God, My Music, My Life

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I heard the doors open and shut. Another person walking into church late.

Seriously?

C’mon lady, the church is half empty and you come and sit right beside me. Hello? Have you not heard of personal space?

She gave me a weak smile, and I gave her one back. Not my first thought to do but we were in church.

A few minutes later tears started to stream down her face.

Oh no God, not today. I do not want to deal with this today. I just came to worship you, not talk to someone else.

Ask her if she is okay!

No God! I told you I did not want to do this today.

Reach out for her hand!

Are you serious? I will not do that. She will probably think I am hitting on her or something. From the way she is crying that is the last thing she needs.

That is what she needs. She needs a friend. She needs you.

God, in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t have any friends. I’m not exactly the kind of friend people want. I don’t have time for people in my life.

Offer her a tissue!

I don’t have one on me.

There are some in front of the church!

You want me to get up and walk to the front of the church, right in middle of the sermon?

Yes!

I exhaled softly. Maybe it was loudly.

“Excuse me, let me go get you a tissue.”

“Thank you but you don’t have to.”

If only. “Yes, I do. God is telling me to go get you a tissue.”

She looked at me weird. I could hear her thoughts. This guy is crazy, thinking God is talking to him.

I came back and gave her the tissue.

We listened to the rest of the sermon. At the end of the service I sat there, waiting for her to get up. She didn’t.

C’mon God. Seriously, I have so much to do today.

Nothing more important than my daughter!

I looked at her and could tell she had a lot on her mind. Tears started to flow again.

“Are you okay?” Duh. Of course she isn’t okay.

I reached out and touched her hand and she looked at me with such sadness.

She started to talk. Opening up more and more as the minutes past. Everyone else had left the church and it was just her and myself. Well, and God.

She talked about her mistakes and her pain. Tears would come and go. I listened and tried to lighten the mood when the opportunity arose. I tried to offer encouragement where I could. The more I listened, the more I realized she was a lot like me. I forgot about all I needed to get done and just sat there and listened.

That’s when I heard God tell me to look up. I did and that’s when I saw the light shining through the stained glass window. How had I never noticed the stained glass window before? Maybe I had and just let it slide to the back of my mind. If I had noticed it before, I do not remember it being so beautiful.

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That’s when I remembered something I had read about how stained glass windows were made.

I asked the woman to look up.

“Look at the stained glass window. See how beautiful it is. It’s beautiful, just like you. Just like me. In order for it to be made, it has to be broken. All the broken pieces are put together just so by its maker. You can’t see how all the broken pieces will turn out, just like you can’t see what next year or even what tomorrow will be. Then one day, presto. You see this beautiful, completed work of art. One day you and I will be a completed work of art. We just have to keep picking up the broken pieces and putting them together until we are complete.”

It was like a light went off behind her eyes.

She thanked me and got up and ran out of the church. I never even got her name.

She came back the next Sunday and we talked more and wouldn’t you know it, we became good friends. So good, in fact, that we are now married.

Our stained glass window is not complete. God is still putting more broken pieces together but I can see the picture. I can see how all the past mistakes, all the broken pieces are making a beautiful window. It would not look how it looks without all the broken pieces of glass. One day, our window will be complete and it will be more amazing than I could ever imagine.

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Stained Glass by Jon Guerra-

Broken Things by Matthew West-

O Come To The Altar by Elevation Worship –

Pieces by Rob Thomas –

Broken Places by Plumb-

As I was getting my thoughts together to write this and I asked myself this question. Was I ever really broken? Sure, I have a few dents in my fender and some scratches in my paint but was I broken. I think I have felt like I was, many times. Is there a difference between being knocked down and being broken? Is it all just a matter of how you think about it?

This is how, and why, I think I am broken. Or at least why I have broken pieces.

I am broken because I have no close friends. I take all responsibility for this because I don’t reach out to anyone. I don’t reach out to my family enough so don’t take it personal. Sometimes I envy people that have a lot of friends but then I hear them complain how they are always having something to do and never have time to relax. Then I say I don’t know how anyone has time. Maybe I am selfish and just want my time to be my time. I would rather spend my days and nights off with myself or my family. I find it hard to stay in touch with people on Facebook let alone take the time to do something with them. But, with that being said, I also miss having a couple close friends I could talk to about anything. I know I have to take the time to invest in that and I don’t have the answers on how to do that without giving up something else. Maybe it comes down to my lack of trust. Maybe I am just not that interesting of a person for others to take their time to get to know me.

I am broken because my marriage isn’t where I want it to be. Well, whose is right? We all wish we had a better marriage. Again, this falls mostly on me. I am not a talker. I will give all the time I can but I am just not an open book. Too many thoughts bouncing around in my head. Trust issues from the past. Every time I think of doing something to make our marriage better I get sucked into what’s the point. We can talk about the issues and it gets better for a few then we find us back where we were. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and don’t want to be anywhere else and our marriage is good, it’s just not where I think it should be. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I don’t give enough. Maybe I think it’s more about me than her. A lot of maybes but how can I get from here to there. I know what to do, what’s holding me back?

I am broken because I am not emotional. Miss the game winning shot, make the game winning shot, I have the same emotions. At times I think if everyone close to me were taken out of my life that I would feel nothing. Life goes on. Would I really feel that way if it happened? Beats me. At times I think I could live on a deserted island with just me and some fruit trees and I would be okay. Oh yeah, don’t forget to give me a volleyball so I have someone to talk to when I get tired of talking to myself. But that’s not really a problem because I don’t talk. I doubt I would talk to the volleyball.

I am broken because I don’t keep in touch with my family. Yeah I know, life is short and it can be ripped away and say what you have to say today because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed but…. I don’t call home to talk to mom enough. I barely have any contact with my brother. I should reach out to my daughters who are not at home anymore more. Yep, these are on me also.

So am I broken? I know what is wrong. 99% of it is all me so maybe I am not broken. How many people are out there that don’t know they are the problem. How many people are out there that are searching for who they are. I know who I am . I have come to understand who I am and where I want to be. I just have to take the steps to fix me. I would say maybe I am not broken, maybe I just have broken pieces.

They say I am made in God’s image. God must be messed up. Even God disappeared for many years. People were constantly asking God where are you? Maybe He is an introvert also. Or just likes to get away by Himself and take a look at what He has made. Does He still think it is all good?

I know God isn’t messed up. I know He loves me and accepts me for who I am. I know I am made in His image. I know this world has made me the way I am. Not God. I know He will take my broken pieces and put them together. I know it takes effort on my part. God doesn’t make mistakes. I know where I am and where I need to go. With God’s help I will get there. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow but one day… one day it will all click. I am not sad or mad or any of that. I just know I have something that needs to be fixed.

I know I have family that loves me. I know I have friends that think about me and pray for me. I know God loves me. You can take me off your worry list. I will be okay. I know I have it a lot better than most. I know through the pain and the rain there will be a joy and the sun one day. I know things are never as bad as they seem. I know to put me back together again I just need to take one step at a time until all the broken pieces are fixed and I am not broken anymore. I have broken pieces but I am not broken. I am whole in the hands of the one who made me.