Inside My Head (Seeing A Therapist)

Wow! It is hard to believe this was 17 months ago. I wanted to repost it to encourage others to not give up. It is a slow, long process to get from where I was to where I am. Take small steps each day. If you take a step back, do not beat yourself up, give yourself grace. One of the biggest things I have learned is YOU have to do the work. God can tell you what you need to do, your therapist/counselor can tell you what to do, but until YOU do the work, you will not heal and live the way you are meant to live. If God or someone told you to be entirely healed, no more depression, anxiety, self doubt, not liking yourself, etc. you must walk 12 hours a day for the next 7 days, I am betting there are not many people that would do that work, even though they know after 7 days they will be healed.

It is up to you and you are stronger than your storm, braver than the battles you fight, and you are worth it. Believe it!!

Since early September, I’ve been seeing a therapist

Thought I’d knock some things off my list

I knew I had one or two, no more than three

But inside of my head is a scary place to be

The monsters in my head

Have been fed and fed

I found things I forgot I lost

Buried deep, but at a cost

Didn’t want to talk but I spilled my guts

Didn’t know I was this messed up

Often putting myself in solitary

To find out I’m my own worst adversary

I’ve had walls built so high

I forgot what was locked inside

They say scars make you stronger but they hurt like hell

I never knew I had so many stories to tell

Didn’t know I was broken until those words were spoken

Here I am standing on the ledge hopin’

Someone, anyone will pull me back

But I don’t think I know anyone like that

Can you hear me shout?

My silence is so loud

Slowly we’ve been tearing some of those walls down

A little hope but, at times, I felt as if I would drown

We all grieve in our own way

I kept throwing things in an open grave

Tossing my feelings and emotions inside

Always looking for a place to hide

No fears, no tears for too many years

All the while, collecting a lot of souvenirs

But those souvenirs were really just debris

Weighing me down, keeping me from being me

Little did I know they were tearing my world apart

All those things that were hidden in the dark

I’m starting to see in a new light

I know my life’s worth the fight

I still don’t know what’s on the other side of the door

But I’ll take the next step forward to be healthier than before

Citizen Soldier is one of my favorite bands and most of their songs I feel like they were inside my head when they wrote them so here are some of their songs.

Bedroom Ceiling-

I’m Not Okay-

If I Surrender-

Hand Me Down-

Weight Of The World-

Stronger Than My Storm-

Invisible-

Would Anyone Care? –

Just Be Happy-

Fire Alarm, Fire Alarm

Fire alarm, fire alarm, why do you hate me so?

Why, at 1 and 4 am, do you think there’s fire and smoke?

Is it because I forgot to change your battery?

Is that a reason to be that cruel to me?

Why not remind me at 7 or 9 pm on a Monday?

Is it because this is the game you like to play?

I’ve got news for you, even though I lost ten minutes of sleep

I will have a great day, my grateful attitude I will keep

Especially when I saw this beautiful sunrise

Fire alarm, fire alarm, I’m thankful you’re here to save my life

Charlie Chases Cars

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Charlie was just a young puppy when he chased his first car. Charlie loved the thrill of chasing cars. Charlie wondered what would happen when he caught one.

Charlie grew bigger and faster. Charlie ran every day to build up his strength to catch a car. Charlie didn’t have time to play with other dogs. Any dog that tried to get close to Charlie, Charlie would run over on his way to try to catch another car.

Then one day, Charlie was chasing a car when he saw Bella. The world stopped for Charlie. Charlie didn’t think about chasing cars as much.

Charlie and Bella fell in love. Charlie and Bella started having puppies. Charlie and Bella were happy. Charlie started to worry about how he could provide for them.

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Charlie started chasing cars again. Charlie ran and ran. Charlie would stay out late chasing cars.

Charlie and Bella started to fight. Bella was left all alone while Charlie chased cars. Charlie’s kids wanted him to be home more. Charlie’s kids wanted to spend time with their dad.

Charlie kept chasing cars.

Then one day it happened. Charlie caught a car. Charlie was so happy. Charlie thought I finally did it. But in that same moment, Charlie had another thought.

Now what?

Charlie realized he had made it to the top but that he had destroyed his life. Charlie had no friends. Charlie and Bella didn’t talk anymore. Charlie didn’t know what his kids were like.

Charlie was miserable at the top. All the long hours, all the sacrifices, all the birthdays he missed to get there.

Charlie wished he didn’t want to chase cars. Charlie wished he could do things differently. Charlie wondered if they would ever forgive him.

Charlie didn’t want to chase cars anymore.

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Cat’s In The Cradle by Harry Chapin – 

Lose My Soul by Tobymac-  

Just Another Birthday by Casting Crowns – 

Love I Leave Behind by Hannah Kerr – 

Without You by For King & Country – 

How Could You Leave Us by NF – 

Without Love by Bon Jovi – 

Your Rose Garden

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This is one I first posted in 2018, reposted in 2020 and for some reason, I keep getting a pull to repost it so here it is. Over the years it has been one of my most viewed so maybe the pull I am feeling is that someone will read it that needs forgiveness or needs to give forgiveness, that needs to heal. (And I realize that maybe, just maybe, the pull is for myself to grow, forgive, and heal.)

Your Rose Garden

I watched you for what seemed like hours as you tended to your rose garden. I never understood why you would want to have so many roses and why you would want to spend so much time out there. You would always say you loved the way the dirt smelled. You would spend countless summer days bent over the garden, sweat dripping from your brow, pulling the weeds and pruning the roses. You would come inside sweaty, dirty, and looking exhausted but you always had a smile on your face.

I don’t get it, I would say. You would reply, what’s their to get. It’s my time to do what I love and it’s my time I spend all alone with God. You should hear the conversations we have. I would always reply I don’t know if I want to and we would laugh.

Even in the dark cold days of winter you would get bundled up and go outside to walk the path through your garden. Talking to them, touching their dead branches. Of course, I didn’t get that either. Why on earth? You would always say that they aren’t dead. There is life inside of them. They are like a lot of people in this world. Walking dead but there is life in them. It’s up to us to bring that life out. Waiting patiently, for today they may appear dead but with tomorrow there is always hope that kindness, love, and compassion will give them life.

30 Ways to Incorporate Roses into Your Backyard

You were like that. You had a natural beauty that I was instantly attracted to but it was your inner beauty that would light up my heart. You could walk into a dark room and it would be like someone turned on the lights.

It is the type of person you were.

Until one day you were taken from me. A teenager was texting and driving and ran into you. Neither of you survived. God needed his angel back and I had to pay the price. At your funeral the pastor recited your favorite bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Forget you God. If this is your plan then I don’t want any part of it. I looked out the back window and saw your rose garden. In my grief, I ran outside and I pulled and broke and cut every rose bush. I screamed and hollered your name. I screamed at God.

Out of breath, cut, scratched, and bleeding from the thorns, I dropped to my knees and let my tears water the lifeless dirt.

Summer turned to winter and, like the days , my heart grew darker and colder. I didn’t know how to live without you. I didn’t want to live without you. God should’ve taken me with you. My pain was too much to bear.

I looked out the window and saw the bare garden. I finally understood what you meant. Even if they appeared dead, at least they were still there. Now there was nothing but bare dirt. I grieved more as I recalled that day I destroyed what you loved.

Pin on In The Name Of The Father,Son And Holy Ghost Amen

As seasons go, winter turned to spring. We had an early spring this year. I looked out the window and could not believe my eyes. Somehow in the very back of the garden, barely visible from where I stood, a rose bush had survived and now had two roses blooming.

I ran outside as fast as I could. I had to touch them to see if they were real. As I did, I could swear I caught a faint scent of you. Then in the spring breeze I could swear I heard your laughter. I immediately dropped to my knees and grabbed a handful of dirt. It smelled so full of life.

In that moment, I felt my heart start to beat again.

I went out and bought as many rose bushes as I could find. There had to be at least a hundred of them and I was going to fix what I destroyed.

I was going to fix your rose garden.

I labored for hours that first day. I went to bed exhausted, sore and smelling like dirt but I woke up refreshed, ready to start again.

But, I realized I could not do it on my own.

I looked at my phone, hesitant to dial their number. I dialed anyway. I called the teenagers parents and they came over to help.

I think all of us healed a little bit that day.

Finding Healing Through Forgiveness

I watched every day as your garden came back to life. I spent hours out there talking to you. I slowly learned to talk to God again.

Summer rolled around and I was in the garden every day. Sweat rolling off every inch of my body but it was okay. I stood up to take a break and I swear I felt your hand touch mine. I closed my eyes remembering what your touch felt like. I looked down at my hand, but yours was not there. I started to lift it up when a beautiful butterfly landed in my palm. Then a sliver of light fell right on it, giving it its own spotlight. I smiled, then the butterfly fluttered toward my face and touched my cheek, as if giving me a kiss. Then it flew to a nearby rose and I did something I hadn’t done in a long time.

I said your name out loud. 

Then a summer breeze picked up and I swear I heard it carry your laughter. Tears fell down my face but I smiled.

In your rose garden I found life again. I found you again. I found God again.

I miss you every minute of every day but it was right there and then that I knew I would never be alone.

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Forgiveness by Matthew West –

Sometimes I Wish I Wasn’t Me

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

That inside I could be ugly

That I could cheat and lie

But I know if I did, a part of me would die

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

And I didn’t take care of my responsibilities

That I could go and buy the next big thing

But if I did, I know happiness it would not bring

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

That I didn’t have morals or integrity

That I didn’t believe in what I believe

But then I wonder who would I be?

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

That I had the ability to deceive

But then I would wish I was somebody else

Because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

That I didn’t love so easily

That I could use people for my pleasure

But if I did I would feel terrible, not better

Sometime I wish I wasn’t me

I wish I could crawl into the dark and never leave

But I know there’s a fighter deep inside

That would never let me give up my life

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

But those times are only paragraphs of my story

And I have entire chapters full of history

Of why I’m thankful I am me

Don’t Forget To Live

This is a song I wrote for Kylie, a little advice from dad before she heads out into the world.

I hope you enjoy the memories as much as I had helping to make them.

From the mouth of Zach Bryan, I hope you don’t hate it.

We May Never See

Living in a world

We don’t want to see

Too much hurt and pain

Is our reality

Turn off the news

It doesn’t go away

It’s right next door

Seems like it’s here to stay

But I put pen to paper

Write out a few words

Maybe someone will read it

And it’ll help heal the hurt

No one’s perfect, we’ve all done wrong

We’re all paying for someone else’s crime

There’s a time to grieve and a time to grow

We all only have so much time

We all know right from wrong

We all have to live with our mistakes

We all have demons fighting to live

Do you sleep sound in the bed you make?

We all have hurt and pain

We all live in the dark and the light

We all have a choice to forgive

We all can give up or we can fight

We can be bridges or steps, too many are steps

Taking from others to raise themselves up

But being a bridge requires work to connect the gaps

We need more bridges connecting others with love

I’ve never been in your shoes

You’ve never been in mine

We’re not that different

We’re all trying to get through life

A little empathy can go a long way

A simple smile can be a spark

Thoughts matter but action is a verb

A kind word can heal a broken heart

We can all use a little help

I know we’ve turned into an instant culture

But we’re not building on solid foundations

Shifting sand only causes fallen structures

The wind blows and the water rises

And our what ifs and fears turn into reality

We have to lay stones and do the work today

To build a world we may never see

Take The Lead by Jimmy Levy –

Good Day For A Good Day by Michael Franti & Spearhead –

Cherry Blossoms Are Fleeting

Every year, for a week or two, depending on the weather, we can be in awe of the amazingly beautiful cherry blossoms. I have never seen them in person but when I see pictures of them or see them on tv, they are beautiful.

Are they more beautiful because they come at the end of a long winter ? Are they more beautiful because they give us hope for a future of warm days and sunshine? Would they be as beautiful if they bloomed in July instead of late March?

And then, in the blink of an eye, they are gone and replaced by green.

And that my friends, got me thinking. About a lot of things really. How fleeting is life, relationships, our children growing up, etc etc.

But what it really got me thinking about is our society.

How we bounce from one thing to another without, at least to me, making much change. Someone or something happens and it’s all you hear about for a week or two and then someone or something else happens and the first thing is in the background or gone altogether but nothing ever changed from it. The issue is still there, we have moved on from it to something else.

And eventually, we come full circle and go through the same problems again, over and over.

And we have been doing it this way for decades and I don’t have the answers to fix it. I can only write about how I see it.

Then, as I’m thinking and looking at pictures, I noticed there in the background, meandering slowly through the picture, is the Potomac River.

But the river name doesn’t matter because all rivers are the same.

All rivers are created by smaller streams, creeks, etc flowing into them making one body of water that are no longer separated, but must work together to flow throughout its life.

And in any river you will have rocks and boulders and banks to navigate in and out and around and through.

But then the river comes back together as one.

Which is the point I’m getting to.

What if we always remembered that we, as a society, are the river. We come from different places, different walks of life, we have different beliefs and we talk differently, but we are all living here together and if we flowed together like the river does, then the beauty of the cherry blossoms would not be fleeting.

What if we remembered the hurt, remembered the pain, remembered the love and remembered the beauty of all of us and all of the world.

It’s easy to get used to seeing the beauty of a sunset until we wake up one day and realize we haven’t noticed it in months.

We have to be intentional.

Because when we can learn to live together as one, the beauty of life and how we should live it, the humanity that flows from the river that feeds the cherry blossoms will be as beautiful as cherry blossoms every day, all year round.

I see trees of green, and roses in bloom, And I think to myself, what a wonderful world we can have.

The First Bud Of Spring- A Love Story

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It was a long, cold, dark winter. One that she didn’t think would ever end. There was snow, rain, and sleet. A couple of times there was enough ice to nearly break the branches on the trees. The little girl held on. She waited for the warmer weather, the better times, the warmth of the sun. She knew it would come, it was just a matter of time. As she waited patiently, she would say her prayers, she would thank God for protecting her and her mommy and daddy during these cold, dark, winter nights.

Finally, the day had come. The first bud of spring appeared out of the ground. The bud peeked out of her shoot and could feel the warmth surround her. She was filled with so much joy that, at first,  she didn’t notice she was the only bud sprouting. After basking in the warmth of the sunshine for a few minutes she looked around, startled that she was the only one. Where was everyone else? Was she going to be all alone? Did she come out too soon? Was colder weather coming back and she would die because of her eagerness to sprout? She was filled with fear and doubt but she stayed strong. She knew God had a plan for her. It was then that a little girl saw her and started yelling for her dad to come see the new flower. The little girl was so excited that the bud could not help but smile. Her excitement was contagious.

A little while later another bud awakened. He also took a moment to take in the warmth around him. He then looked to see if the others had awakened and that was when he saw her. She was within inches of him and he knew he would love her. It didn’t take long for her to notice him either, even though it took the help of a little girl yelling “Look, daddy, now there’s two!”

They welcomed the spring with all the other buds that started to awaken. With all the other flowers around them, they knew they were meant for each other. When the rains came, he would lean towards her to cover her petals. When the strong winds came they would lean into it together, holding stems. They were inseparable. When the bees came they opened their petals for them so they could spread their seeds to other lands where there were no flowers. They also knew that the bees relied on their pollen to take back to their hives for food. It was a beneficial relationship.  Everything was new and exciting.

Then summer came. It was a scorching summer, one like they had never seen. There was no water. Many flowers died but not our couple. They shared what they had with each other. Every little drop of moisture was shared between them. Luckily, they were also planted where they had shade for part of the day. They counted the hours down together until they were cooled by the shade. Every once in awhile the little girl would come out with a can of water and water them, helping to keep them alive. They were often too tired to open their petals wide enough for the bees to come but they did their best. They knew the only way to survive this summer was with the help of others. They prayed their prayers for rain, for cooler temperatures but it was not to be. Sometimes in life, God doesn’t answer prayers and there are reasons only He knows why. They had reached a point in their relationship that they were still together, but they didn’t talk much. Too much too worry about, too much life got in the way. When was their next rain drop, how would they make it through another day without food, why couldn’t they be like they were in the spring? Did they waste this whole season of their life? They knew better because they still shared the little water they had, they still  protected each other but the excitement was gone.

Before they knew it Autumn was here. They had made it through the difficult summer and were enjoying another season of their life. The rains came again, as well as cooler weather. When he looked at her she was still the most beautiful, most loving, most caring flower in the garden. When she looked at him he was still the bravest, strongest, most handsome flower this side of Eden. They held each other’s petals more each day, knowing that their days were winding down. They reflected on the spring and the summer. Days when their love was new and days when they didn’t know if they would make it. They thought of their seeds spread far and wide, soon to be new flowers that would spread their love and beauty around the world. It wasn’t easy, they had moments of doubt but they fought for each other, they fought for their love. They survived.

Soon the cold winds blew again. They held on for as long as they could but with each passing day, their petals would fall off. They knew it wouldn’t be long now but they held on for each struggling moment. Relying on each other to get by. Praying for just one more second. She was the first to go, as she was the first to sprout. He wasn’t far behind her.

The little girl, all bundled up from the cold,  looked at her daddy and said, “Look, daddy, the first two here are the last two to leave. I wonder if they were happy here, I wonder if they were in love.”

“Now, now,” said the daddy, “we know flowers can’t fall in love but if they could, those two would definitely have been like me and your mom. Through all the seasons and all the weather, the rain, the sun, the cold, they were standing right beside each other. Holding petals all the while.”

The little girl giggled. Through the cold, dark, winter nights she was safe as she anxiously waited for the first bud of spring to blossom again.

I Will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman –  

Then by Brad Paisley – 

Stand By You by Rachel Platten – 

Love Like Crazy by Lee Brice – 

The End Is Not The Answer by Three Days Grace – 

Worth Fighting For by Nine Days – 

When I Said I Do by Clint Black – 

Forever Changed by Carrie Underwood – 

Remind Me by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood – 

Would You Go With Me by Josh Turner – 

I’ll Stand By You by The Pretenders – 

Meant To Be by JJ Heller – 

What Faith Can Do by Kutless – 

Autumn

To be clear, there is no Autumn or anyone else. I’m still figuring out how my new life will look and ready to explore that life alone for awhile. But when the time is right, I hope it comes so unexpectedly I have to catch my breath.

But I might have a little crush on Autumn Reeser.

Winter came and I was dark inside

Wasn’t living, just trying to survive

Wasn’t looking forward to Spring

There wasn’t a love song I could sing

And for once, I didn’t want the Summer heat

Then I saw you and you smiled at me

I wasn’t looking, didn’t see this coming

If I did I probably would’ve been running

I wasn’t ready for this again

Wasn’t ready for these feelings to begin

Wasn’t looking to love someone else

But you know I can’t lie to myself

These feelings I wasn’t expecting at all

Damn Autumn, I wasn’t expecting to fall

My life is now brighter than the colors of the leaves

And when I’d all but given up I now can believe

Love’s walked out the door so many times before

I was done, didn’t want it anymore

My heart was healing when I thought it was dead

Taking my time to clear out my head

Tired of being hurt and given up on love

Wasn’t even something I was thinking of

Then I saw you and you smiled at me

I caught my breath as my heart skipped a beat

These feelings I wasn’t expecting at all

Damn Autumn, I wasn’t expecting to fall