I Thought He Would Live Forever ( Part 1)

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Little Culver, Colorado.  That’s where I am from. It’s a Mayberry type of town, one main street, two lights, the old school that was there before they built the new one in Big Culver, that’s now a bed and breakfast, a small cafe that my parents own and one gas station.  We are exactly a half mile from Big Culver, which is exactly one mile high from the rest of the world.   We are approximately one hour and twenty minutes from Denver.  At least we are now, but we weren’t always.  It used to take almost four hours until in 1970, the year I was born, Culver Pass Tunnel was made.  They blew up part of the mountain and made a tunnel that was a smidge over a quarter mile long.  By doing that, the trip to Denver became a lot less time-consuming.

We are on the west side of Culver Peak.  The first major peak as you enter the Rocky Mountains from the plains.  If you go east from Little Culver and go up the mountain to Big Culver, you will find the best world-class ski resort in Colorado. I believe that is why they made Culver Pass Tunnel. No one is going to drive four hours from Denver to get to it when they have so many other options. But now, book your reservations early because, during ski season, there will be no rooms available. If you go up the rest of the mountain east of Big Culver and cross over the peak, you would swear you could see Ohio.  My dad once told me when he and mom were missing me, they would go up there and pretend Ohio wasn’t so far away. Once you get down from Culver Peak, it is almost all flat lands as far as you can see.

I moved away when I was eighteen to go to college to go to The Ohio State University. I am now forty-eight years old and this will be my fifth time back in the last thirty years.  Life gets busy, school, job, wife, children, finances, etc.  I can make a million excuses but if I really wanted to go back, I could have found a way.

Why do I find a need to write all this down and tell you? I don’t know. I think I am trying to get my mind right, get my thoughts out. I’m on Southwest Airlines flight 447 from Columbus, Ohio, where I currently reside with my wife and four daughters, to Denver Colorado. I stare out the window, thirty-five thousand feet above the ground but my mind is a million miles from this world. 

Last night I got the call from my mom, dad had passed.

The only thing I could think to say was I thought he would live forever.

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In about five minutes, what I am writing now will be in the future as we cross the central time zone.  Another hour from that and the rest of what I write will be in the future as I keep losing time.  I wish life was like that and I could go back a few hours, a few days, a few months to see my dad one more time but time, and life, doesn’t work like that.

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My dad is, was a truck driver. Mostly he would drive from Denver to Kansas City and back. Sometimes he would go from Denver to Salt Lake City Utah.  Usually out and backs so he was home often. My mom is the best cook in the world. She owns the Little Culver Diner.  It seemed like almost everyone from Big Culver would come down the mountain to order my mom’s famous home-cooked meals.  On days when my dad was gone, I would help mom set up the diner in the mornings, she would make me a ham and cheese omelet and then I would catch the bus up to Big Culver to go to school. After school, the bus would take me back home and I would help mom out in the diner as well. I believe I am a fine cook myself but I do not compare to my mom. On days when my dad was home, he was an avid runner. He said it helped clear his mind and free his soul.

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I remember the first time he let me go down from Little Culver to the Culver Pass Tunnel. I was ten years old and my dad let me ride my bike with him. For a ten-year-old to look down a half mile road that was all downhill and curves, it was quite intimidating. I rode the brakes all the way down, I think I used all the rubber off the brakes that day. My dad was patient with me. We finally arrived at the pass and it was scary as well. Imagine a quarter mile tunnel that had very few lights. Parts of it, I could not see my dad ten feet in front of me.  He wanted me to ride in front so he could watch me but I was having no part of that. After we appeared on the other side of the tunnel, I was awestruck from the view.  Amazingly, the road was mostly flat but to either side of us, it looked like you could fall off the face of the earth. We would go anywhere from one and a half miles to three and a half miles before we would turn around and head back home. I had to walk my bike up the half mile back home.

One last view of the city below

As I grew and got older, I started to run with him. I ran on days when he wasn’t home so I could get stronger and faster and he wouldn’t have to slow down and wait on me. There were days when he wanted to run by himself and I was heartbroken.  I didn’t understand the need for him to be alone. Of course, now that I am older and a parent, I totally understand. Days when I run are the only time of the day I am alone with just me and my thoughts.  Running is my sanity.  Looking back,  I am actually surprised he let me go with him as much as he did. Being stuck in a truck all day, that was his time and he let me share that with him. That’s the kind of man he is, was. 

It’s hard to think of him in the past tense.

After all, I thought he would live forever.

To be continued….

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Dad by Tyler Wood –

Dad’s Old Number by Cole Swindell-

Hey Dad by Matt Stilwell –

Heaven Bound Balloons by Granger Smith-

Killing Me by Luke Sital-Singh-

Why God by Austin French-

Jealous Of The Angels by Katherine Jenkins-

If Only by Escape The Fate –

January 11th, 2017 by Mike Posner-

 

 

 

Your Rose Garden

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I watched you for what seemed like hours as you tended your rose garden. I never understood why you would want to have so many roses and why you would want to spend so much time out there. You would always say you loved the way the dirt smelled. You would spend countless summer days bent over the garden, sweat dripping from your brow, pulling the weeds and pruning the roses. You would come inside sweaty, dirty, and looking exhausted but you always had a smile on your face.

I don’t get it I would say. You would reply, what’s their to get. It’s my time to do what I love and it’s my time I spend all alone with God. You should hear the conversations we would have. I would always reply I don’t know if I want to and we would laugh.

Even in the dark cold days of winter you would get bundled up and go outside to walk the path through your garden. Talking to them, touching their dead branches. Of course, I didn’t get that either. Why on earth? You would always say that they aren’t dead. There is life inside of them. They are like a lot of people in this world. Walking dead but there is life in them. It’s up to us to bring that life out. Waiting patiently, for today they may appear dead but with tomorrow there is always hope.

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You are like that. You had a natural beauty that I was instantly attracted to but it was your inner beauty that would light up my heart. You could walk into a dark room and it would be like someone turned on the lights. It is the type of person you are.

Until one day you were taken from me. A teenager was texting and driving and ran into you. Neither of you survived. God needed his angel back and I had to pay the price. At your funeral the pastor recited your favorite bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Forget you God. If this is your plan then I don’t want any part of it. I looked out the back window and saw your rose garden. In my grief, I ran outside and I pulled and broke and cut every rose bush. I screamed and hollered your name. I screamed at God.

Out of breath, cut, scratched, and bleeding from the thorns, I dropped to my knees and let my tears water the lifeless dirt.

Summer turned to winter and, like the days , my heart grew darker and colder. I didn’t know how to live without you. I didn’t want to live without you. God should’ve taken me with you. My pain was too much to bear.

I looked out the window and saw the bare garden. I finally understood what you meant. Even if they appeared dead, at least they were still there. Now there was nothing but bare dirt. I grieved more as I recalled that day I destroyed what you loved.

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As seasons go, winter turned to spring. We had an early spring this year. I looked out the window and could not believe my eyes. Somehow in the very back of the garden, barely visible from where I stood, a rose bush had survived and now had two roses blooming.

I ran outside as fast as I could. I had to touch them to see if they were real. As I did, I could swear I caught a faint scent of you. Then in the spring breeze I could swear I heard your laughter. I immediately dropped to my knees and grabbed a handful of dirt. It smelled so full of life.

In that moment, I felt my heart start to beat again.

I went out and bought as many rose bushes as I could find. There had to be at least a hundred of them and I was going to fix what I destroyed. I was going to fix your rose garden.

I labored for hours that first day. I went to bed exhausted, sore and smelling like dirt but I would wake up refreshed, ready to start again. I realized I could not do it on my own.

I looked at my phone, hesitant to dial their number. I dialed anyway. I called the teenagers parents and they came over to help. I think all of us healed a little bit that day.

I watched every day as your garden came back to life. I spent hours out there talking to you. I slowly learned to talk to God again.

Summer rolled around and I was still in the garden. Sweat rolling off every inch of my body but it was okay. I stood up to take a break and I swear I felt your hand touch mine. I closed my eyes remembering what your touch felt like. I looked down at my hand but yours was not there. I started to lift it up when a beautiful butterfly landed in my palm. Then a sliver of light fell right on it, giving it its own spotlight. I smiled, then the butterfly fluttered toward my face and touched my cheek, as if giving me a kiss. Then it flew to a nearby rose and I did something I hadn’t done in a long time.

I said your name out loud. Kim?

Then a summer breeze picked up and I swear I heard it carry your laughter. Tears fell down my face but I smiled.

In your rose garden I found life again. I found you again. I found God again.

I miss you every minute of every day but it was right there and then that I knew I would never be alone.

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Maybe Today

 

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There was a time

When I would hit my knees and pray

 

Thanking God you were mine

But that was before He took you away

 

I was upset, no, I was angry

Eyes sewn shut

 

No light could get in

I never thought to look up

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Running in circles

Can’t catch my breath

 

Don’t want to live

I would prefer death

I am out of tears

I scream and shout

 

I don’t want to grab the hand

I can see reaching out

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It never occurred to me

That I was on the wrong side

 

Until through a single crack

Appeared a slither of light

 

A feeling I can’t explain

A weight lifted off my chest

 

I could suddenly breathe again

A time to heal, a time to rest

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All the hurt and pain diminished

Understanding the tears I cried

 

Then a voice, I understand your pain

For my own son died

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Spinning by Disciple- 

Pull The Plug by I Prevail- 

On My Way  by Hayden Panettiere- 

Keep Your Eyes on Me by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill – 

The Wound Is Where The Light Gets In by Jason Gray – 

A Father’s Gift

 

The second of three poems I am sharing this week that I wrote a long time ago.

If you missed the first one here it is:  A Mother’s Gift

I also posted another poem on Monday about spending time with your significant other, you can find it here :  If It’s Only An Hour

A Father’s Gift
It’s just you and me now

We will get by somehow

I promise to give you all my love

You’ll always be who I’m thinking of

I know you’re sad, I am too

Oh no baby , I don’t regret you

I know that we lost your mother

So you may never have a sister or a brother

I know no one will ever take her place

Someday, you may be asked to let another be that face

Until then, it will be just you and I

So we must remember, even when we don’t know why

Everything happens for a reason

Good and bad, in every season

We’ll both make mistakes, but nothing you ever do

Could ever, ever , take away my love for you 

A Fathers Love For His Daughter (commercial) – 

Don’t Take The Girl by Tim McGraw – 

Car In Front Of Me by Luke Bryan – 

Save A Place For Me by Matthew West – 

Without You by For King & Country – 

Sissy’s Song by Alan Jackson – 

One More Day by Diamond Rio – 

If I Had Only Known by Reba McEntire – 

Say Hello To Heaven by Collin Raye – 

 

 

My Children I Never Saw

We were living in a two bedroom apartment at the time. We were starting to look at houses in Westerville but we were really just undecided on where to go.  Plus it was a large “luxury” two bedroom and the girls had their own bathroom.  We made it work.

Then Kim told me she was pregnant. We had talked about it but we weren’t exactly ready. At least I didn’t think so. I guess neither did God because we miscarried.

A short time later we were pregnant again. Again we miscarried. It hit Kim more than it did me. Both times were less than six weeks but they were lives being started in there.

All in God’s time. We found a house. We did all the moving ourselves. We packed up an apartment and a storage unit, unloaded, and had it all unpacked and set up in the house all in one day. One long day.  We could not have done that if the first two pregnancies took. And lo and behold, right after we moved in we found out Kim was pregnant with Kylie.

That’s the background and I don’t know why almost eleven years later the two miscarriages have been on my mind. Were they boys or girls? What would they look like now? What kind of personality would they have had? What would they be like now? Is Kylie a combination of those two? Will we see those two in Heaven when our time comes? What was God’s plan ? Was it all for us to be able to get a house and be able to move? Was it for me to talk about eleven years later? Maybe help someone else?

I don’t know. All I know is that for some reason they have been weighing on my heart and my mind the last few weeks.

God has a plan. Sometimes that doesn’t help to hear when you are going through a loss but you will get through it. Whatever your loss may be. Loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a pet you will get through it. The memories will be there and some days will be hard. You will have good days also. You will have days when you will have a memory and cry. You will have days where you will have a memory and smile. You will never forget. Hang in there and let God walk you through it.

Lucy by Skillet – yes I know this song is about abortion but it touches me every time I hear it. 

Who You’d Be Today by Kenny Chesney – 

Heaven By Tonight by Matt Baird – 

God’s Will by Martina Mcbride – 

When I’m Gone by Joey and Rory – 

Gone Too Soon by Daughtry – 

Home by Nicol Sponberg – 

From This One Place by Sara Groves – 

Held by Natalie Grant – 

What Is Heaven Like by Robert Rogers –