To be clear, there is no Autumn or anyone else. I’m still figuring out how my new life will look and ready to explore that life alone for awhile. But when the time is right, I hope it comes so unexpectedly I have to catch my breath.
But I might have a little crush on Autumn Reeser.
Winter came and I was dark inside
Wasn’t living, just trying to survive
Wasn’t looking forward to Spring
There wasn’t a love song I could sing
And for once, I didn’t want the Summer heat
Then I saw you and you smiled at me
I wasn’t looking, didn’t see this coming
If I did I probably would’ve been running
I wasn’t ready for this again
Wasn’t ready for these feelings to begin
Wasn’t looking to love someone else
But you know I can’t lie to myself
These feelings I wasn’t expecting at all
Damn Autumn, I wasn’t expecting to fall
My life is now brighter than the colors of the leaves
At the beginning of this football season, Conor Smith and Megan Moroney wrote two songs about changing team colors for someone. That got me thinking that I would never change colors so I wrote this one. Of course, this is no where close to being an actual song. Will have to do some serious work on it but you can get the gist.
Maize and Blue
I was already more than a few beers in
I thought I might never have this chance again
I said what the hell and bought you a beer
Asked if you were from around here
You said you were just visiting friends
We talked and I hoped this night wouldn’t end
Your laughter came easy and your eyes sure did shine
I didn’t want to be anywhere else when your hand was in mine
Been a few years since we had that first beer at the Buckeye bar
I knew when I walked you home I fell in love under the stars
And it nearly broke my heart when I crashed back to earth
When she said she’ll always cheer for that team up north
I told her I’ll always bleed Scarlet and Grey
And I will until my dying day
Since the day we met, two things will always be true
I’ll love you and I’ll never wear maize and blue
I hate Alabama and the rest of the SEC
But I’ll yell Roll Tide before I cheer for the Wolverines
She said you know I won’t lie
I’m for anyone playing the Buckeyes
Then I thought there’s no way this is going to last
But I can’t say no when she kisses me like that
I can’t help the way she grew up
I can’t change the team that she loves
Been a few years since we had that first beer at the Buckeye bar
I knew when I walked you home I fell in love under the stars
And it nearly broke my heart when I crashed back to earth
When she said she’ll always cheer for that team up north
I told her I’ll always bleed Scarlet and Grey
And I will until my dying day
Since the day we met, two things will always be true
I’ll love you and I’ll never wear maize and blue
In November when we break her heart again
I’ll make her sing Carmen Ohio after another win
She said I know this’ll be our year
When we score I’ll get you to cheer
That’s when I knew love was blind
Because I knew she was out of her mind
Four weeks in November we tear each other apart
But she knows I love her with all my heart
Been a few years since we had that first beer at the Buckeye bar
I knew when I walked you home I fell in love under the stars
And it nearly broke my heart when I crashed back to earth
When she said she’ll always cheer for that team up north
I told her I’ll always bleed Scarlet and Grey
And I will until my dying day
Since the day we met, two things will always be true
But l, like you, was too wrapped up in my own screen
To look up and reach out to tell you how much you mean to me
But in the end I guess you are just a little stronger
And you’ve been able to fight a little longer
But for me, well this was my last night
The darkness claimed victory over the light
And maybe I shouldn’t have smiled through the pain
And maybe I shouldn’t have hidden these thoughts in my brain
Maybe you wouldn’t have thought I was going insane
And maybe you could’ve broke me free from these chains
But a lot of maybes I guess we’ll never know
I miss who I was not so long ago
I wish you could see these tears roll down my face
But man, there’s so many things I can’t erase
And I know sorry will never be enough
I wish, I wish I felt like I was loved
But you know, it’s not like anyone will miss me
When was the last time anyone even reached out to me?
I mean, you really had to know
I was taking blow after blow
And you had to know I got up each time a little slower
And you had to see I was holding my head a little lower
You had to see I smiled a whole lot less
I mean, I was a total freaking mess
Not even Instagram could hide my sadness
And my Tik Tok’s were borderline madness
Hey, I’ve even scheduled posts three months ahead
I might even be instafamous after I’m dead
At least for a day or two
Then it’ll again be all about you
I mean my writings went from hope and faith to despair
But not one person reached out to care
A pity party this is not
Like me, it’ll be so easily forgot
Like I said, I get it, you’ve got your own likes to get
But I hope , unlike me, you can live without regrets
You know, it wouldn’t hurt to get away from the screen
Be a good friend, a real relationship, one last piece of advice from me
And I know you are busy, got your own life to live
But man, I hope God really does forgive
Don’t get me wrong , it’s not all on you
These demons I have are a wicked crew
Maybe I should’ve told you all this before tonight
But it really wasn’t until a minute ago I gave up the fight
I always felt like I’d have more time
But sometimes you are out of rhymes
I wish I never felt the things that I have felt
But I feel like I didn’t know how to ask for help
(In case anyone thinks this is a goodbye note, it is not. I am still here but these thoughts are in my head. We all know someone who is hurting but we are afraid to reach out and dig deep and make that connection. Challenge this weekend is to put your phones down, go knock on a neighbor’s door and ask them how they are doing. Buy a pizza and sit down together and talk. Who knows, you might just save a life.)
You Will Be Found by Ben Platt –
A Place Called Earth by Jon Foreman/ Lauren Daigle –