Charlie was just a young puppy when he chased his first car. Charlie loved the thrill of chasing cars. Charlie wondered what would happen when he caught one.
Charlie grew bigger and faster. Charlie ran every day to build up his strength to catch a car. Charlie didn’t have time to play with other dogs. Any dog that tried to get close to Charlie, Charlie would run over on his way to try to catch another car.
Then one day, Charlie was chasing a car when he saw Bella. The world stopped for Charlie. Charlie didn’t think about chasing cars as much.
Charlie and Bella fell in love. Charlie and Bella started having puppies. Charlie and Bella were happy. Charlie started to worry about how he could provide for them.
Charlie started chasing cars again. Charlie ran and ran. Charlie would stay out late chasing cars.
Charlie and Bella started to fight. Bella was left all alone while Charlie chased cars. Charlie’s kids wanted him to be home more. Charlie’s kids wanted to spend time with their dad. Charlie kept chasing cars.
Then one day it happened. Charlie caught a car. Charlie was so happy. Charlie thought I finally did it. But in that same moment, Charlie had another thought.
Now what?
Charlie realized he had made it to the top but that he had destroyed his life. Charlie had no friends. Charlie and Bella didn’t talk anymore. Charlie didn’t know what his kids were like.
Charlie was miserable at the top. All the long hours, all the sacrifices, all the birthdays he missed to get there.
Charlie wished he didn’t want to chase cars. Charlie wished he could do things differently. Charlie wondered if they would ever forgive him.
I wrote this several years ago when I was trying to turn the words into a song. That hasn’t worked out, maybe because I’m not as good a song writer as John Cooper and Skillet. The first two songs after the post reflect that. Some day I will get there. Just have to keep writing.
I posted this one before but here lately, I have been struggling while trying to keep a brave face. Don’t know if it is seasonal depression or Covid depression or work depression or all the above. Also, in honor of all the Veteran’s that struggle with PTSD and other mental issues I wanted to say thank you and you are not alone.
From the time she could talk she was full of questions. And I, of course, was full of answers.
Why this, why that, where, when and who?
But as children often do, my daughter grew and grew and her questions became more elaborate.
Where are we going dad?
Nowhere.
Dad, what will we do when we get to nowhere?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Yeah, dad, I love going to nowhere with you and doing absolutely nothing. But I wonder, if we go nowhere and do nothing, does that make me a nobody?
Her questions were very deep so I thought for a second and told her she would never be a nobody. She is loved and cherished and will always be a somebody to me.
If I keep going south will I eventually be north?
As children often do, she grew and grew and her questions became more challenging.
Dad, if we get lost going to nowhere, will we end up somewhere? And when we get to somewhere, will we do something? But I wonder, if we go somewhere and do something, will I then be somebody?
Dad, can we get from here to there without going anywhere? And if we find anywhere, can we go there anytime? But I wonder, if we go anywhere anytime will I still be anybody to you?
If I ever find myself stuck between here and there and can’t find my way to you, will you come looking for me?
I couldn’t understand why her thoughts were taking her to these places but the only thing I could do was put my arms around her and reassure her no matter where she is or what time it is or what I am doing, I will always come and find her when she needed me.
But if I don’t tell you I need you, how will you know?
I will always pray that I will know but if for some reason I don’t know, I know a father who loves you more than even I do who will always be there for you even if I, for some inexplicable reason, get lost and am a little late in getting there.
Thanks dad, but what if I meant to go nowhere but ended up somewhere doing everything I know I shouldn’t do, would you still love me then? Would you go everywhere and do something, anything, to bring me back to someplace where you always are?
Not a doubt in mind that I would go everywhere and do something, anything, anytime to bring you back to nowhere so we could do nothing.
If the sun sets in the west will it always be dark the more west I go?
Just remember, dear daughter, no matter how many steps you take into the darkness, it only takes one to turn around and see the light.
If I’m doing nothing am I really doing something and can I be doing something but actually be doing nothing?
As children often do, my daughter grew and grew. As she grew it was my arms that became empty, as she no longer wanted me to hold her and it was my heart that shattered to pieces, as it seemed she longer wanted it to beat for her.
I would knock on her door and ask, “Would you like to go nowhere today and do nothing?” To which she would just sigh and say “Dad, I’m not a little girl anymore.”
I would give her some time and distance and then I would knock on her door and ask, “Would you like to go somewhere sometime today and do something?”
To which she would reply, “Dad, I’m busy doing other things today.”
But I could tell something was going on, but I didn’t want to seem pushy, but I knew she needed me.
I gave her more time and more distance, even though it was killing me to see her so sad.
One day I knocked on her door and said, “My daughter, when you find yourself nowhere doing nothing and wanting to go somewhere to be somebody but you can’t seem to go anywhere any of the time remember I love you everywhere every second of every day simply because you are you and that’s enough.”
She gave me a sad smile and a thanks dad.
Then I heard a voice telling me time and distance isn’t what she needs, she needs closeness and love even though it isn’t what she says.
I went and I knocked on her door and she was crying. I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. After a few minutes and a very wet shirt later, she calmed down and looked up at me and I looked into those beautiful brown eyes as she asked me a question I had been wanting to hear for so long.
“Dad, do you think we could go nowhere?”
I smiled and asked, “Daughter, what will we do when we get there?”
Then she smiled back and said, “I was thinking we would do nothing dad, absolutely nothing.”
“Daughter, there is no place I would rather be than nowhere doing absolutely nothing with you.”
originally published Oct 19, 2016 (it’s been a year already, crazy)
It wasn’t a good night. Alone again. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my doubts. Alone with my past regrets. That’s when I realized I wasn’t alone. Something, or someone was there with me. I could feel it. I would rather face off against Freddie Krueger.
I could feel it before I could see it. I looked around but I was the only one here. Fear crept in. The only sound was the sound of my too loud beating heart. Evil lurked. Looking for a place to land. It only needed a small opening and it waited patiently. I wasn’t going to let it in, but it waited. Evil is patient, waiting for its opportunity.
I fought the invisible evil. It wasn’t going to win. Doubts would sink in. At times I believed the lies. I was stronger than this. I had a power inside of me. I often forgot about this power. I often forgot about the strength it gave me. I wasn’t going to forget this time. I also knew I couldn’t do it alone. I yelled out to God.
The evil was gone. A peace overcame me. I stopped shaking. My heart calmed. I wasn’t naive though. I knew the evil would be back. It doesn’t give up easily. More importantly, I knew neither did God.
I had to get out of the house.
I liked walking on the beach. The wind coming off the ocean, the smell of it. The way the moon and stars shined their light off the waves. I could walk for miles. It was relaxing but there were no stars to light my way tonight. Only the light of a full moon, and it didn’t seem to be as bright as it should have been.
I walked along the beach. Even the waves didn’t sound the same. Like they were whispering to me. There was definitely a thickness in the air.
Something just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Was something in the house with me? Was it just my imagination? I couldn’t quite shake the feeling.
That’s when I saw him. Well, I guess I should say it. I couldn’t quite make out the form in the darkness but something was definitely there. He, or it, was hiding in the darkness under the pier.
My heart was starting to beat fast. Stop it, I said to myself. This is just your imagination acting up. There is nothing to fear.
I was getting closer to the pier. Maybe 30 feet away. I took a deep breath. My mind was playing tennis. Volley to the left, it’s going to be okay. Volley to the right, be prepared. It’s going to be you or him. Volley left, volley right. That’s when he stepped out and I could see it in his eyes. Volley right it is.
I had no weapon. Or at least I thought I had no weapon. God, be with me. I heard the scream, I saw the light. That’s when I fell to the ground.
Did someone sneak up behind me and hit me in the head? What was that light? I quickly did a self check and realized I wasn’t hurt. I looked up looking for the man but he was nowhere to be found. What just happened?
Add that to my list of weird things happening tonight. The list would be getting longer.
I know what you are thinking. I should turn around and just go back home. Lock myself in my room and say goodnight. I could not do that. I should’ve done that but something was telling me to keep moving forward.
I heard the screams. I ran to them. I know you are yelling for me to run away from them. I was thinking the same thing! I couldn’t do it. I am not a hero but I had to see if there was anything I could do.
They were huddled together at the dead end of a one way street. The look of terror on their faces is something I can never forget. They were looking upward. I followed their eyes and then I saw them. There had to be at least twenty, maybe more, of them. The legion of demons were hideous. They were attacking relentlessly. They disgusted me.
At one time or another they were all a part of my life. I am a sinner and I knew them all by name. There was greed, lust, fear, addiction, hopelessness, negative, pride, envy. I knew them well. There was also wrath, sloth, doubt, low self-esteem, failure, sorrow, gossip and hate. Many more I will not name but they were all following their leader Baal. I was actually surprised to see him. They usually let their minions do the work and don’t show their faces. With him here, I knew this was going to be a long battle.
That’s when I saw the glow. I looked down and I was shining like a light. I wasn’t alone. I looked around and there were many others with me. We had been brought together for this moment. We are the light of the world and now was the time to defeat the darkness.
We lit up the dark night. Many of the demons ran when they saw the light. Many others chose to fight. The light was their enemy. The truth was their adversary. Hope was their opponent. We were their prosecutors.
After a long, bloody, hard fought battle we were victorious. There was sadness in our victory. We lost some friends in the battle but they will forever be remembered as heroes. We will fight the good fight. Where there are demons, so will we be. We will honor the truth and defend it with our lives.
They will be back. We will be here when they return.
We are the light of the world and we will shine victorious.
Good Fight by Unspoken –
Soldier On by Sidewalk Prophets –
Never Burn Out by Stars Go Dim –
Same Power by Jeremy Camp –
Independence Day by Union Of Sinners and Saints –
Soldiers by Martin Smith –
Onward Christian Soldiers by Petra –
I’m Just Another Soldier by The Five Blind Boys Of Mississippi –
“Yeah, today we are going to the pumpkin patch,” said my little girl. “I can’t wait to pick out the perfect pumpkin.”
We arrived at the pumpkin patch at one o’clock. My daughter excitedly got out of the car and ran over to the pumpkins. I couldn’t help but to smile at her excitement. It was contagious.
“Which one can I get daddy?” She jumped up and down. “What about this one, it’s nice and round. Or this one, it has a long, green stem and is also round, like a basketball.”
“You can get whatever one you want. Let me know when you find one. In the meantime, I’ll look for the one I want and mommy will look for the one she wants,” I replied.
It wasn’t but a few minutes when she yelled out that she found the one she wants. We put it in the wagon, along with the one I picked out, as well as her mom’s pumpkin.
My daughter noticed the ones we picked out and giggled. “Daddy, yours has bumps all over it and it’s crooked. Mommy, yours isn’t even a pumpkin. It’s more like pieces of a pumpkin. Whatever will you do with it?”
We told her it will be a surprise and she will see tonight after we carve them.
We arrived home and unloaded the pumpkins. We put newspaper down on top of the kitchen table and we started to carve them.
We started with our daughter’s first. We cut the top off around the stem and the most terrible smell came out. Even though it was beautiful and perfect on the outside, it was rotten on the inside.
We then started to carve mine. We cut the stem off and the most wonderful, sweet smell came out of the pumpkin.
I couldn’t help myself to teach my daughter a life lesson.
“People are a lot like these pumpkins. What looks beautiful on the outside could be really rotten on the inside. And I don’t always mean rotten in a mean way. They could look like they have it all together, but really they are sad and hurting inside. That is why you really have to get to know people, not for how they look on the outside, but for what is on the inside. Then, when you get to know them, you really have to try to know how to help them when they are hurting inside.”
“Then, look at my pumpkin. You laughed at it because it was not perfect on the outside. It has bumps and scratches and is a little bit crooked but on the inside, it is so beautiful. That is why you have to love everyone and get to know everyone. You never know who is the nicest, kindest, most wonderful person until you get to know them. Don’t not like someone because of the way they look.”
My daughter said she thinks she understands, but then she said, “What about mommy’s. It’s all in pieces.”
Then we sat and watched mom do what only moms can do. She put that pumpkin back together, piece by piece. She wrapped it in tape and love. It was the most beautiful mess of a pumpkin you could have ever seen.
“So what about mommy’s pumpkin. It looks like a puzzle, but not all the pieces are there.”
“Let’s have mommy explain it to us,” I said.
Then my wife, my daughter’s mom spoke with the wisdom that I love her for.
“Well, you see this pumpkin was broken. We don’t know why it was broken, maybe other pumpkins picked on it, or maybe someone kicked it or dropped it, or maybe the pumpkin did something to itself that made it this way. We don’t know. But what we do know is that with a little love and kindness, that the most broken people are loved and can give off the brightest light when they are given the chance. God loves all of us, the beautiful ones, the rotten ones, and especially the broken ones.”
We then put our candles in each of our pumpkins and we all lost our breath when we saw the light shining through all the broken pieces of my wife’s pumpkin.
Our daughter then said, “wow, the light from the broken one shines the brightest. It is so beautiful.”
Mended by Matthew West-
Beautifully Broken by Plumb –
The Wound Is Where The Light Gets In by Jason Gray –
It was a difficult time. I knew that she was not being herself. I knew the enemy had attacked and she didn’t fight him.
I told God, I told the devil, whoever would listen that I am stronger than she is. Take the demon from her and put it in me. Release her and let me deal with it.
I don’t cuss. I don’t scream. Most of the time nothing bothers me. I just let it roll right on off and go on with life. Yes, I get discouraged when I am taken advantage of, over and over and over. But life goes on. Stay the course. I tell you this because you need to understand the change that happened when I invited the demon into me.
The change was immediate. I felt like a different person. I could feel the tension inside of me. I turned into a person that screams, yells, and cusses. She deserves every bit of it for what she did. I don’t need her so let’s beat her down until she can’t get up. She did this, not me.
I looked in the mirror and the eyes looking back were not mine. I could see him in there. I knew he was there. He knew I knew. A small sinister smile appeared. You asked for me to be here so here I am.
It was a battle between who I am and who he is. Sometimes the angels won, sometimes the devil won. Sometimes I didn’t care who won.
Sometimes I even enjoyed him being there. No more Mr. Nice Guy. No more kind heart. Be the bad guy they all want anyway.
But I can’t be the bad guy. As hard as it tried, it’s just not who I am. It is who he is. Telling me things, telling me I need to do this or do that. I fought it.
I could eventually feel him come at all hours of the day and night. I would feel my eyes shift and I knew he was there. It would be like blinking and the world just looked different. He was the one looking from behind my eyes, not me. I would wake up sweating but my teeth were chattering because I was freezing. I would start shaking, like I was having a seizure, in middle of the day.
Where did he go when he wasn’t in me? Or was he always there and the angels just kept him subdued? If that’s the case, did the angels leave me to deal with this on my own? I don’t know.
I had to get control.
I could not take it anymore. God take this from me. Silence. I guess I did ask for it. Maybe I was not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe I still am not that strong.
I went to a Christian counselor to see if this was just in my head or what was going on. She suggest we do this rapid eye sensory thing, something they use for PTSD cases. Anything was worth a shot.
Holy crap, I will never doubt counseling again. I could see the demons face, he told me his name. It was like he was sitting right beside me. It gives me chills just talking about it now. After a few treatments, and since I now knew its name, I asked it to leave. Amazingly, it did.
That was five years ago.
I finished brushing my teeth yesterday and looked in the mirror. To my surprise, he was looking back at me, then he smiled his sinister smile.
Oh no! was my first thought. I didn’t ask you to come back here. What are you doing here? Then I thought, I don’t even care. I am too tired to fight it.
I just stood there looking at myself, and not myself was looking back, smiling.
I resigned myself to this is how it is going to be. I must well give up. But then I saw a flash of light in the mirror behind me.
I knew the angel was back also. I was not alone. I would not have to fight this alone. I will fight this.
“Step right up, come on in, only a dollar” shouted the carny. He looked right at me and my friends. “Come on in boys, this will change your life” and he winked at me. I don’t know why but my gut was telling me something was wrong. My friends wanted to go in and since I didn’t want to be left out, I went in with them.
It wasn’t much at first. A conveyor belt going the opposite direction. Oooh scary right? We made a tight turn to the right and the floor started shaking. Everyone started to laugh but the feeling inside me was getting worse. It was then the lights went out. We started reaching out, touching each other to make sure we were all still there. We slowly inched forward and hit a wall, promptly piling into each other. Then the lights came on and that was when the fun began.
We were looking at ourselves, all four versions of each of us. We looked at each other like what the crap, a couple of my friends used some other choice words. In one mirror there was me, looking as normal as I am now, if you can call that normal. In the second mirror I was a hideous monster. What the heck? The third mirror I was a baseball player, uniform, glove and all. How could this be? I only was wearing the clothes I came in with. The fourth mirror showed me as an old, decrepit old man, all by myself. It was then we realized there was no exit. We did the only thing we could and started to push on the mirrors. The only one that moved was the second one. We all looked at each other and kind of shrugged and took a step through. But we weren’t all together on the other side.
There I was, the hideous monster. I pulled on my skin and clothes to get them to come off but they were me and I was them. It was then I noticed a small light in the distance. I walked toward it and saw it was a cell phone. It had a note on it. PRESS PLAY. What I saw disgusted me and I wish I didn’t have to tell you about it, but I do. It was 15 second clips of my life. There was me eight years old pushing the other kids down on the playground. There was me twelve years old stealing a cassette from the local music store. There was me sixteen years old with my girlfriend. We were in the backseat and she said she wasn’t ready but I said we had already gone too far so let’s keep going. There was me at nineteen at a college party when a bunch of guys took a passed out girl upstairs and I didn’t stop them. There was me at twenty two when I didn’t take the keys from my friend and he drove home drunk, but he didn’t make it. There was me at home instead of visiting my dad before he passed away. There was me watching a movie instead of calling a friend who was home alone, waiting for me to call. There was me ignoring my wife because of past mistakes. Was I really this monster? Is this how others see me?
Then we were all back in the same room of mirrors. We all looked at each other like what was that? No one was laughing now. We pushed on the mirrors again but only the third one opened this time.
There I was, at Wrigley Field, pitching for the Cubs. The crowd was chanting my name. Oh yeah, this is what I was made for. They all love me. I was on the mound, World Series, game seven, bottom of the ninth, two outs, two on, two strikes. One more strike and I bring a championship to Chicago. The wind up, the pitch…and I heard it. My shoulder popped. Then I heard the crack of the bat as it connected to the ball. Then I heard the silence. Just like that it was all over. The game, my career, my life. I was so angry. I was mad at God. How could He bring me to this moment and then let it all go? One pitch. It was all over. What kind of God would do that to me? I shut everyone out. I drank myself to sleep every night. I didn’t know the women’s names I would wake up to. I didn’t care. I went from 60,000 people screaming my name to the deafening silence of my own thoughts.
There we were again. All six of us in the same room of mirrors. Mark said that wasn’t so bad. “Let’s get this over with,” said Scott. We looked at each other and hesitantly stepped into the fourth mirror.
There I was. A decrepit old man. No one there but me. A lifetime of choices led me to here. A lifetime of bad choices. How did I get here? I was a good guy once. I believed in God, once upon a time. I looked in the mirror and the mirror looked back. Was this really me? Then I was gone. There in my casket, all by myself. Honestly, all by myself. No one came to say goodbye. Not one single person! Was I that unloveable and selfish? Was I really that bad of a person? I guess the truth hurts because I must’ve been for not one single person to show up.
We were all back in the room of mirrors. A couple of my friends said how cool their mirrors were. They hope their lives turn out like that. I didn’t have anything to say. This time the first mirror, the normal mirror, opened and we walked through. A couple turns and a few distorted mirrors later we were at the exit.
“Hey boys, how’d you like it? Did you like what you saw?” said the carny. “The mirrors don’t lie boys. If you didn’t like what you saw, you still have time to do something about it.” That was when he looked at me again and winked and gave me something. I was too terrified to look at it so I stuck it in my pocket and left. He turned around and started shouting , “step right up boys and girls, come on in, only a dollar and it will change your life.”
I forgot about what he gave me until I got home and undressed. It fell out of my pocket. A small bible with a note inside. Read this if you want to change your life. Read this if you didn’t like what you saw in the mirrors. It is your choice.
Monster by Skillet –
All Of Me by Meatloaf –
Ain’t Much Left Of Me by Blackberry Smoke –
These Things I Hate (Revolves Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine –
My God, My Music, My Life 