From the time she could talk she was full of questions. And I, of course, was full of answers.
Why this, why that, where, when and who?
But as children often do, my daughter grew and grew and her questions became more elaborate.
Where are we going dad?
Nowhere.
Dad, what will we do when we get to nowhere?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Yeah, dad, I love going to nowhere with you and doing absolutely nothing. But I wonder, if we go nowhere and do nothing, does that make me a nobody?
Her questions were very deep so I thought for a second and told her she would never be a nobody. She is loved and cherished and will always be a somebody to me.
If I keep going south will I eventually be north?
As children often do, she grew and grew and her questions became more challenging.
Dad, if we get lost going to nowhere, will we end up somewhere? And when we get to somewhere, will we do something? But I wonder, if we go somewhere and do something, will I then be somebody?
Dad, can we get from here to there without going anywhere? And if we find anywhere, can we go there anytime? But I wonder, if we go anywhere anytime will I still be anybody to you?
If I ever find myself stuck between here and there and can’t find my way to you, will you come looking for me?
I couldn’t understand why her thoughts were taking her to these places but the only thing I could do was put my arms around her and reassure her no matter where she is or what time it is or what I am doing, I will always come and find her when she needed me.
But if I don’t tell you I need you, how will you know?
I will always pray that I will know but if for some reason I don’t know, I know a father who loves you more than even I do who will always be there for you even if I, for some inexplicable reason, get lost and am a little late in getting there.
Thanks dad, but what if I meant to go nowhere but ended up somewhere doing everything I know I shouldn’t do, would you still love me then? Would you go everywhere and do something, anything, to bring me back to someplace where you always are?
Not a doubt in mind that I would go everywhere and do something, anything, anytime to bring you back to nowhere so we could do nothing.
If the sun sets in the west will it always be dark the more west I go?
Just remember, dear daughter, no matter how many steps you take into the darkness, it only takes one to turn around and see the light.
If I’m doing nothing am I really doing something and can I be doing something but actually be doing nothing?
As children often do, my daughter grew and grew. As she grew it was my arms that became empty, as she no longer wanted me to hold her and it was my heart that shattered to pieces, as it seemed she longer wanted it to beat for her.
I would knock on her door and ask, “Would you like to go nowhere today and do nothing?” To which she would just sigh and say “Dad, I’m not a little girl anymore.”
I would give her some time and distance and then I would knock on her door and ask, “Would you like to go somewhere sometime today and do something?”
To which she would reply, “Dad, I’m busy doing other things today.”
But I could tell something was going on, but I didn’t want to seem pushy, but I knew she needed me.
I gave her more time and more distance, even though it was killing me to see her so sad.
One day I knocked on her door and said, “My daughter, when you find yourself nowhere doing nothing and wanting to go somewhere to be somebody but you can’t seem to go anywhere any of the time remember I love you everywhere every second of every day simply because you are you and that’s enough.”
She gave me a sad smile and a thanks dad.
Then I heard a voice telling me time and distance isn’t what she needs, she needs closeness and love even though it isn’t what she says.
I went and I knocked on her door and she was crying. I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. After a few minutes and a very wet shirt later, she calmed down and looked up at me and I looked into those beautiful brown eyes as she asked me a question I had been wanting to hear for so long.
“Dad, do you think we could go nowhere?”
I smiled and asked, “Daughter, what will we do when we get there?”
Then she smiled back and said, “I was thinking we would do nothing dad, absolutely nothing.”
“Daughter, there is no place I would rather be than nowhere doing absolutely nothing with you.”
Kylie and I were driving to Florida for spring break and while she was driving, I looked at her and these words started pouring into my mind.
Yes, these kids have had good times and lots of good memories, but these kids have had to deal with more than any kid should have to deal with. According to National Institute Of Mental Health, 31.9% of teenagers this year have some sort of anxiety disorder (38% female, 26.1% male).
Talk to your children. Plant the seeds that you are there for them and they are not alone. They may resist, but the seeds will be sown.
Graduation day, closing out our senior year
I try to smile but can’t help to shed some tears
We had good times but I remember those not here
There’s Jenny who was bullied in 7th grade
Took her life the very next day
Tom and Sarah who didn’t believe they had something to say
8th grade was the last time they were alive
9th grade was Julie who thought it was better to die
Than live through the rumors of her having sex that Friday night
Corbin died of COVID, cancer took Brandon home
That was in 10th and for awhile I felt isolated and alone
I started to wonder if anyone is truly ever known
Then 2021 we went back to school but then there was a school shooting then another
In a school a few miles away, I lost five friends who ran but didn’t make cover
There are things you can heal from and then there are things you can’t recover
Those two years took a lot from me, I kept silent when I had words to say
Some days I felt alive, others I didn’t want to stay awake
Then eight weeks ago a drunk driver didn’t hit the brakes
Killed my best friend and her family driving on one last family trip
I’m mad, sad, confused, losing my grip
A valedictorian should show leadership
But I’m standing in front of the crowd
It’s so quiet, won’t anyone make a sound ?
My tears start to come and my heart pounds
I try to gather myself because that’s what I’m expected to do
And I think can anyone else see what I’m going through
Do they know how much this hurts losing them, losing you ?
It was one last trip to the beach
Friends forever, you and me
Roommates at Ohio University
I look out again at the crowd and step away
I can’t do this today, or any day
I scream to release the pain
It was supposed to be you and me
The best of the best of the class of ‘23
You are a part of me, you’ll never be only a memory
Wow! It is hard to believe this was 17 months ago. I wanted to repost it to encourage others to not give up. It is a slow, long process to get from where I was to where I am. Take small steps each day. If you take a step back, do not beat yourself up, give yourself grace. One of the biggest things I have learned is YOU have to do the work. God can tell you what you need to do, your therapist/counselor can tell you what to do, but until YOU do the work, you will not heal and live the way you are meant to live. If God or someone told you to be entirely healed, no more depression, anxiety, self doubt, not liking yourself, etc. you must walk 12 hours a day for the next 7 days, I am betting there are not many people that would do that work, even though they know after 7 days they will be healed.
It is up to you and you are stronger than your storm, braver than the battles you fight, and you are worth it. Believe it!!
Since early September, I’ve been seeing a therapist
Thought I’d knock some things off my list
I knew I had one or two, no more than three
But inside of my head is a scary place to be
The monsters in my head
Have been fed and fed
I found things I forgot I lost
Buried deep, but at a cost
Didn’t want to talk but I spilled my guts
Didn’t know I was this messed up
Often putting myself in solitary
To find out I’m my own worst adversary
I’ve had walls built so high
I forgot what was locked inside
They say scars make you stronger but they hurt like hell
I never knew I had so many stories to tell
Didn’t know I was broken until those words were spoken
Here I am standing on the ledge hopin’
Someone, anyone will pull me back
But I don’t think I know anyone like that
Can you hear me shout?
My silence is so loud
Slowly we’ve been tearing some of those walls down
A little hope but, at times, I felt as if I would drown
We all grieve in our own way
I kept throwing things in an open grave
Tossing my feelings and emotions inside
Always looking for a place to hide
No fears, no tears for too many years
All the while, collecting a lot of souvenirs
But those souvenirs were really just debris
Weighing me down, keeping me from being me
Little did I know they were tearing my world apart
All those things that were hidden in the dark
I’m starting to see in a new light
I know my life’s worth the fight
I still don’t know what’s on the other side of the door
But I’ll take the next step forward to be healthier than before
Citizen Soldier is one of my favorite bands and most of their songs I feel like they were inside my head when they wrote them so here are some of their songs.
But l, like you, was too wrapped up in my own screen
To look up and reach out to tell you how much you mean to me
But in the end I guess you are just a little stronger
And you’ve been able to fight a little longer
But for me, well this was my last night
The darkness claimed victory over the light
And maybe I shouldn’t have smiled through the pain
And maybe I shouldn’t have hidden these thoughts in my brain
Maybe you wouldn’t have thought I was going insane
And maybe you could’ve broke me free from these chains
But a lot of maybes I guess we’ll never know
I miss who I was not so long ago
I wish you could see these tears roll down my face
But man, there’s so many things I can’t erase
And I know sorry will never be enough
I wish, I wish I felt like I was loved
But you know, it’s not like anyone will miss me
When was the last time anyone even reached out to me?
I mean, you really had to know
I was taking blow after blow
And you had to know I got up each time a little slower
And you had to see I was holding my head a little lower
You had to see I smiled a whole lot less
I mean, I was a total freaking mess
Not even Instagram could hide my sadness
And my Tik Tok’s were borderline madness
Hey, I’ve even scheduled posts three months ahead
I might even be instafamous after I’m dead
At least for a day or two
Then it’ll again be all about you
I mean my writings went from hope and faith to despair
But not one person reached out to care
A pity party this is not
Like me, it’ll be so easily forgot
Like I said, I get it, you’ve got your own likes to get
But I hope , unlike me, you can live without regrets
You know, it wouldn’t hurt to get away from the screen
Be a good friend, a real relationship, one last piece of advice from me
And I know you are busy, got your own life to live
But man, I hope God really does forgive
Don’t get me wrong , it’s not all on you
These demons I have are a wicked crew
Maybe I should’ve told you all this before tonight
But it really wasn’t until a minute ago I gave up the fight
I always felt like I’d have more time
But sometimes you are out of rhymes
I wish I never felt the things that I have felt
But I feel like I didn’t know how to ask for help
(In case anyone thinks this is a goodbye note, it is not. I am still here but these thoughts are in my head. We all know someone who is hurting but we are afraid to reach out and dig deep and make that connection. Challenge this weekend is to put your phones down, go knock on a neighbor’s door and ask them how they are doing. Buy a pizza and sit down together and talk. Who knows, you might just save a life.)
You Will Be Found by Ben Platt –
A Place Called Earth by Jon Foreman/ Lauren Daigle –
I do not understand this world we live in, why someone has to take a gun to a school or a mall or a job and shoot innocent people. Sometimes you just want to crawl into a corner and cry. Do whatever you have to do to take that mental health break. Take a moment, take a breath, take a step forward.
We’ve been hurting for so long
But we keep singing the same song
And maybe I’m wrong
I’m done watching the news
I’m going to turn off the tv
Take some time for me
I’m not going to apologize
For not listening to the lies
Putting it all in a box
Praying it will all stop
Cause there’s been enough hurt for today
Not much else for me to say
I know it’s not going to go away
Maybe it’s only a delay
Finding some alone time to pray
Cause there’s been enough hurt for today
Not going to think about tomorrow
All the hate, all the sorrow
I know there’s more for me to know
Not going to think about the shootings
The virus, the death, the violence, the looting
Need a win, tired of the losing
Going to think about something else
May be selfish, but need to heal myself
Been living too long in the dark
Need a cure for my broken heart
Cause there’s been enough hurt for today
Not much else for me to say
I know it’s not going to go away
Maybe it’s only a delay
Finding some alone time to pray
Cause there’s been enough hurt for today
Maybe I’m only hitting pause
Hoping we’re not a lost cause
We are all broken , yet chosen
Praying we can get through this moment
Cause there’s been enough hurt for today
Not much else for me to say
I know it’s not going to go away
Maybe it’s only a delay
Finding some alone time to pray
Cause there’s been enough hurt for today
Good Day by Apollo LTD –
Gospel Song by Rhett Walker –
Fires by Jordan St. Cyr –
We All Need Jesus by Danny Gokey & Koryn Hawthorne –
I was hoping to have some new Christmas stories this year but I have a lot going on so will repost my old ones in the next few weeks. I might be able to get one new one out I started but I have other fish to fry. And I apologize for not having the time to reading other posts. Sometimes some things have to give to make room for something else and unfortunately it always seems to go back to reading and writing are the easiest things to give up.
Since early September, I’ve been seeing a therapist
Thought I’d knock some things off my list
I knew I had one or two, no more than three
But inside of my head is a scary place to be
The monsters in my head
Have been fed and fed
I found things I forgot I lost
Buried deep, but at a cost
Didn’t want to talk but I spilled my guts
Didn’t know I was this messed up
Often putting myself in solitary
To find out I’m my own worst adversary
I’ve had walls built so high
I forgot what was locked inside
They say scars make you stronger but they hurt like hell
I never knew I had so many stories to tell
Didn’t know I was broken until those words were spoken
Here I am standing on the ledge hopin’
Someone, anyone will pull me back
But I don’t think I know anyone like that
Can you hear me shout?
My silence is so loud
Slowly we’ve been tearing some of those walls down
A little hope but, at times, I felt as if I would drown
We all grieve in our own way
I kept throwing things in an open grave
Tossing my feelings and emotions inside
Always looking for a place to hide
No fears, no tears for too many years
All the while, collecting a lot of souvenirs
But those souvenirs were really just debris
Weighing me down, keeping me from being me
Little did I know they were tearing my world apart
All those things that were hidden in the dark
I’m starting to see in a new light
I know my life’s worth the fight
I still don’t know what’s on the other side of the door
But I’ll take the next step forward to be healthier than before
Citizen Soldier is one of my favorite bands and most of their songs I feel like they were inside my head when they wrote them so here are some of their songs.
My God, My Music, My Life 