I have had enough. I could not take It anymore. I had tried and tried but no one would go with me. If no one will go with me, I will do it alone.
I don’t see things any differently than anyone else. They all see the world is falling apart. The difference is I couldn’t sit still and watch it get worse. I couldn’t stay quiet and let the evil keep talking.
You know what they say, there is no God, he isnt here, he doesnt care. If there was a God then why….If there was a God then where was he when….
Well, didn’t we ask him to leave? We took him out of schools, court, any kind of gathering. We let the minority rule. If one person doesn’t like it then no one can enjoy it. It’s no wonder suicides have increased, opioid epidemic, mass shootings, over the counter meds for anxiety, divorce.
Nothing is sacred anymore.
I left to face the demons on my own. It wasn’t long before they had gathered to defeat me.
I drew my sword and drew a line in the sand.
I said, “If you are not a believer, you can not cross this line.”
The demons smiled at me as they approached the line. “My dearest friend, do you not know, even we demons believe.”
The demons crossed the line and I took a step back. The demons drooled and laughed. “So, friend , you do fear us.”
To their surprise, I then took a step forward with a smile on my face.
“I am not your friend.”
I knew what they did not. The demons hesitated for a second but that’s all I needed.
I drew my sword but it was only for a diversion. The demons attacked.
The demons were so consumed with me that they didn’t notice the warrior angels that had surrounded them.
Walk On Water by 30 Seconds To Mars-
What It Comes Down To Me Is Me by Mark Bishop-
Fight Forever by Anthem Lights –
Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies) by Chris Tomlin –
I have been in the house many times since the first time. The first time was when I was eight years old. I was being teased, called a chicken, and all those things kids say to each other. Triple dog dare. You can’t turn down a triple dog dare. It was the first time I opened the door. I only looked inside for a second but that was enough. The door had been opened and my future was doomed.
I soon started visiting the house more than I would like to admit. Always by myself of course. I couldn’t let my friends know what I was doing. Each time I went in I would find a new room to explore. It was fascinating at first. All these new things I was finding meant I was also learning more about myself. I thought I was being brave. Anytime something would happen to me I would run to the solitude of the house. Only in the day time though. Never at night.
At night you could always find me in my own house. Safe, warm and comfortable. My parents loved me and I felt safe in my house. Of course you could say as many times as I was visiting the so-called haunted house that it became my home away from home. My place to go to be alone and collect my thoughts. Leave some of my thoughts there. Come out a new person, but I left a part of me in that house each time I went.
It wasn’t long before I was sneaking out of my home and going to my haunted house at night. I couldn’t help it. I loved being the only one there. The only one that knew I was spending so much time there was me. I loved that sometimes when I went there would be a new room or two to explore. I never questioned how they got there. Part of the mystery of a haunted house I thought.
I started to withdraw from my friends so I could spend more time there. I could explore my house for hours on end, always something new but I could also go back and remember. Remember the who, what, why, where and when of the first time I opened this door or that door. Remember when I was so scared I slammed that door closed, only to peek back in a few weeks later. No door was ever sealed shut. I could visit anytime I would visit the house.
The problem came when I couldn’t resist the house anymore. It just kept luring me in. Like it was calling out to me. Come on in, it is safe here. You don’t need anyone else. Just you and your thoughts, that’s all you need. No one will hurt you in here.
Comfort. I found comfort in that house. I should’ve bought the place and moved in. Saved me from going there all the time. It was on one of these trips that I met someone. A man like I had never met before. He told me to stop going to the haunted house. There is nothing there for me. How did he know was my first thought? My second thought was who cares who he is. This was my world and my house and he was just an intruder. Another person out to get me.
A couple days later I was going back to the house and there he was. Sitting on the front steps. The same steps I first went up when I was eight, except they didn’t look so scary anymore. They almost looked warm and inviting. Anyway, back to my guest. There he was. “How did you get here,” I asked. “I’ve been watching you for years,” he said. What kind of person is this? I then bluntly told him to leave. He wasn’t welcome here. He told me he couldn’t do that. He was here to help me leave this place, leave it for good.
No way. This is my place. My home. He had no right to ask me to leave it.
But he got me thinking. In my experience, that is never a good thing. I would rather just go to my house and leave my thoughts in one of the rooms.
I walked on by him and he got up and followed me in. “Look at your prison,” he said. “My prison? This is my house,” I corrected him. “No”, he said, “I have a much better house for you. Want to see it?”
“Not really sure,” I said, “I like this place.”
“Here take my hand and I will show you,” he said. I don’t know why but I reached out for his hand and….all the doors opened. All the doors in my house flew open and everything that was in them came pouring out.
I screamed, “let me go!!” I pulled my hand away and ran. This wasn’t my house. How did all these things get in here? Why was he letting them all out? I tried to shut the doors but they would not close. I fell to my knees and let them overtake me. But they didn’t touch me. They all poured into him. He took them all. All my good and all my bad. All my pretty and all my ugly. They all poured into him.
I watched, mesmerized. It seemed like it lasted for hours but it couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. How could I let all this stuff in my house? I watched as everything flew out. Things I forgot I put in the rooms. Things that kept me a prisoner in my house. Fear, lots of rooms full of fear. Anxiety, worry, hurt all leaving my house. Negative thoughts and lies I believed to numb the pain all gone. Depression, shame, guilt- all gone. Anger and hate, see you later. Regrets, doubts about who I am, lies, distrust, unforgiveness, all gone.
You might ask what was left but you already know. Love was left. A love that told me I didn’t need to live in this house. A love that told me I was forgiven. A love that showed me who I am. A love that told me to unlock those doors and throw away the key. A love that told me my house isn’t haunted. A love that told me I could’ve left that house anytime I wanted. A love that told me I never had to build that house.
I was shivering. Strange, since when I went to bed I put an extra blanket on and set the thermostat to heat up the house at 6:00. I then realized I was also wet. I startled awake only to realize I wasn’t in my warm bed. I was in some type of… give me a minute to look around. I was in some type of maze. Confused, bewildered, baffled, were some of the words that came to mind. I had to be dreaming, but I wasn’t.
I yelled out, but no one answered. I did the only thing I could and started to walk. Around this bend, turn left here, turn right there, dead end, start again. I then saw a note up ahead. I read it: If you have ever lied turn left at the next turn. Well yeah I have lied, who hasn’t? I came to the turn and went left. After about 40 yards or so I found another note. If you have ever stolen anything, turn left again. Unfortunately, I had to turn left. I kept walking for another 30 yards and yet another note. If you have ever dishonored your mother or father turn left again. Well, to be honest I am sure I have but if I did maybe it was just something little like talking back or missing curfew. Guess my answer was already made for me because the only way I could turn was left.
I know I just walked in a square but yet I was someplace new. Hanging up at the end of this walkway was a mirror. As soon as I looked into it I heard the voices. You are ugly. You aren’t good enough. No one likes you. Your kids don’t even like you. Look at your body, what have you done to it. You are a disgrace. Why are you even alive?
I covered my face with my hands and ran. I ran as fast and as far as I could but I could not get the voices out of my head. I came to another intersection.
Have you ever committed adultery? Well. Not physically. Then another voice: that doesn’t matter. Have you or haven’t you? Okay, yes I have! Correct. Go right.
Have you ever murdered someone? Of course not, I said. Are you sure about that? Yes, I am positive on that one. Then the images came to me like it was yesterday. The girl I talked into sleeping with me. She was so young and innocent. I wanted her. She said no but eventually I wore her down and she gave in. I murdered a piece of her that night. I murdered a piece of the boy I used to make fun of because he wasn’t like me. Oh God! Make this stop. Good try! God isn’t here and he isn’t coming. This is my world and you are just a pawn in it. Go right.
Have you ever worshiped someone other than your so called God? Have you ever used your so called Gods name in vain? Have you ever …. GO RIGHT I SAID!
NO!! I screamed. I don’t have to listen to you. I don’t have to go where you want me to. I can break this. I can walk away. You are a liar.
No, you can’t. Remember you are a nobody. No one likes you, except me. You are what I need to change this world. YOU can follow me, YOU can rule the world with me. YOU can turn stones into bread. YOU can jump off a building and angels will catch you. I can make you into the most powerful person in this world. TURN RIGHT!!
No, that’s where you are wrong. I don’t want to be the most powerful person in the world. I don’t need to be liked by everyone because I know God loves me. I don’t need your lies. I just need to follow the truth. With that last word I sprinted as fast as I could, to the left, and ran and ran for what seemed like days. I didn’t realize that the maze was disappearing as I ran. I was breaking free from the chains that bind me. By the time I stopped it was all gone.
I fell to the ground. Exhausted. Sweating. Breathing hard. I didn’t hear the footsteps come up beside me. Maybe there wasn’t any. I heard his voice. The one I have heard many times throughout my life but ignored. I felt him kneel beside me. I felt his hand on mine. I heard him say well done. I heard him say I love you. I heard him say I want you. I heard him say you belong with me.
He picked me up and walked me back home. He said trust in me. Have faith in me. Love me. And just like that he was gone. But was he really?
First, let me apologize for not writing last week. I had to mentally prepare for what was going to happen Thursday. When I was younger, the transformations were not easy, but easier. To get old is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in knowing that my time to die is coming soon, therefore I will have less transformations. A curse because each time gets worse and worse. The pain of transforming has become unbearable. Thus, why I did not write last week. I was trying to prepare myself, but it did not help.
This was the most painful transformation yet.
Secondly, I am not telling you this for your pity. I have accepted who, or should I say what, I am many moons and years ago. I only wanted to let you know that sometimes when I “disappear” from social media, there are reasons.
I have, for a long time, had my wife lock me in the basement cage I made to keep others safe from me. I also made her triple chain me to the cage to be extra safe. There was a time when I did not mind the freedom the transformations gave me. I could run the countryside totally free. I could kill and eat what I wanted. Deer, squirrel, rabbit, a bear if one crossed my way. Regrettably, I have had to kill a few humans. Not to eat, but in self-defense. I know they do not see it that way, that I am just a monster but, like all monsters/animals, we kill when we are threatened.
Take these words of advice when I say if you see one of us out in the wild, walk away. Do not threaten us. It will not go well for you.
Thankfully, this time is over.
However, I know there will be a next time.
Therefore, I will continue with my regular writings this week. I will also be able to read your writings again. I will also get back to posting songs for our times. There are so many to choose from.
At least until the end of October when I have to go through all this again. I have been dreading this month all year. Two full moons in one month. Please pray for me.
Sammy wasn’t like the other squirrels. While they were busy gathering nuts and seeds for the winter, Sammy would be exploring. Sammy liked traveling around the city and getting life experiences.
Sammy didn’t save for the future. Sammy lived in the here and now. Sammy thought all the other squirrels were missing out on life. Sammy didn’t understand why they worked all day storing nuts and seeds.
(I know what you are thinking. That you don’t have to read any further because Sammy is going to die because he isn’t prepared for winter. However that is an old story and this is a story for a new generation.)
Sammy traveled throughout the city and learned to not be afraid of people. Many people, especially the little ones, thought Sammy was cute and they fed him their food. Sammy ate french fries and potato chips. Sammy ate pizza and hamburgers. Sammy ate chicken fingers and tacos. Sammy loved human food.
It wasn’t long before Sammy was packing on the pounds. It wasn’t long before Sammy couldn’t travel as far as he once did. Sammy missed parts of the city but he was just too tired to go very far.
Winter was getting close and all the other squirrels were finishing storing all the food they had worked all fall to get. Sammy watched them from a distance. Sammy was miserable. All the human fast food was making him sick but he was so addicted to it. Sammy couldn’t stop eating it. The more he ate it, the more he didn’t feel like doing anything at all.
Some of Sammy’s friends finally stepped in and said he had to change his ways or he would not make it through the winter. Sammy asked them how. They said Sammy, you just have to start. Put one foot in front of the other. Then tomorrow you take a few more steps than today. Walk away from the bad choices of yesterday and walk into the better choices of tomorrow. You can do it Sammy and we will help you.
Sammy and his friends started walking each day. They shared their good food with him and Sammy made better choices. Sammy started to lose the weight and Sammy started to explore the city again. Sammy said no to the human food he was offered and Sammy started storing his own food for winter. Sammy’s friends even let him borrow some of their food and he made it through the winter.
Sammy lived a long and fruitful life. Sammy didn’t let his bad choices of yesterday rob him of his future. Sammy appreciated his friends and Sammy continued to make good choices. Most of all Sammy appreciated his friends and his life.
I wrote this one over a year and half ago and for some reason, over the last five months it has had almost 250 views. Maybe people are searching for forgiveness or rebuilding their lives or dealing with the loss of a loved one or texting and driving or maybe they thought it was about roses, but whatever reason, thank you for the views, I hope this story helped. I am reposting it in case others are searching for the same things these others were searching for.
Your Rose Garden
I watched you for what seemed like hours as you tended to your rose garden. I never understood why you would want to have so many roses and why you would want to spend so much time out there. You would always say you loved the way the dirt smelled. You would spend countless summer days bent over the garden, sweat dripping from your brow, pulling the weeds and pruning the roses. You would come inside sweaty, dirty, and looking exhausted but you always had a smile on your face.
I don’t get it I would say. You would reply, what’s their to get. It’s my time to do what I love and it’s my time I spend all alone with God. You should hear the conversations we would have. I would always reply I don’t know if I want to and we would laugh.
Even in the dark cold days of winter you would get bundled up and go outside to walk the path through your garden. Talking to them, touching their dead branches. Of course, I didn’t get that either. Why on earth? You would always say that they aren’t dead. There is life inside of them. They are like a lot of people in this world. Walking dead but there is life in them. It’s up to us to bring that life out. Waiting patiently, for today they may appear dead but with tomorrow there is always hope.
You were like that. You had a natural beauty that I was instantly attracted to but it was your inner beauty that would light up my heart. You could walk into a dark room and it would be like someone turned on the lights. It is the type of person you were.
Until one day you were taken from me. A teenager was texting and driving and ran into you. Neither of you survived. God needed his angel back and I had to pay the price. At your funeral the pastor recited your favorite bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Forget you God. If this is your plan then I don’t want any part of it. I looked out the back window and saw your rose garden. In my grief, I ran outside and I pulled and broke and cut every rose bush. I screamed and hollered your name. I screamed at God.
Out of breath, cut, scratched, and bleeding from the thorns, I dropped to my knees and let my tears water the lifeless dirt.
Summer turned to winter and, like the days , my heart grew darker and colder. I didn’t know how to live without you. I didn’t want to live without you. God should’ve taken me with you. My pain was too much to bear.
I looked out the window and saw the bare garden. I finally understood what you meant. Even if they appeared dead, at least they were still there. Now there was nothing but bare dirt. I grieved more as I recalled that day I destroyed what you loved.
As seasons go, winter turned to spring. We had an early spring this year. I looked out the window and could not believe my eyes. Somehow in the very back of the garden, barely visible from where I stood, a rose bush had survived and now had two roses blooming.
I ran outside as fast as I could. I had to touch them to see if they were real. As I did, I could swear I caught a faint scent of you. Then in the spring breeze I could swear I heard your laughter. I immediately dropped to my knees and grabbed a handful of dirt. It smelled so full of life.
In that moment, I felt my heart start to beat again.
I went out and bought as many rose bushes as I could find. There had to be at least a hundred of them and I was going to fix what I destroyed. I was going to fix your rose garden.
I labored for hours that first day. I went to bed exhausted, sore and smelling like dirt but I would wake up refreshed, ready to start again. I realized I could not do it on my own.
I looked at my phone, hesitant to dial their number. I dialed anyway. I called the teenagers parents and they came over to help. I think all of us healed a little bit that day.
I watched every day as your garden came back to life. I spent hours out there talking to you. I slowly learned to talk to God again.
Summer rolled around and I was still in the garden. Sweat rolling off every inch of my body but it was okay. I stood up to take a break and I swear I felt your hand touch mine. I closed my eyes remembering what your touch felt like. I looked down at my hand but yours was not there. I started to lift it up when a beautiful butterfly landed in my palm. Then a sliver of light fell right on it, giving it its own spotlight. I smiled, then the butterfly fluttered toward my face and touched my cheek, as if giving me a kiss. Then it flew to a nearby rose and I did something I hadn’t done in a long time.
I said your name out loud.
Then a summer breeze picked up and I swear I heard it carry your laughter. Tears fell down my face but I smiled.
In your rose garden I found life again. I found you again. I found God again.
I miss you every minute of every day but it was right there and then that I knew I would never be alone.
(image credit: Mari Jones from Journey of a Million Miles)
“Oh, hello there. My name is Rodney. It’s nice to see you. I don’t get many visitors. Most people see the mask and think I am bad. I must tell you, I am not! At least most of the time. I am honest if nothing else. My mom always told me honesty is the best policy.”
“Come on down and have a sit. I don’t have rabies or anything. My uncle Phil had rabies but he is long gone. Only one in the family to get rabies but everyone usually thinks we are all rabid. It’s like your family. I bet you have one bad apple in that tree. Does everyone think you are bad because of them?”
“Let me tell you something else. We eat a lot of different things from pesky insects and small rodents to fruits and nuts. Yes, that was me in your trash can the other day but I could not find any other food. I had to feed my family. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You know how many of your kind I have seen trying to find food in trash cans. It’s sad if you ask me. I mean me, I’m an animal and I don’t have anyone looking after me except maybe my near family. Your kind though, you throw away about half the food you eat. I see it in your trash cans and land fills. Shouldn’t you be helping others of your kind out instead of throwing it away? How about buying less so there is less to throw away and using that extra money to give to a food bank or something? I once helped a deer out. Not typical for me but I just could not eat anymore berries so instead of tossing them to the ground, I gave them to the deer. Next time you see that homeless guy, look past what you see and feel what’s in his heart. You won’t miss that dollar or that sandwich you give him. Maybe even your heart will grow three sizes that day if you did.”
“The mask? What’s up with the mask you ask? Take a look around you, everyone wears a mask. Some you just see easier than others. My mask is for me to be able to see better at night. Look at that person over there? Do you think her mask is to protect her from her past? She would love to take off her mask, get rid of her past mistakes but she is too scared to take it off. You don’t see a mask? Trust me, it’s there. Look at that guy. Do you think his mask protects him ? He looks like he is big and tough and can take on the world but inside he is hurting, he is begging to be loved, he is a big softy but no one will ever see that. That little girl over there? Yes, another mask. She tries to put a smile on and be happy but I see her eyes. Her pain. She gets yelled at everyday. Her parents fight all the time. She doesn’t think she is worth anything. That’s sad to see a mask on someone so young. I think you humans can do better. Take off the mask. Like my mom always said, honesty is the best policy. It will release so much stress and hurt.”
“What? You thought I was an animal to stay away from? Why? Because of my mask and the rings on my tail. Really? Take a look around you. Do you stay away from everyone that looks scary? The guy with all the tattoos? He is the nicest guy I ever met. The black man over there gave me his leftover food one day. I took that right home to my kids. They were so thankful. The white guy over there killed a snake one day and brought it over near my home. I eat anything. Dead carcasses are sometimes my favorite. The Asian guy over there came right up to me one day, just like you did today, and just started talking. I sat there and listened. The Muslim lady over there wept with me one day when my youngest baby was hit by a car. I don’t discriminate. I need all of you to survive. Sometimes I help you, sometimes you help me. That’s the way it should be. ”
“It doesn’t matter who you are. I will come up to you. That scares most people who only see my mask. Do you know I have a friend names Jesus who was the same way? He talked to everyone, and there were people who were afraid of Him. He only wanted to teach people about His father and the love He has for all of us and how we should treat others. Yet, people were afraid of Him and had Him crucified. He died for all of us. That includes you. Isn’t that awezing?”
“What? That’s not what you are taught. That’s a shame my friend. A real shame. I can call you friend, right? That’s what you are to me. I think you should take my words to heart. Go out and look at what’s inside a person. Get to know them. Get past the masks and the colors. You might be surprised what you find.”
“Have an awezing day my friend. What’s that? You don’t know what awezing is? Oh, that’s a word I made up combining awesome and amazing. See, never know what you will find once you get to know someone.”
(image credit: Laura Ross)
Walking Blind by Javier Colon –
Chosen Ones by Blanca –
Get To Know Me by Mateo –
Colors of the Wind by Tori Kelly –
Heal The World by Michael Jackson –
Where Is The Love by The Black Eyed Peas –
Unite by 1GN –
World Changers by Matthew West –
Love Feels Like by TobyMac –
Rainbow Connection by Gwen Stefani (original by Kermit the Frog) –
I have been writing these for several years but it seems the birds, and humans, do not learn and we keep going in circles. I originally posted this and the next one two years ago. The post that goes with this one will be posted in about 45 minutes so you will have a quick answer.
My God, My Music, My Life 