As Children Often Do

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From the time she could talk she was full of questions. And I, of course, was full of answers.

Why this, why that, where, when and who?

But as children often do, my daughter grew and grew and her questions became more elaborate.

Where are we going dad?

Nowhere.

Dad, what will we do when we get to nowhere?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Yeah, dad, I love going to nowhere with you and doing absolutely nothing. But I wonder, if we go nowhere and do nothing, does that make me a nobody?

Her questions were very deep so I thought for a second and told her she would never be a nobody. She is loved and cherished and will always be a somebody to me.

If I keep going south will I eventually be north?

38 Anniversary Quotes That Will Inspire You 24

As children often do, she grew and grew and her questions became more challenging.

Dad, if we get lost going to nowhere, will we end up somewhere? And when we get to somewhere, will we do something? But I wonder, if we go somewhere and do something, will I then be somebody?

Dad, can we get from here to there without going anywhere? And if we find anywhere, can we go there anytime? But I wonder, if we go anywhere anytime will I still be anybody to you?

If I ever find myself stuck between here and there and can’t find my way to you, will you come looking for me?

I couldn’t understand why her thoughts were taking her to these places but the only thing I could do was put my arms around her and reassure her no matter where she is or what time it is or what I am doing, I will always come and find her when she needed me.

But if I don’t tell you I need you, how will you know?

I will always pray that I will know but if for some reason I don’t know, I know a father who loves you more than even I do who will always be there for you even if I, for some inexplicable reason, get lost and am a little late in getting there.

Thanks dad, but what if I meant to go nowhere but ended up somewhere doing everything I know I shouldn’t do, would you still love me then? Would you go everywhere and do something, anything, to bring me back to someplace where you always are?

Not a doubt in mind that I would go everywhere and do something, anything, anytime to bring you back to nowhere so we could do nothing.

If the sun sets in the west will it always be dark the more west I go?

Just remember, dear daughter, no matter how many steps you take into the darkness, it only takes one to turn around and see the light.

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If I’m doing nothing am I really doing something and can I be doing something but actually be doing nothing?

As children often do, my daughter grew and grew. As she grew it was my arms that became empty, as she no longer wanted me to hold her and it was my heart that shattered to pieces, as it seemed she longer wanted it to beat for her.

I would knock on her door and ask, “Would you like to go nowhere today and do nothing?” To which she would just sigh and say “Dad, I’m not a little girl anymore.”

I would give her some time and distance and then I would knock on her door and ask, “Would you like to go somewhere sometime today and do something?”

To which she would reply, “Dad, I’m busy doing other things today.”

But I could tell something was going on, but I didn’t want to seem pushy, but I knew she needed me.

I gave her more time and more distance, even though it was killing me to see her so sad.

One day I knocked on her door and said, “My daughter, when you find yourself nowhere doing nothing and wanting to go somewhere to be somebody but you can’t seem to go anywhere any of the time remember I love you everywhere every second of every day simply because you are you and that’s enough.”

She gave me a sad smile and a thanks dad.

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Then I heard a voice telling me time and distance isn’t what she needs, she needs closeness and love even though it isn’t what she says.

I went and I knocked on her door and she was crying. I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. After a few minutes and a very wet shirt later, she calmed down and looked up at me and I looked into those beautiful brown eyes as she asked me a question I had been wanting to hear for so long.

“Dad, do you think we could go nowhere?”

I smiled and asked, “Daughter, what will we do when we get there?”

Then she smiled back and said, “I was thinking we would do nothing dad, absolutely nothing.”

“Daughter, there is no place I would rather be than nowhere doing absolutely nothing with you.”

As children often do, my daughter grew and grew.

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I’m Standing With You By  by Chrissy Metz-

Like Your Father Does by Rhett Walker Band-

Pray With You by Mallary Hope-

I’ll Wait by The Strumbellas-

Have To Stay by Dido –

Shed A Tear by Kodaline-

Like Arrows by Matt Hammitt-

Short Are The Years by Jason Crabb –

More Than Gonna Make It by Alisa Turner-

Fighting For Me by Riley Clemmons-

In The Morning by JJ Heller –

Hey Emily

Hey Emily, why is there sadness in your eyes

But a smile on your face?

Hey Emily, what makes you want to cry?

Why do you keep it all inside?

Hey Emily, I’m asking do you need help?

I’m here to listen or to hold your hand

Hey Emily, why would you want to be someone else?

You’re beautiful, Emily, being yourself

Hey Emily, do you know your silence speaks so loud?

I see you Emily, you’re not alone

Hey Emily, you don’t have to feel alone in a crowd

Let me be your umbrella when the rain is pouring down

Hey Emily, your light still shines

I see the you you want to be

Hey Emily, don’t give up the fight

I am here right by our side

Hey Emily, please hear what I have to say

You don’t have to carry this sadness alone

Hey Emily, let me carry some of that weight

Talk to me Emily, before it’s too late

Hey Emily, I’ve been in your shoes

Alone in the dark, alone in my room

Hey Emily, I’ll never give up on you

Hey Emily, I will never give up on you

hope you’re ok by Olivia Rodrigo –

My Mind and Me by Selena Gomez –

Ok Not to Be Okay by Demi Lovato / Marhsmellow –

Be Alright by Georgia Box –

Anxiety by Anna Clendening –
Dear Daughter by Halestorm –

Self Love by Avery Anna –

Anxiety by Julia Michaels w/ Selena Gomez –

When You’re Afraid To Be Left Alone

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When you’re afraid

to be left alone

When you want to ask for help

But can’t pick up the phone

When you look in the mirror

And the person looking back isn’t you

When you’re so tired

And you don’t know what to do

When you want to scream

But nothing will come out

When you whisper I’m not okay

But all you want to do is shout

When you’re with your friends

And they seem to be enjoying life

When you wonder if they know

All you want to do is die

When you wonder

How much you have left

When you can’t stop

Thinking about death

When you want to be left alone

But know you can’t be

When the darkness

Is all you see

When mom says going to the store

Will you be okay

You answer yes

But really want to say

No, I may not be alive

When you get home

When you really want to say

I’m afraid to be left alone

When the struggle is real

And you don’t know what to do

YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE NOT ALONE

LET THAT BE YOUR TRUTH

Lawmakers push for bill aiding suicide prevention | Coronavirus |  newspressnow.com

Too Young, Too Soon by Matthew West –

Beautiful Anyway by Judah & The Lion-

Dawn by Rebecca St. James –

You Met Me There by Rhett Walker Band –

Alive and Breathing by Matt Maher –

But Mother Knew

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Mother bird sat on her eggs for a very long time. Sometimes mother wondered if her eggs would ever hatch.

But mother knew.

The baby birds hatched and mother bird had to keep busy feeding them. Sometimes mother bird wondered if she would ever get any rest.

But mother knew.

Mother bird told her birds it was time to learn to fly. All the baby birds said they didn’t need to learn to fly, that they would always be by her side.

But mother knew.

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All the baby birds learned to fly but they all told mother bird they would be back soon.

But mother knew.

All the baby birds grew up and started families on their own. They said they would visit as soon as they could.

But mother knew.

All the birds knew mother was old and didn’t have much time left. They came home to visit. They said they would be back next week.

But mother knew.

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Mothers by Anne Wilson –

A Mother Like You by JJ Heller –

Unsung Hero by For King & Country –

Slow Down by Nichole Nordeman- 

Fast by Luke Bryan – 

When I’m Gone by Joey and Rory – 

The Pebble

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He was rolling down the mountain faster than he had ever gone. He could not believe how fast he was going.  He tried to slow down, but he couldn’t figure out how. Once a pebble gets rolling, there is only one thing to stop him. He saw them in the distance but they were getting closer and closer the faster he went. There was no way to avoid the big, bad boulders so he just closed his eyes and

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“Hey pebble, what do you think you are doing??!!” shouted the boulders. “Can’t you see how close to the edge we are? We have been balancing on this ledge for a very long time. We don’t need a little pebble like you messing our situation up.”

The pebble shook with fear.  He had never seen boulders that big before. “I-I-I’m ssssorry. I didn’t mean to hit you but I was going so fast I couldn’t stop. Thank you for stopping me though. Do you think I could stay here?”

The boulders answered with a stern “NO!! We don’t need you here. You are not one of us and would mess our lives up with all your little talk.”

The pebble didn’t like their answer but went on his way. He tried to take it slower but with each downward slope and each breath of wind that blew he didn’t have much choice. He was so small he went wherever the wind blew him. Most days he didn’t mind, every day was an adventure. He never knew where he would end up. Other days, he just wanted to stop and fit in somewhere. He wanted someone to like him, for him to be a part of something bigger than himself.

A big gust of wind started to blow and off the pebble went again. He was going so fast he would hit the ground then bounce up in the air.  He felt like he was flying. “This must be how the birds feel,” he thought to himself.

Oh crap, more boulders ahead,  the pebble screamed inside.  “Look out boulders, I am coming right at you.  I can’t stop!!!” yelled the pebble.

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Once again the pebble was met with disdain. “Get out of here pebble. We are way too powerful for you. Do you NOT realize that we can squash you if we wanted to. You are too tiny to live here.  Be on your way before we change our minds and decide to hurt you.”

The pebble didn’t waste any time scurrying from that place. He thought,  What is wrong with all these boulders? Don’t they realize I don’t mean to smash into them. I’m just trying to find my way.  Like I could ever hurt them anyway.

It was then he heard a small voice in the wind.” Go pebble go. Go where the wind takes you. You are more powerful than you know. Everything that is and has happened to you is for a reason. I didn’t mean you any harm when you crashed into those boulders. I was using you to try to change their hearts. To learn to be more accepting. To love something other than their own pile of boulders. It is not too late for them for you have planted a seed everywhere I have sent you. The choice is theirs. You tried. Keep trying and going forward. Do not be afraid.”

The pebble looked around but did not see anyone. Strange, he thought. At that time another gust of wind picked him up and took him on his way.

Not again, seriously, the pebble thought unbelieving. Why can’t I crash into a pile of grass or a stream of water. Why another pile of boulders? He braced himself for impact.

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This time the boulders didn’t yell at him. “Help us,” said the boulders. “We are about to fall off the edge.”

“How can I help you? I am just a small pebble,” the pebble asked. He was thinking this had to be some kind of trick.

“We are about to fall off the edge and we have been asking for someone like you. See this small hole in between us? We need you to jump in there and seal it so we can be strong. With you securing that hole, we don’t have to worry about falling off the ledge.”

Wow, thought the pebble. They really need me. “You can count on me,” he bravely said. “I have been wanting a place to settle down. A place that will accept me for who I am.”

He then jumped right into the hole and secured the boulders together.

“Thank you,” he humbly said, to the boulders and to that small voice he heard.

It was then they heard this rumbling coming down the mountain. All these boulders were falling all around them but , miraculously, none of the falling boulders hit them. The pebble recognized them as the same boulders who yelled at him and told him they didn’t want him.

“Thank you,” said the boulders he was with now. ” Without you, we would’ve had the same fate as those boulders. You saved us pebble.”

Free To Be Me by Francesca Battistelli – 

Who I Am by Blanca – 

True To Yourself by Vanessa Amorisi – 

Dare You To Move by Switchfoot  – 

Hurricane by Misterwives – 

Let Me Be Myself by 3 Doors Down – 

Invisible by Hunter Hayes – 

Try by Colbie Caillat – 

True Colors by Cyndi Lauper – 

I Hate That I Can’t Hate You

I hate that door you walked out of

I hate that bed where we made love

I hate that couch where you sat beside me

I hate Yellowstone and every damn movie

I hate that kitchen where you made dinner

I hate how thoughts of you linger

I hate remembering how your hand fit in mine

I hate not being able to fall asleep at night

I hate all these memories

I hate there was ever a you and me

I hate everything you’ve done and do

I hate that I can’t hate you

I hate seeing that smile on your face

I hate thinking of him in my place

I hate how I got all your lies

I hate how he gets the butterfly

I hate how I can’t trust my heart

I hate sitting alone here in the dark

I hate that I’m even saying these words

I hate that you can’t feel this hurt

I hate that after every thing you put me through

I hate that I can’t hate you

Shouldn’t Matter But It Does by John Mayer –

Messy by Carly Pearce –

That Was Something

We were growing up and knew it all

Nothing but a good time, thought we’d never fall

Looking back I realize we knew nothing

That was 1980 something

Turned 21, got drunk and grew up

We kept falling in and out of love

Living life, man we were running

That was when we were twenty something

Met the girl that changed my world

Got married and had a couple girls

Figuring it out as we were living and loving

That was when we were thirty something

Girls grew up and we grew apart

Didn’t know time would break our hearts

I know I didn’t see this one coming

That was when we were forty something

Got a new house, got a new life

Fell in love, might ask her to be my wife

All these years led me to what I’m becoming

That was when I was fifty something

Heading into winter but summers not over

And the end’s getting a little closer

Don’t know what the next decade will bring

Guess we’ll see when I’m sixty something

Moments turn to memories and the sun will set one last time

And I’ll have gratitude for all that’s been a part of my life

I’ll smile and shake my head, thinking wasn’t that something

Living, loving, laughing, crying, my life, that was something

If I Could Go Back In Time

If I could go back in time

I’d take away everything that caused you pain

I’d tell you that guy’s a jerk and to stay away

I’d tell you not to cross that line

If I could go back in time

I’d be sure you wouldn’t have any scars

I’d be sure you’d never have to unbreak your heart

I’d be sure you would never have to cry

If I could go back in time

From an early age I’d tell you to love yourself

So you’d never have to look for it from someone else

So your eyes would be open, not blind

But if I went back in time

And erased all the things you went through

Then you really wouldn’t be you

You wouldn’t have had those mountains to climb

And you wouldn’t have came out on the other side

Your broken heart and all those scars

Have made you to be exactly who you are

A person who’s learned how to fight

A person who’s left the dark and is finding the light

A person who is stronger than they know

A person who is continuing to grow

A person who I love having in my life

For that I know if I could go back in time

The only thing I wish I could do

Would be to have more time with you

Holding hands, walking side by side

Not Going There Again

I feel the room start to spin

I feel it pulling me in

For a second, I feel like it might win

Hold my breath and count to ten

Open my eyes and see where I am

Remember that yesterday is a foreign land

Right here, right now I take my stand

‘Cause when I look in the mirror I like this man

I may walk this path alone

Singing a new song

Thankful for how much I’ve grown

Loving this new home

Got rid of all the debris

You can walk beside me

Or you can let me be

It’s not that hard to see

Broke those chains that bound

That were holding me down

Loving this life I’ve found

I see beauty all around

Inside My Head (Seeing A Therapist)

Wow! It is hard to believe this was 17 months ago. I wanted to repost it to encourage others to not give up. It is a slow, long process to get from where I was to where I am. Take small steps each day. If you take a step back, do not beat yourself up, give yourself grace. One of the biggest things I have learned is YOU have to do the work. God can tell you what you need to do, your therapist/counselor can tell you what to do, but until YOU do the work, you will not heal and live the way you are meant to live. If God or someone told you to be entirely healed, no more depression, anxiety, self doubt, not liking yourself, etc. you must walk 12 hours a day for the next 7 days, I am betting there are not many people that would do that work, even though they know after 7 days they will be healed.

It is up to you and you are stronger than your storm, braver than the battles you fight, and you are worth it. Believe it!!

Since early September, I’ve been seeing a therapist

Thought I’d knock some things off my list

I knew I had one or two, no more than three

But inside of my head is a scary place to be

The monsters in my head

Have been fed and fed

I found things I forgot I lost

Buried deep, but at a cost

Didn’t want to talk but I spilled my guts

Didn’t know I was this messed up

Often putting myself in solitary

To find out I’m my own worst adversary

I’ve had walls built so high

I forgot what was locked inside

They say scars make you stronger but they hurt like hell

I never knew I had so many stories to tell

Didn’t know I was broken until those words were spoken

Here I am standing on the ledge hopin’

Someone, anyone will pull me back

But I don’t think I know anyone like that

Can you hear me shout?

My silence is so loud

Slowly we’ve been tearing some of those walls down

A little hope but, at times, I felt as if I would drown

We all grieve in our own way

I kept throwing things in an open grave

Tossing my feelings and emotions inside

Always looking for a place to hide

No fears, no tears for too many years

All the while, collecting a lot of souvenirs

But those souvenirs were really just debris

Weighing me down, keeping me from being me

Little did I know they were tearing my world apart

All those things that were hidden in the dark

I’m starting to see in a new light

I know my life’s worth the fight

I still don’t know what’s on the other side of the door

But I’ll take the next step forward to be healthier than before

Citizen Soldier is one of my favorite bands and most of their songs I feel like they were inside my head when they wrote them so here are some of their songs.

Bedroom Ceiling-

I’m Not Okay-

If I Surrender-

Hand Me Down-

Weight Of The World-

Stronger Than My Storm-

Invisible-

Would Anyone Care? –

Just Be Happy-