I’m sitting on a wooden dock. The sun setting in front of me, my shadow stretching out behind me. The pinks, oranges, yellows, and reds from the sky color the water in front of me. Fireflies are starting to come out of their hiding places and light up the dark that’s approaching. The only sounds I hear are the crickets and the waves saying hello to the shore. I pay them no attention. Honestly, I’m so lost in my thoughts that a marching band could be playing behind me and I don’t think I’d really hear them.
That was three months ago.
They say no one heals the same. Grief is such a strange thing. Some days I feel like I’m going to be okay , but most days I just feel stuck. Like a mouse in a mousetrap. Trying so hard to get out of the trap but getting nowhere.
Today, I’m sitting on the same wooden dock. I haven’t seen the sun in days. Gray skies block the sun. My shadow has gone into hiding and the water is dark. The fireflies have gone into hibernation, dreaming of warm summer days to come again. The waves still quietly say hello to the shore. The never ending need to be seen and heard. I take a deep breath and exhale, watching my breath leave my body. It’s so cold my tears freeze as they roll down my cheek. I’m still so lost a bear could wander out of the woods and sit down beside me and I would pay it no mind.
How do I get over you being gone?
I feel hopeless. Prayers won’t bring you back. I feel so weak, but I know I’m not. It takes strength to wake up every day and get out of bed and continue life without you here. A strength, fortunately, most people don’t have to find, at least today. If only they lived each day like it would be their last, if I had lived each day like it would’ve been our last.
If I had lived that last day knowing it was my last day with you. Would I have done anything differently?
That’s the nagging question. Would I have done anything differently? I loved you with every ounce of my being but did you know that? I would’ve laid down for my life for you but did I ever tell you that? Or did you somehow know that without my words? If I had known would I have stayed up all night talking about everything, and nothing, to hear your voice for a few more hours, a few more minutes? If I had known, would I have held you a little tighter as we slept together one last time? Or would I have stayed awake just staring at you so I could memorize everything about your face?
Damn, these voices are so loud but I don’t know what is worse. All these questions or this silence that is so deafening sitting here.
I know I am punishing myself sitting here in the cold. Maybe if enough tears fall, I will wash you out of my system. Maybe if I shiver enough it will shake you out of my system. But I know neither of these will work.
You will still be here. Trapped inside my broken heart.
I look out at the dark water and talk to no one. Or maybe you are there. I don’t know.
What do I know?
I know that somehow I’m getting stronger each day. I know I am appreciating life more each day. I know I am more resilient than I thought I ever could be. I know with each breath in and each breath out that my heart is still beating.
I know the grass is greener after a thunderstorm. I know the sun and the stars are still behind these gray clouds. And I know the sunset is only the ending to that day and that the sunrise tomorrow will be a new day.
I know a broken heart heals one stitch at a time. Today, I will add another stitch. And someday it will be healed and the scar will make it stronger.
I know the earth keeps spinning, the sun will continue to shine, even behind the clouds, and that life goes on.
I know I can’t stay in this place. I know I need to find a way to move forward. Life hasn’t stopped and I know it’s time for me to get on with mine.
I know this pain is real. I know it will always be here. I know it will lessen with time.
Maybe the thing I know the most is I will always love you.
Maybe that’s enough for today.
I pick myself up off the dock and look back at the water again.
And with that I take a step forward. And then another. And then another.
I believe music can inspire, give hope, make you cry, make you think, and a million other things. I want to start posting some music that I really think speak to the times we are in. As you know, I listen to everything so tune in every day, never know what you will get.
For our 15th song, I chose Healing by Blessid Union Of Souls. I think the lyrics speak for themselves on why I chose this one. We all pray for things we don’t need, but as we mature we pray for what the world needs. We need healing, we need peace.
I used to pray for things that I don’t need Trouble God with all my vanities Used to pray for things that I shouldn’t want I meant to give thanks, but I forgot
Now I pray for healing I pray for peace I pray for healing For you and me
I used to pray that all my bills got paid And that we’d get safely to the shows we played. I used to think I didn’t have enough… Now I give because I know I have too much
And I pray for healing, Oh God, send relief I pray for healing This time it’s not for me
I used to pray my kids would grow up happy Now I pray that they grow up at all But I refuse to let these fears devour me Cause I know it won’t be long Before we’re standing tall again
I used to pray when things were not so fine But now I find myself praying all the time Now all the things that I used to pray for Suddenly don’t mean a thing no more
Cause now I pray for healing I pray for peace I pray for healing for you And for you And for you And for you I pray for you So pray for me Pray for peace