As I sat on the tailgate of my daughters truck with her last night, a lot of emotions surfaced. How did this amazing young lady sitting beside me , a senior in high school, get this old, how did I get this old? How did she go from being Super Why, a werewolf, a zombie cowboy and all the others to studying psychology while we are handing out candy ?
How did we go from dressing up and walking the neighborhood trick or treating to sitting on the back of a tailgate handing out candy to other kids that their parents think they have all the time in the world?
They don’t.
You blink and it’s gone. You go from first steps and first words and first trick or treats to probably her last Halloween at home. And soon it’ll be her last Thanksgiving and last Christmas and her last year of school that I get to see her everyday.
First day of kindergarten to first day of Senior Year, first race to last cross country race, first concerts to hopefully not last concerts but I am sure friends will replace me, first game at Wrigley Field to, well we do have one more summer before college and hopefully some summers in between college years, first College Game Day at Ohio Stadium to, well there is a big game coming up in a few weeks so maybe College Game Day will be there and we will have one more.
Her first college acceptance official letter came today. The email came a few days ago. Another email came today accepting her to another school. And I’m sure in the next few days or weeks, or blinks of an eye, she will get accepted to the other three or four she’s applied to. It’s nice to have choices.
But we almost know for sure where she will go. Far enough away to not see her often but close enough where she can still come back home on a weekend, if she wants too.
But more than likely she won’t be coming home to the same house she left, the house she grew up in.
A lot of changes are coming our way. Some good, some not so good. Some happy, some sad.
But like a book, life has its beginnings and its different chapters that somehow all come together to make a wonderful story. And as all stories end, new beginnings begin.
But for now there’s still a few more chapters to read in this book. Then it’ll go up on the shelf of memories and another book will be opened up.
I really have enjoyed being the dad in this book. I am thankful.
I have posted this a couple times before but will post it again today since I am having a hard time finishing anything new that I am writing.
I came home from work Friday night and Kim told me Deanna, one of her best friends and mentor, told her about a vision her daughter had. Her daughter just finished her freshman year of college and truly lives for Jesus. Deanna said maybe Rob can turn her vision into a poem or a song. I took Kylie up to get her shower ready and sat down and this is what came out.
It is truly an inspiring vision and I hope my words do it justice.
Gave You My Heart
I gave you my heart and you walked away
You’re my dad, you were supposed to stay
I couldn’t keep it all together today
I grabbed what was left of my heart and walked to the beach
Walked far enough until your memory was out of reach
I screamed at you dad until I was too hoarse to speak
Then I saw a piece of sea glass so bright
It had such a mysterious light
It was like a piece of day in the darkest night
I bent down and dug with my free hand
There had to be more pieces under the sand
That’s when I felt the presence of another man
It was like a dream as my other hand held my heart
The one that you, dad, had ripped apart
Then I had a thought, this isn’t the end but a brand new start
I felt this man telling me to turn in his direction
But I couldn’t so I grabbed my sea glass collection
And I tried to hold a piece just right to see his reflection
I couldn’t turn around, I knew what he wanted me to do
I couldn’t give him my heart dad, I had given it to you
And I was scared he would walk away with it too
Then his hand touched my shoulder
My courage grew just a little bit bolder
My tears started to flow as I began to molder
I turned and as he reached for me I saw the scars on his hand
He looked at me and I knew he wasn’t just a man
That’s when I dropped my sea glass in the sand
I let him hold me for what seemed like an hour
I could feel his gentleness, as well as his power
I felt his love pour down on me like a summer shower
I whispered, “If I give you me heart will you walk away?”
He said “I’m your father. I’ve never left, I will always stay.”
I knew he was telling the truth so I gave my heart to him that day
(image credit: Kevin Carden Photography)
Busted Heart ( Hold On To Me) by For King and Country –
I came home from work Friday night and Kim told me Deanna, one of her best friends and mentor, told her about a vision her daughter had. Her daughter just finished her freshman year of college and truly lives for Jesus. Deanna said maybe Rob can turn her vision into a poem or a song. I took Kylie up to get her shower ready and sat down and this is what came out.
It is truly an inspiring vision and I hope my words do it justice.
Gave You My Heart
I gave you my heart and you walked away
You’re my dad, you were supposed to stay
I couldn’t keep it all together today
I grabbed what was left of my heart and walked to the beach
Walked far enough until your memory was out of reach
I screamed at you dad until I was too hoarse to speak
Then I saw a piece of sea glass so bright
It had such a mysterious light
It was like a piece of day in the darkest night
I bent down and dug with my free hand
There had to be more pieces under the sand
That’s when I felt the presence of another man
It was like a dream as my other hand held my heart
The one that you, dad, had ripped apart
Then I had a thought, this isn’t the end but a brand new start
I felt this man telling me to turn in his direction
But I couldn’t so I grabbed my sea glass collection
And I tried to hold a piece just right to see his reflection
I couldn’t turn around, I knew what he wanted me to do
I couldn’t give him my heart dad, I had given it to you
And I was scared he would walk away with it too
Then his hand touched my shoulder
My courage grew just a little bit bolder
My tears started to flow as I began to molder
I turned and as he reached for me I saw the scars on his hand
He looked at me and I knew he wasn’t just a man
That’s when I dropped my sea glass in the sand
I let him hold me for what seemed like an hour
I could feel his gentleness, as well as his power
I felt his love pour down on me like a summer shower
I whispered, “If I give you me heart will you walk away?”
He said “I’m your father. I’ve never left, I will always stay.”
I knew he was telling the truth so I gave my heart to him that day
(image credit: Kevin Carden Photography)
Busted Heart ( Hold On To Me) by For King and Country –
Today is Kylie’s 14th birthday. I believe all parents want to pass along their wisdom and knowledge to their children, pass along the best parts of them.
Sometimes, they get the worst part of you. Well, THIS IS A STORY like that.
Sometimes the mind goes where the mind goes.
Happy Birthday Kylie.
I discovered I was an artist at the age of fourteen. At first, I was really nervous and scared and would only practice my artistry every six months or so. I was shy and did not want anyone else to see my work. I made many mistakes when I first started out but luckily the gods were in my favor and I was able to continue my artistry as I grew older, and wiser. And braver.
As I became more confident, my art work became more frequent. Every four months to two months to weekly, until I met a woman I would fall in love with.
Since my art did not pay the bills, I joined the working world. I was miserable. I had no time to practice my art or to continue working towards perfecting my skills.
But I was in love. And then I found out I was going to be a father.
I prayed for a son. A boy I could train to follow in my footsteps. It had taken years for me to be almost perfect in my craft and I wanted to pass down everything I had learned to a son. Every mistake, every lesson learned, every victory. The satisfaction of a job well done.
It was not to be. My daughter came into the world full of life, screaming and crying to the world, I am here.
The pressure of being a father and paying the bills became too much. I needed a release. I needed time to myself. I needed a “night out with the boys” every couple of weeks, at least that’s what I told my wife.
But what I really needed was my art. I needed to get back to what I was best at doing. I needed to perfect my craft. I needed to keep practicing my art, to create the perfect masterpiece. I could not make any mistakes.
As my daughter grew, I would come home “after a night with the boys” and would watch her sleeping. I would feel guilty for going out, for doing what I was doing, but I kept telling myself it was for my own sanity. I could not stop. It was in my blood and I was very good at what I did.
But I wanted to be the best.
To be the best, I had to keep practicing my skills. As my daughter grew, she became more curious, but there was no way I could show her my work. As my daughter grew, so did the world. Technology was changing and I had to keep in touch with it in order to keep making my art. It was becoming a chore to stay one step ahead but I was still very good at my art, and I could not stop.
However, doubts started to creep in. One mistake, however small, could lead to my art being ruined. What if my wife found out? I still was not ready for anyone to see my work. How much longer could I continue? Could I stop if I really wanted to?
I must stop. Even if I was miserable, it beat being discovered. I must stop, I told myself over and over. I must stop.
I tried to stop, I really did.
I kept telling myself one more time. One more night. One more masterpiece. But that only lead to one more time, one more night.
It was the eve of my daughter’s fourteenth birthday. I remembered how I started my art skills when I was fourteen. I wondered if it was in her blood also.
I didn’t have to wait long.
One week later I went out for my one more last time.
Little did I know she followed me.
I slowly walked the streets, looking for the right inspiration to be part of my next masterpiece. After all, I had become a master artist. It didn’t take me long. The objects of my art were always easy to find. Some people enjoy being the center of attention. It’s not hard to convince them to come with me so I can “paint” them. The centerpiece of my gallery.
I took her back to my gallery and as soon as I started to carve her up so slowly, I was a master craftsmen after all, my daughter came running into the room.
I was terrified and relieved at the same time. My secret was finally out of the bag. After all these years and all these murders, it was my daughter who caught me.
But she wasn’t horrified like I thought she would be. A smile of relief crossed her face.
It was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.
All this time, she had the same urges as me. All this time I had prayed for a son to pass my artistry onto but instead I was given a daughter who was every bit an artist like me. Now I could pass my expertise down to her.
Every mistake, every lesson learned, every victory.
For my daughter was a serial killer, just like me, and I could not let her get caught.
Disclaimer: Neither Kylie or I are serial killers, just so no one takes this seriously. Even though at times feel like I could…
When I first started this I was thinking it would be about old friends or old relationship, like Adele’s Someone Like You song. Then I heard RaeLynn’s Love Triangle and it went a different direction. Hope you like. Dads, be there for you kids, no matter what. They need you in their life. The statistics of how children turn out without a father in their lives are not good. Be there. Be thankful for them. Love them. Be thankful for forgiveness. One of the most important things you can do as a dad is to love their mom. Show them what a real man and a real father and a real stick it out, work it out relationship should look like.
When I left it wasn’t your choice
It must be strange to hear my voice
After all these years
After you cried a million tears
“I’m sorry I was wrong.”
“I should never have left you for so long.”
“I’m sorry I decided to leave.”
“I know that must be hard for you to believe.”
“I felt like there was no other way.”
“When I packed my bags and left that day.”
“Your mom has raised you well.”
“You’re beautiful inside and out I can tell.”
I could also tell I had scarred her
Her first question, “Why didn’t you try harder?”
“Wasn’t I worth trying?”
“Do you know how many nights I spent crying?”
“I promise daddy, I could’ve been better!”
“Don’t you think I was worth one call, one letter?”
“I know you and mom had your troubles
But why did you keep me outside your bubble?”
“Do you know many nights I yelled into my pillow at you?”
“Do you know how many days I wondered what did I do?”
I just stared at her, how could I cut her out of my life?
There was nothing I could say, she was right
She had so many questions that hurt me so
But nothing like the pain I caused her I know
I cried my first tear
I let go of all my fears
All the times I could’ve
All the times I should’ve
I let them all go, left the past in the past
Here she was in front of me at last
I asked, “Will you ever forgive me?”
“I did dad, a long time ago can’t you see?”
“I prayed for you!”
“I waited for you!”
“I did have so much anger and hate
But God taught me that love was the only way.”
“As hard as it was I slowly learned to forgive
So that I could learn to live.”
“I opened up the walls surrounding my heart.”
“Here I am dad, willing to give us another start!”
I lost it all, I crumbled in her arms
I promised her I would never again harm
If God could help us reunite
Then I knew I had to give Him my life
Thank you for mended relationships
Thank you God for fixing this
Never again will something come in between
I will spend the rest of my life letting her know how much she means
Love Triangle by Raelynn-
Perfect Story by Idina Menzel –
Every Other Weekend by Kenny Chesney and Reba McEntire-
When I first started this I was thinking it would be about old friends or old relationship, like Adele’s Someone Like You song. Then I heard RaeLynn’s Love Triangle and it went a different direction. Hope you like. Dads, be there for you kids, no matter what. They need you in their life. The statistics of how children turn out without a father in their lives are not good. Be there. Be thankful for them. Love them. Be thankful for forgiveness. One of the most important things you can do as a dad is to love their mom. Show them what a real man and a real father and a real stick it out, work it out relationship should look like.
When I left it wasn’t your choice
It must be strange to hear my voice
After all these years
After you cried a million tears
“I’m sorry I was wrong.”
“I should never have left you for so long.”
“I’m sorry I decided to leave.”
“I know that must be hard for you to believe.”
“I felt like there was no other way.”
“When I packed my bags and left that day.”
“Your mom has raised you well.”
“You’re beautiful inside and out I can tell.”
I could also tell I had scarred her
Her first question, “Why didn’t you try harder?”
“Wasn’t I worth trying?”
“Do you know how many nights I spent crying?”
“I promise daddy, I could’ve been better!”
“Don’t you think I was worth one call, one letter?”
“I know you and mom had your troubles
But why did you keep me outside your bubble?”
“Do you know many nights I yelled into my pillow at you?”
“Do you know how many days I wondered what did I do?”
I just stared at her, how could I cut her out of my life?
There was nothing I could say, she was right
She had so many questions that hurt me so
But nothing like the pain I caused her I know
I cried my first tear
I let go of all my fears
All the times I could’ve
All the times I should’ve
I let them all go, left the past in the past
Here she was in front of me at last
I asked, “Will you ever forgive me?”
“I did dad, a long time ago can’t you see?”
“I prayed for you!”
“I waited for you!”
“I did have so much anger and hate
But God taught me that love was the only way.”
“As hard as it was I slowly learned to forgive
So that I could learn to live.”
“I opened up the walls surrounding my heart.”
“Here I am dad, willing to give us another start!”
I lost it all, I crumbled in her arms
I promised her I would never again harm
If God could help us reunite
Then I knew I had to give Him my life
Thank you for mended relationships
Thank you God for fixing this
Never again will something come in between
I will spend the rest of my life letting her know how much she means
Love Triangle by Raelynn-
Perfect Story by Idina Menzel –
Every Other Weekend by Kenny Chesney and Reba McEntire-
The final book in the elephant and piggie series. Say it isn’t so. It brings a tear to my eye. I have been bringing these books home from the library as long as I can remember. Kylie and I have always read them together.
The first Mo Willems book I brought home was Don’t Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus. I am thinking it was around when Kylie was two. The book had already been out a few years. I would use different voices for the different characters. Mo Willems’ books helped Kylie learn to read. We always had fun trying to find the pigeon on the back page.
After we read all the pigeon books we moved on to the elephant and piggie books. Today I Will Fly and There Is A Bird On Your Head always made Kylie laugh. The older she got and the more she could read, she started playing the part of piggie and reading those parts. I, of course, was left with elephant.
I would bring them home periodically, when I would remember to search the library for new books by Mo Willems. It seems like it has been awhile but maybe it has not, as time seems to fly nowadays. Anyway, I was doing a search and Thank You appeared. Yeah, a new book.
I wish I could’ve had a camera ready when I brought the book home. Now that she is 10 3/4 and starting middle school in just a few months I did not expect her reaction. Her face lit up and she got a big smile on her face. ” A new one, yeah,” she said. We dropped everything and read our parts together, like we have for the last eight years.
In closing, thank you Mo Willems. For giving my daughter and me eight years of memories. Memories I am sure she will continue with her children when she has them, hopefully a long, long, long, long time from now. For now, I will cherish her face lighting up as she saw Thank You and I will cherish all the memories, stories, and everything elephant and piggie has taught her as she grew up. The laughs we shared, the words we learned to read and, most importantly, the time we were able to spend together.
My God, My Music, My Life 