“Yeah, today we are going to the pumpkin patch,” said my little girl. “I can’t wait to pick out the perfect pumpkin.”
We arrived at the pumpkin patch at one o’clock. My daughter excitedly got out of the car and ran over to the pumpkins. I couldn’t help but to smile at her excitement. It was contagious.
“Which one can I get daddy?” She jumped up and down. “What about this one, it’s nice and round. Or this one, it has a long, green stem and is also round, like a basketball.”
“You can get whatever one you want. Let me know when you find one. In the meantime, I’ll look for the one I want and mommy will look for the one she wants,” I replied.
It wasn’t but a few minutes when she yelled out that she found the one she wants. We put it in the wagon, along with the one I picked out, as well as her mom’s pumpkin.
My daughter noticed the ones we picked out and giggled. “Daddy, yours has bumps all over it and it’s crooked. Mommy, yours isn’t even a pumpkin. It’s more like pieces of a pumpkin. Whatever will you do with it?”
We told her it will be a surprise and she will see tonight after we carve them.
We arrived home and unloaded the pumpkins. We put newspaper down on top of the kitchen table and we started to carve them.
We started with our daughter’s first. We cut the top off around the stem and the most terrible smell came out. Even though it was beautiful and perfect on the outside, it was rotten on the inside.
We then started to carve mine. We cut the stem off and the most wonderful, sweet smell came out of the pumpkin.
I couldn’t help myself to teach my daughter a life lesson.
“People are a lot like these pumpkins. What looks beautiful on the outside could be really rotten on the inside. And I don’t always mean rotten in a mean way. They could look like they have it all together, but really they are sad and hurting inside. That is why you really have to get to know people, not for how they look on the outside, but for what is on the inside. Then, when you get to know them, you really have to try to know how to help them when they are hurting inside.”
“Then, look at my pumpkin. You laughed at it because it was not perfect on the outside. It has bumps and scratches and is a little bit crooked but on the inside, it is so beautiful. That is why you have to love everyone and get to know everyone. You never know who is the nicest, kindest, most wonderful person until you get to know them. Don’t not like someone because of the way they look.”
My daughter said she thinks she understands, but then she said, “What about mommy’s. It’s all in pieces.”
Then we sat and watched mom do what only moms can do. She put that pumpkin back together, piece by piece. She wrapped it in tape and love. It was the most beautiful mess of a pumpkin you could have ever seen.
“So what about mommy’s pumpkin. It looks like a puzzle, but not all the pieces are there.”
“Let’s have mommy explain it to us,” I said.
Then my wife, my daughter’s mom spoke with the wisdom that I love her for.
“Well, you see this pumpkin was broken. We don’t know why it was broken, maybe other pumpkins picked on it, or maybe someone kicked it or dropped it, or maybe the pumpkin did something to itself that made it this way. We don’t know. But what we do know is that with a little love and kindness, that the most broken people are loved and can give off the brightest light when they are given the chance. God loves all of us, the beautiful ones, the rotten ones, and especially the broken ones.”
We then put our candles in each of our pumpkins and we all lost our breath when we saw the light shining through all the broken pieces of my wife’s pumpkin.
Our daughter then said, “wow, the light from the broken one shines the brightest. It is so beautiful.”
Mended by Matthew West-
Beautifully Broken by Plumb –
The Wound Is Where The Light Gets In by Jason Gray –
It was a difficult time. I knew that she was not being herself. I knew the enemy had attacked and she didn’t fight him.
I told God, I told the devil, whoever would listen that I am stronger than she is. Take the demon from her and put it in me. Release her and let me deal with it.
I don’t cuss. I don’t scream. Most of the time nothing bothers me. I just let it roll right on off and go on with life. Yes, I get discouraged when I am taken advantage of, over and over and over. But life goes on. Stay the course. I tell you this because you need to understand the change that happened when I invited the demon into me.
The change was immediate. I felt like a different person. I could feel the tension inside of me. I turned into a person that screams, yells, and cusses. She deserves every bit of it for what she did. I don’t need her so let’s beat her down until she can’t get up. She did this, not me.
I looked in the mirror and the eyes looking back were not mine. I could see him in there. I knew he was there. He knew I knew. A small sinister smile appeared. You asked for me to be here so here I am.
It was a battle between who I am and who he is. Sometimes the angels won, sometimes the devil won. Sometimes I didn’t care who won.
Sometimes I even enjoyed him being there. No more Mr. Nice Guy. No more kind heart. Be the bad guy they all want anyway.
But I can’t be the bad guy. As hard as it tried, it’s just not who I am. It is who he is. Telling me things, telling me I need to do this or do that. I fought it.
I could eventually feel him come at all hours of the day and night. I would feel my eyes shift and I knew he was there. It would be like blinking and the world just looked different. He was the one looking from behind my eyes, not me. I would wake up sweating but my teeth were chattering because I was freezing. I would start shaking, like I was having a seizure, in middle of the day.
Where did he go when he wasn’t in me? Or was he always there and the angels just kept him subdued? If that’s the case, did the angels leave me to deal with this on my own? I don’t know.
I had to get control.
I could not take it anymore. God take this from me. Silence. I guess I did ask for it. Maybe I was not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe I still am not that strong.
I went to a Christian counselor to see if this was just in my head or what was going on. She suggest we do this rapid eye sensory thing, something they use for PTSD cases. Anything was worth a shot.
Holy crap, I will never doubt counseling again. I could see the demons face, he told me his name. It was like he was sitting right beside me. It gives me chills just talking about it now. After a few treatments, and since I now knew its name, I asked it to leave. Amazingly, it did.
That was five years ago.
I finished brushing my teeth yesterday and looked in the mirror. To my surprise, he was looking back at me, then he smiled his sinister smile.
Oh no! was my first thought. I didn’t ask you to come back here. What are you doing here? Then I thought, I don’t even care. I am too tired to fight it.
I just stood there looking at myself, and not myself was looking back, smiling.
I resigned myself to this is how it is going to be. I must well give up. But then I saw a flash of light in the mirror behind me.
I knew the angel was back also. I was not alone. I would not have to fight this alone. I will fight this.
“Step right up, come on in, only a dollar” shouted the carny. He looked right at me and my friends. “Come on in boys, this will change your life” and he winked at me. I don’t know why but my gut was telling me something was wrong. My friends wanted to go in and since I didn’t want to be left out, I went in with them.
It wasn’t much at first. A conveyor belt going the opposite direction. Oooh scary right? We made a tight turn to the right and the floor started shaking. Everyone started to laugh but the feeling inside me was getting worse. It was then the lights went out. We started reaching out, touching each other to make sure we were all still there. We slowly inched forward and hit a wall, promptly piling into each other. Then the lights came on and that was when the fun began.
We were looking at ourselves, all four versions of each of us. We looked at each other like what the crap, a couple of my friends used some other choice words. In one mirror there was me, looking as normal as I am now, if you can call that normal. In the second mirror I was a hideous monster. What the heck? The third mirror I was a baseball player, uniform, glove and all. How could this be? I only was wearing the clothes I came in with. The fourth mirror showed me as an old, decrepit old man, all by myself. It was then we realized there was no exit. We did the only thing we could and started to push on the mirrors. The only one that moved was the second one. We all looked at each other and kind of shrugged and took a step through. But we weren’t all together on the other side.
There I was, the hideous monster. I pulled on my skin and clothes to get them to come off but they were me and I was them. It was then I noticed a small light in the distance. I walked toward it and saw it was a cell phone. It had a note on it. PRESS PLAY. What I saw disgusted me and I wish I didn’t have to tell you about it, but I do. It was 15 second clips of my life. There was me eight years old pushing the other kids down on the playground. There was me twelve years old stealing a cassette from the local music store. There was me sixteen years old with my girlfriend. We were in the backseat and she said she wasn’t ready but I said we had already gone too far so let’s keep going. There was me at nineteen at a college party when a bunch of guys took a passed out girl upstairs and I didn’t stop them. There was me at twenty two when I didn’t take the keys from my friend and he drove home drunk, but he didn’t make it. There was me at home instead of visiting my dad before he passed away. There was me watching a movie instead of calling a friend who was home alone, waiting for me to call. There was me ignoring my wife because of past mistakes. Was I really this monster? Is this how others see me?
Then we were all back in the same room of mirrors. We all looked at each other like what was that? No one was laughing now. We pushed on the mirrors again but only the third one opened this time.
There I was, at Wrigley Field, pitching for the Cubs. The crowd was chanting my name. Oh yeah, this is what I was made for. They all love me. I was on the mound, World Series, game seven, bottom of the ninth, two outs, two on, two strikes. One more strike and I bring a championship to Chicago. The wind up, the pitch…and I heard it. My shoulder popped. Then I heard the crack of the bat as it connected to the ball. Then I heard the silence. Just like that it was all over. The game, my career, my life. I was so angry. I was mad at God. How could He bring me to this moment and then let it all go? One pitch. It was all over. What kind of God would do that to me? I shut everyone out. I drank myself to sleep every night. I didn’t know the women’s names I would wake up to. I didn’t care. I went from 60,000 people screaming my name to the deafening silence of my own thoughts.
There we were again. All six of us in the same room of mirrors. Mark said that wasn’t so bad. “Let’s get this over with,” said Scott. We looked at each other and hesitantly stepped into the fourth mirror.
There I was. A decrepit old man. No one there but me. A lifetime of choices led me to here. A lifetime of bad choices. How did I get here? I was a good guy once. I believed in God, once upon a time. I looked in the mirror and the mirror looked back. Was this really me? Then I was gone. There in my casket, all by myself. Honestly, all by myself. No one came to say goodbye. Not one single person! Was I that unloveable and selfish? Was I really that bad of a person? I guess the truth hurts because I must’ve been for not one single person to show up.
We were all back in the room of mirrors. A couple of my friends said how cool their mirrors were. They hope their lives turn out like that. I didn’t have anything to say. This time the first mirror, the normal mirror, opened and we walked through. A couple turns and a few distorted mirrors later we were at the exit.
“Hey boys, how’d you like it? Did you like what you saw?” said the carny. “The mirrors don’t lie boys. If you didn’t like what you saw, you still have time to do something about it.” That was when he looked at me again and winked and gave me something. I was too terrified to look at it so I stuck it in my pocket and left. He turned around and started shouting , “step right up boys and girls, come on in, only a dollar and it will change your life.”
I forgot about what he gave me until I got home and undressed. It fell out of my pocket. A small bible with a note inside. Read this if you want to change your life. Read this if you didn’t like what you saw in the mirrors. It is your choice.
Monster by Skillet –
All Of Me by Meatloaf –
Ain’t Much Left Of Me by Blackberry Smoke –
These Things I Hate (Revolves Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine –
I can’t tell you how far or how long I ran. I am willing to bet my last dollar it was farther and longer than I thought was possible.
I stopped to catch my breath and two questions popped into my head. What did I do for him to be here? Why was he following me?
I started to run again. In between my breaths, I heard the roar of rushing water below. It was in that moment I knew I took the wrong path.
I had three choices. Two of them would surely end in death. I could jump off the cliff into the cold rushing water. Death. I could stand there and do nothing and let him catch me. Death.
Since the first two choices would end in death, I had one choice left.
I had to escape.
Come on, come on. THINK!! I looked around, evaluating my options. Looking for another way. Time was running out. I could hear him coming.
I threw a rock over the cliff into the water. Hoping he thought I jumped. Then I looked at my only option left. The thickest thorn bush I had ever seen.
This is going to hurt.
I jumped in.
I tried quieting my breathing. I tried curling up into a small ball. I tried wishing that the moon wasn’t full. But it was.
I heard his footsteps. Getting closer. And closer. How did I get here?
I remember the day it happened. One year ago. One year ago today to be exact. I was in one of my “seasons,” as I like to call them. Nothing was going right. I was sinking into the quicksand I called depression. I was spiraling out of control. Failure was coming and I couldn’t stop it. Shame and guilt knocked on my door and I not only answered, I let them in.
Have you ever done something and one second after you did it you said what did I just do? I am so stupid. Why did I do that? I just let everyone I know down and I know they could never forgive me. I couldn’t even forgive myself so how could they?
I had to keep what I had done a secret. NO MATTER WHAT!! The truth would kill them, therefore killing me. Since I was already dead, there was no need to kill them. So I kept it to myself.
I sank further into my guilt and shame. I withdrew from everyone. Oh, I still had a killer smile and was wittingly charming. I could get by. I faked a lot of happiness. Inside, I cried a lot of tears. I was rotting inside and I knew they could smell it. I knew they knew I was a fake. But they never said anything.
Maybe I was better at hiding it than I thought. Then I started thinking, I am such a good liar. Which led to more guilt and shame. Which led to him.
At first, I didn’t pay much attention. I would see him at the gas station or maybe at the store. You know the feeling you get when you think someone is watching you. I would get that and look up and he would be looking at me. He wouldn’t look away. I got chills down my spine. What a creep, I thought.
Through the first few months, I would seem him every couple of weeks. As the year progressed, I would see him more and more. Recently, as I was falling apart and my lies were catching up to me, as my guilt and shame were eating at me, I was seeing him every day.
EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME.
NEVER LOOKING AWAY.
I finally was getting the courage to approach him and ask him what his deal is. That’s when he took the first step to me. I froze. Then, I ran.
I ran and here I am. In this thorn bush. Scratched and bleeding. Dying inside. Hiding from a man who wouldn’t quit following me.
As smart as I thought I was by throwing the rock into the water, he was smarter. As quiet as I thought I was being, he could still hear me. As dark as I thought my hiding place was, he still found me.
I, for the first time, took a good look at him. I mean, a really good look. I wanted to know who was going to end my days. That’s when I saw the crown of thorns around his head. He didn’t say a word. He just reached his hand down and by the light of the moon, I saw the scars on his. A sudden peace came over me and for some unknown reason, I reached out and took his hand.
The thorns parted as he pulled me up. My bleeding wounds stopped bleeding. It was like a giant boulder was taken off my shoulders.
“I forgive you.” In those three words that he said my heart changed. It was like clean air was poured into my dirty lungs. Tears of guilt were replaced with tears of joy.
I walked back home, with him by my side. I knew it may be a long road to recovery, but I knew I had to tell them. I knew they had to know the truth. I could not keep living with this.
I also knew with him there was no condemnation, no guilt, no shame. I had to believe that they would forgive me also. I had to hope and pray for a better future. No matter what happens, I knew I had to continue to walk with him, not run away from him.
I took a deep breath and walked into the house. I knew we would be okay. I knew that I would be a better man. I knew they would forgive me. I knew we would survive the lies. Even so, I knew this was going to hurt.
We rejoiced in another battle won. We have fought many over the last few months but this one was not only of joy but sorrow. We lost many good men today, and I take the blame. I am their leader and I did not lead well today. Something was wrong with me.
Looking back on my lifetime, I have fought many battles and I have never, not ever, not even once been nicked, scratched, cut or anything. I have walked away from all those battles unscathed. I have had men die, but they were far and few between. I have fought battles alone and never lost. The enemy could not touch me.
Some say God must have His hand on me. Some say that I am extremely lucky. I don’t believe in luck.
I have walked into cities that were destroyed by the black plague and I did not get sick. I have walked into small villages that were so decrepit that stray dogs would not even live there. In fact, I have never been sick a day in my life. Not a cough, not a fever, not even a single sniffle.
That all changed three days ago.
A few of my men and I were relaxing and drinking a few at the local bar. We parted ways and I started to go down an alley I had walked down hundreds of times. Immediately, the hairs on my arms and neck stood up. Something didn’t feel right. I drew my sword, prepared for battle. Two demons jumped from the shadows. I easily disposed of the first one. As I faced off against the second one, a thought came into my head. One that I never had before.
You can not win this one.
It came and was gone just as fast but it stopped me in my tracks. And in that second of delay, the demon swung his arm. I ducked but his long fingernails grazed my arm. I came back at it with an uppercut and then my sword sliced through his neck. His headless body fell at my feet and I was victorious again.
It was then I noticed I had been cut. My arm was bleeding. For the first time in my life, I felt pain.
I fell asleep that night and woke in a cold sweat. Nightmares came to me and I could not escape them. I could not fall back asleep. My heart was beating out of my chest and my head was on fire. I tried to get out of bed but my legs would not cooperate. I fell to the floor. I stayed there until the morning light.
Morning came and it was like nothing had happened. I picked myself up off the floor. My heart was beating normal, the fever gone. My strength was back. I wondered if it had all been a nightmare. My imagination was running wild.
It was Wednesday. Drill day. Every Wednesday when we were not in battle, my men and I had drill day. We went through the basic fundamentals of battle. Defense, offense, blocks, attacks, etc. We also did obstacle runs and uphill runs to make us stronger, to have more endurance than our enemy. I ran circles around my men. No one could ever keep up. But today, I had nothing. Halfway through I dropped to my knees, out of breath. Out of energy. What the heck? My men teased me until they saw my face. I was pale as a ghost. I fell on my back and grabbed my cut arm. It felt like it was on fire. My heart was racing. My men picked me up and we walked back to town. What was going on?
Then I heard the voice again, you can not win this one.
You don’t know who I am, I conquer everything and everyone, I replied to no one.
The next day we were attacked like we had never been attacked. So many demons. The battle lasted for two days and I made many mistakes. I could not think straight. I could not lead my men, I had no strength to do so. I should’ve put my second in command to the front, to lead, but I was too proud. I kept telling myself I can get through this like I have so many other battles. But this wasn’t like any other battle. We won but we lost a lot of men. A lot of good men and it’s all on me.
The fevers kept coming, my head was on fire. My heart beat irregularly. I couldn’t catch my breath if I walked more than a minute. Yet, I was too stubborn to see the sorceress or the doctor. Only weak people go to them. But yet, I could not shake what was happening to me.
You can not win this one.
I was getting sick of this voice. But I was getting more worried about the shape I was in. My people needed me, my town needed me. I had to give up and seek help. I could not do this on my own. I went to the doctor and all their fancy machines, medicine, and spells. I listened closely, the rest of my life depended on what they told me I had to do.
I am slowly getting better, but I have let others lead my men to battle. I have taken a step back so I can take a few steps forward. It is a long road to recovery, but the doctors say I will make it.
I have come to realize that I am only a mortal man. A man who knows I can only be immortal when I pass this from this life to meet my maker.
As I was writing part of this, I was listening to the new Building 429 cd and this song came on. Funny how God works.
I walked through this town I love so much and couldn’t believe my eyes. Everywhere I looked the city was in ruins. Every corner had something else wrong. Every block I walked all I saw was confusion. I went into my favorite store and had to take a step back. Something wasn’t right.
The buildings were still there. The architecture as beautiful as ever. It was the people. They were all walking around like robots. No one smiled. They all had the same blank stare. What happened to them? It’s like they were all….lost.
I smiled at a child. She smiled back. The mom looked at me like I was trying to kidnap her child. I smiled at her also but only received a glare in return.
I pulled out my phone to see if I missed some news on what is going on. I looked on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram but nothing. All I saw were pictures of people smiling. Posts about how great their lives were. Tweets about how happy they are. I looked up over my phone and didn’t see that.
I decided to reach out to the 87,654 friends/followers I have on social media. No one responded. I was getting concerned so I decided to text the 70 people in my contact list that I never call and talk to. Again, no one responded.
I decided to go get a hamburger and some fries and try to figure out what is happening. After I ate, I didn’t feel so well. Come to find out the hamburger I ate was laced with steroids and synthetic hormones that has caused hormonal cancer rates to rise. Then I found out this is banned in Europe, Japan, Australia and China but yet we serve it in my town.
I then decided to get something to drink. I couldn’t decide between Coke, Pepsi or Gatorade. I looked on the label and noticed all of them contained brominated vegetable oil. From my science days I knew bromine was used as a flame retardant. This builds up in our bodies and can cause nerve damage, memory loss, and other issues. This has also been banned in over 100 countries, including Europe and Japan but here it is in my town. I then found out that bromine is used in some of the breads I eat.
I see young children running around the streets like they don’t have a care. I see them getting what they want, doing what they want, taking what they want. Weren’t they taught to earn what they get? Weren’t they taught that sometimes waiting for something is better than getting it instantly? Where are the parents?
I stood on the corner and yelled as loud as I could “God, help me!” I knew God was here somewhere but I could not find Him. The corner across from me had people yelling “God does not exist. He is not here and never has been. There is no God.” I yelled right back. “My God is here. He does exists. He has always been here.” Next thing I know I am being told I can’t talk about God here. I protested and asked why can they say there is no God but I can’t say there is. I was told because they have the right of religious freedom.
It was time for me to take a walk. Try to clear my head. What was happening here?
God, are you there? Why are you allowing this to happen? Why is my town turning into this? Why are people hurting inside but pretend they are okay? Why are people doing wrong and don’t even act like it bothers them? Why, God, are you letting this happen?
God, where are you?
I ran and ran as far as I could. When I stopped I saw the most amazing bright light. I had never seen anything like it. A breeze picked up and I heard, “where are you?” I looked around but didn’t see anyone. Then I heard it again, “where are you?”
Then that voice said “I have searched for you. I have called out to you. I have rescued you from the depths of sin many times. I have forgiven you. Why do you hide in shame from me? Why do you run from me? Why do you only question me in the worst times of your life? Why do you not think of me in the best times? What is this you have done? Why are you here in this place? Who told you I wasn’t here? Who told you I didn’t love you?”
Then the bright light disappeared and was replaced with a mirror. I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection. I then only had one question to ask myself.
This didn’t turn out like I wanted but you can get the drift.
Ghosts and goblins don’t scare me.
Werewolves? Nah.
Vampires don’t either.
What about bears and lions you ask? Not in the least. Most of the time if they attack they are only protecting their territory or their young. Now I must say I have never been in front of a ten foot tall, mad mama bear but sitting here in the comfort of my home I am not afraid.
What about snakes? I will admit they get my heart going but not really afraid of them. Again, I have never come face to face with a black mamba or a king cobra but, for now, I can say I am not afraid.
Spiders? Not at all.
Most animals are the same. They wake up, they search for food and water, they sleep. Add breeding when it’s that time.
Monsters don’t scare me either. I mean if you can’t outrun Frankenstein or the Blob then shame on you. Yes, I know there are faster monsters out there but I am not scared.
You want to know what really scares me?
People.
People scare me more than anything else in this world.
They are unpredictable.
They can look you in the eye and lie to you.
They can say they will never let you down and two seconds later they let you down.
They can be your best friend one minute and your worst enemy the next.
They can take you for granted.
They can say they will love you til death parts you and then leave for someone else six months later.
They can do unimaginable things when they feel desperate. Back then into a corner and they can be worse than a king cobra.
They can hate you for no other reason than the way you look.
Yes people scare me more than ghosts and goblins. Yes they scare me more than any other thing in this world. But I have seen some hope.
I have seen people jump in front of a bullet to save a total stranger.
I have seen people spend hours in a hospital room holding a loved ones hand.
I have seen people give so much of their time to help the least of them.
People scare me. But I have hope. I have a dream that people will love more than they hate. That they will stand by their word. That when they commit they understand what that truly means.
People can be more unpredictable than any animal I know. But, unlike animals they can also do more good than they can imagine.
I have had enough. I could not take It anymore. I had tried and tried but no one would go with me. If no one will go with me, I will do it alone.
I don’t see things any differently than anyone else. They all see the world is falling apart. The difference is I couldn’t sit still and watch it get worse. I couldn’t stay quiet and let the evil keep talking.
You know what they say, there is no God, he isnt here, he doesnt care. If there was a God then why….If there was a God then where was he when….
Well, didn’t we ask him to leave? We took him out of schools, court, any kind of gathering. We let the minority rule. If one person doesn’t like it then no one can enjoy it. It’s no wonder suicides have increased, opioid epidemic, mass shootings, over the counter meds for anxiety, divorce.
Nothing is sacred anymore.
I left to face the demons on my own. It wasn’t long before they had gathered to defeat me.
I drew my sword and drew a line in the sand.
I said, “If you are not a believer, you can not cross this line.”
The demons smiled at me as they approached the line. “My dearest friend, do you not know, even we demons believe.”
The demons crossed the line and I took a step back. The demons drooled and laughed. “So, friend , you do fear us.”
To their surprise, I then took a step forward with a smile on my face.
“I am not your friend.”
I knew what they did not. The demons hesitated for a second but that’s all I needed.
I drew my sword but it was only for a diversion. The demons attacked.
The demons were so consumed with me that they didn’t notice the warrior angels that had surrounded them.
Walk On Water by 30 Seconds To Mars-
What It Comes Down To Me Is Me by Mark Bishop-
Fight Forever by Anthem Lights –
Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies) by Chris Tomlin –
My God, My Music, My Life 