Wow! It is hard to believe this was 17 months ago. I wanted to repost it to encourage others to not give up. It is a slow, long process to get from where I was to where I am. Take small steps each day. If you take a step back, do not beat yourself up, give yourself grace. One of the biggest things I have learned is YOU have to do the work. God can tell you what you need to do, your therapist/counselor can tell you what to do, but until YOU do the work, you will not heal and live the way you are meant to live. If God or someone told you to be entirely healed, no more depression, anxiety, self doubt, not liking yourself, etc. you must walk 12 hours a day for the next 7 days, I am betting there are not many people that would do that work, even though they know after 7 days they will be healed.
It is up to you and you are stronger than your storm, braver than the battles you fight, and you are worth it. Believe it!!
Since early September, I’ve been seeing a therapist
Thought I’d knock some things off my list
I knew I had one or two, no more than three
But inside of my head is a scary place to be
The monsters in my head
Have been fed and fed
I found things I forgot I lost
Buried deep, but at a cost
Didn’t want to talk but I spilled my guts
Didn’t know I was this messed up
Often putting myself in solitary
To find out I’m my own worst adversary
I’ve had walls built so high
I forgot what was locked inside
They say scars make you stronger but they hurt like hell
I never knew I had so many stories to tell
Didn’t know I was broken until those words were spoken
Here I am standing on the ledge hopin’
Someone, anyone will pull me back
But I don’t think I know anyone like that
Can you hear me shout?
My silence is so loud
Slowly we’ve been tearing some of those walls down
A little hope but, at times, I felt as if I would drown
We all grieve in our own way
I kept throwing things in an open grave
Tossing my feelings and emotions inside
Always looking for a place to hide
No fears, no tears for too many years
All the while, collecting a lot of souvenirs
But those souvenirs were really just debris
Weighing me down, keeping me from being me
Little did I know they were tearing my world apart
All those things that were hidden in the dark
I’m starting to see in a new light
I know my life’s worth the fight
I still don’t know what’s on the other side of the door
But I’ll take the next step forward to be healthier than before
Citizen Soldier is one of my favorite bands and most of their songs I feel like they were inside my head when they wrote them so here are some of their songs.
Charlie was just a young puppy when he chased his first car. Charlie loved the thrill of chasing cars. Charlie wondered what would happen when he caught one.
Charlie grew bigger and faster. Charlie ran every day to build up his strength to catch a car. Charlie didn’t have time to play with other dogs. Any dog that tried to get close to Charlie, Charlie would run over on his way to try to catch another car.
Then one day, Charlie was chasing a car when he saw Bella. The world stopped for Charlie. Charlie didn’t think about chasing cars as much.
Charlie and Bella fell in love. Charlie and Bella started having puppies. Charlie and Bella were happy. Charlie started to worry about how he could provide for them.
Charlie started chasing cars again. Charlie ran and ran. Charlie would stay out late chasing cars.
Charlie and Bella started to fight. Bella was left all alone while Charlie chased cars. Charlie’s kids wanted him to be home more. Charlie’s kids wanted to spend time with their dad.
Charlie kept chasing cars.
Then one day it happened. Charlie caught a car. Charlie was so happy. Charlie thought I finally did it. But in that same moment, Charlie had another thought.
Now what?
Charlie realized he had made it to the top but that he had destroyed his life. Charlie had no friends. Charlie and Bella didn’t talk anymore. Charlie didn’t know what his kids were like.
Charlie was miserable at the top. All the long hours, all the sacrifices, all the birthdays he missed to get there.
Charlie wished he didn’t want to chase cars. Charlie wished he could do things differently. Charlie wondered if they would ever forgive him.
This is one I first posted in 2018, reposted in 2020 and for some reason, I keep getting a pull to repost it so here it is. Over the years it has been one of my most viewed so maybe the pull I am feeling is that someone will read it that needs forgiveness or needs to give forgiveness, that needs to heal. (And I realize that maybe, just maybe, the pull is for myself to grow, forgive, and heal.)
Your Rose Garden
I watched you for what seemed like hours as you tended to your rose garden. I never understood why you would want to have so many roses and why you would want to spend so much time out there. You would always say you loved the way the dirt smelled. You would spend countless summer days bent over the garden, sweat dripping from your brow, pulling the weeds and pruning the roses. You would come inside sweaty, dirty, and looking exhausted but you always had a smile on your face.
I don’t get it, I would say. You would reply, what’s their to get. It’s my time to do what I love and it’s my time I spend all alone with God. You should hear the conversations we have. I would always reply I don’t know if I want to and we would laugh.
Even in the dark cold days of winter you would get bundled up and go outside to walk the path through your garden. Talking to them, touching their dead branches. Of course, I didn’t get that either. Why on earth? You would always say that they aren’t dead. There is life inside of them. They are like a lot of people in this world. Walking dead but there is life in them. It’s up to us to bring that life out. Waiting patiently, for today they may appear dead but with tomorrow there is always hope that kindness, love, and compassion will give them life.
You were like that. You had a natural beauty that I was instantly attracted to but it was your inner beauty that would light up my heart. You could walk into a dark room and it would be like someone turned on the lights.
It is the type of person you were.
Until one day you were taken from me. A teenager was texting and driving and ran into you. Neither of you survived. God needed his angel back and I had to pay the price. At your funeral the pastor recited your favorite bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Forget you God. If this is your plan then I don’t want any part of it. I looked out the back window and saw your rose garden. In my grief, I ran outside and I pulled and broke and cut every rose bush. I screamed and hollered your name. I screamed at God.
Out of breath, cut, scratched, and bleeding from the thorns, I dropped to my knees and let my tears water the lifeless dirt.
Summer turned to winter and, like the days , my heart grew darker and colder. I didn’t know how to live without you. I didn’t want to live without you. God should’ve taken me with you. My pain was too much to bear.
I looked out the window and saw the bare garden. I finally understood what you meant. Even if they appeared dead, at least they were still there. Now there was nothing but bare dirt. I grieved more as I recalled that day I destroyed what you loved.
As seasons go, winter turned to spring. We had an early spring this year. I looked out the window and could not believe my eyes. Somehow in the very back of the garden, barely visible from where I stood, a rose bush had survived and now had two roses blooming.
I ran outside as fast as I could. I had to touch them to see if they were real. As I did, I could swear I caught a faint scent of you. Then in the spring breeze I could swear I heard your laughter. I immediately dropped to my knees and grabbed a handful of dirt. It smelled so full of life.
In that moment, I felt my heart start to beat again.
I went out and bought as many rose bushes as I could find. There had to be at least a hundred of them and I was going to fix what I destroyed.
I was going to fix your rose garden.
I labored for hours that first day. I went to bed exhausted, sore and smelling like dirt but I woke up refreshed, ready to start again.
But, I realized I could not do it on my own.
I looked at my phone, hesitant to dial their number. I dialed anyway. I called the teenagers parents and they came over to help.
I think all of us healed a little bit that day.
I watched every day as your garden came back to life. I spent hours out there talking to you. I slowly learned to talk to God again.
Summer rolled around and I was in the garden every day. Sweat rolling off every inch of my body but it was okay. I stood up to take a break and I swear I felt your hand touch mine. I closed my eyes remembering what your touch felt like. I looked down at my hand, but yours was not there. I started to lift it up when a beautiful butterfly landed in my palm. Then a sliver of light fell right on it, giving it its own spotlight. I smiled, then the butterfly fluttered toward my face and touched my cheek, as if giving me a kiss. Then it flew to a nearby rose and I did something I hadn’t done in a long time.
I said your name out loud.
Then a summer breeze picked up and I swear I heard it carry your laughter. Tears fell down my face but I smiled.
In your rose garden I found life again. I found you again. I found God again.
I miss you every minute of every day but it was right there and then that I knew I would never be alone.
Every year, for a week or two, depending on the weather, we can be in awe of the amazingly beautiful cherry blossoms. I have never seen them in person but when I see pictures of them or see them on tv, they are beautiful.
Are they more beautiful because they come at the end of a long winter ? Are they more beautiful because they give us hope for a future of warm days and sunshine? Would they be as beautiful if they bloomed in July instead of late March?
And then, in the blink of an eye, they are gone and replaced by green.
And that my friends, got me thinking. About a lot of things really. How fleeting is life, relationships, our children growing up, etc etc.
But what it really got me thinking about is our society.
How we bounce from one thing to another without, at least to me, making much change. Someone or something happens and it’s all you hear about for a week or two and then someone or something else happens and the first thing is in the background or gone altogether but nothing ever changed from it. The issue is still there, we have moved on from it to something else.
And eventually, we come full circle and go through the same problems again, over and over.
And we have been doing it this way for decades and I don’t have the answers to fix it. I can only write about how I see it.
Then, as I’m thinking and looking at pictures, I noticed there in the background, meandering slowly through the picture, is the Potomac River.
But the river name doesn’t matter because all rivers are the same.
All rivers are created by smaller streams, creeks, etc flowing into them making one body of water that are no longer separated, but must work together to flow throughout its life.
And in any river you will have rocks and boulders and banks to navigate in and out and around and through.
But then the river comes back together as one.
Which is the point I’m getting to.
What if we always remembered that we, as a society, are the river. We come from different places, different walks of life, we have different beliefs and we talk differently, but we are all living here together and if we flowed together like the river does, then the beauty of the cherry blossoms would not be fleeting.
What if we remembered the hurt, remembered the pain, remembered the love and remembered the beauty of all of us and all of the world.
It’s easy to get used to seeing the beauty of a sunset until we wake up one day and realize we haven’t noticed it in months.
We have to be intentional.
Because when we can learn to live together as one, the beauty of life and how we should live it, the humanity that flows from the river that feeds the cherry blossoms will be as beautiful as cherry blossoms every day, all year round.
I see trees of green, and roses in bloom, And I think to myself, what a wonderful world we can have.
It was a long, cold, dark winter. One that she didn’t think would ever end. There was snow, rain, and sleet. A couple of times there was enough ice to nearly break the branches on the trees. The little girl held on. She waited for the warmer weather, the better times, the warmth of the sun. She knew it would come, it was just a matter of time. As she waited patiently, she would say her prayers, she would thank God for protecting her and her mommy and daddy during these cold, dark, winter nights.
Finally, the day had come. The first bud of spring appeared out of the ground. The bud peeked out of her shoot and could feel the warmth surround her. She was filled with so much joy that, at first, she didn’t notice she was the only bud sprouting. After basking in the warmth of the sunshine for a few minutes she looked around, startled that she was the only one. Where was everyone else? Was she going to be all alone? Did she come out too soon? Was colder weather coming back and she would die because of her eagerness to sprout? She was filled with fear and doubt but she stayed strong. She knew God had a plan for her. It was then that a little girl saw her and started yelling for her dad to come see the new flower. The little girl was so excited that the bud could not help but smile. Her excitement was contagious.
A little while later another bud awakened. He also took a moment to take in the warmth around him. He then looked to see if the others had awakened and that was when he saw her. She was within inches of him and he knew he would love her. It didn’t take long for her to notice him either, even though it took the help of a little girl yelling “Look, daddy, now there’s two!”
They welcomed the spring with all the other buds that started to awaken. With all the other flowers around them, they knew they were meant for each other. When the rains came, he would lean towards her to cover her petals. When the strong winds came they would lean into it together, holding stems. They were inseparable. When the bees came they opened their petals for them so they could spread their seeds to other lands where there were no flowers. They also knew that the bees relied on their pollen to take back to their hives for food. It was a beneficial relationship. Everything was new and exciting.
Then summer came. It was a scorching summer, one like they had never seen. There was no water. Many flowers died but not our couple. They shared what they had with each other. Every little drop of moisture was shared between them. Luckily, they were also planted where they had shade for part of the day. They counted the hours down together until they were cooled by the shade. Every once in awhile the little girl would come out with a can of water and water them, helping to keep them alive. They were often too tired to open their petals wide enough for the bees to come but they did their best. They knew the only way to survive this summer was with the help of others. They prayed their prayers for rain, for cooler temperatures but it was not to be. Sometimes in life, God doesn’t answer prayers and there are reasons only He knows why. They had reached a point in their relationship that they were still together, but they didn’t talk much. Too much too worry about, too much life got in the way. When was their next rain drop, how would they make it through another day without food, why couldn’t they be like they were in the spring? Did they waste this whole season of their life? They knew better because they still shared the little water they had, they still protected each other but the excitement was gone.
Before they knew it Autumn was here. They had made it through the difficult summer and were enjoying another season of their life. The rains came again, as well as cooler weather. When he looked at her she was still the most beautiful, most loving, most caring flower in the garden. When she looked at him he was still the bravest, strongest, most handsome flower this side of Eden. They held each other’s petals more each day, knowing that their days were winding down. They reflected on the spring and the summer. Days when their love was new and days when they didn’t know if they would make it. They thought of their seeds spread far and wide, soon to be new flowers that would spread their love and beauty around the world. It wasn’t easy, they had moments of doubt but they fought for each other, they fought for their love. They survived.
Soon the cold winds blew again. They held on for as long as they could but with each passing day, their petals would fall off. They knew it wouldn’t be long now but they held on for each struggling moment. Relying on each other to get by. Praying for just one more second. She was the first to go, as she was the first to sprout. He wasn’t far behind her.
The little girl, all bundled up from the cold, looked at her daddy and said, “Look, daddy, the first two here are the last two to leave. I wonder if they were happy here, I wonder if they were in love.”
“Now, now,” said the daddy, “we know flowers can’t fall in love but if they could, those two would definitely have been like me and your mom. Through all the seasons and all the weather, the rain, the sun, the cold, they were standing right beside each other. Holding petals all the while.”
The little girl giggled. Through the cold, dark, winter nights she was safe as she anxiously waited for the first bud of spring to blossom again.
My God, My Music, My Life 