Forget the past – My God, My Music, My Life

She had mixed emotions as she approached the tree. She wasn’t even sure why she was here after all this time. She continued up the hill to where the tree was and sat in the shade of its branches. With her back to the tree she looked up and asked, “Why am I here?”

Yes, this was the same tree where she met him. She was okay before she met him. She had great friends that made her laugh. She did well in school and was the second best scorer on the basketball team. Her parents loved her even though her dad wasn’t around much. She was an innocent girl. She came to the tree to get a break from the summer heat.

That’s when he walked up to her. It was under this same shade tree that she let her guard down and welcomed him into her life. She immediately took a liking to him and opened up to him. She told him about all her fears, her concerns, her feeling unwanted by her dad. She knew he loved her but he was never around. Too busy working, too busy hanging with anyone but her.

That’s all he needed to hear and he knew she would be his. He was smooth talking and was easy on the eyes. She fell for him hard. It wasn’t long before she was doing things she never thought she would do until she was married. She started drinking. She started fighting with parents. She started sneaking out of the house. She missed more curfews than she can remember.

“Oh God, why am I back here?!!” she yelled.

She thought about the mess he caused of her life. Well, she knew she caused it but it was all because of him. He promised so much but fell so short. She thought back and could only shake her head and laugh. “I gave up so much for him. I was a mess. So why am I back here? Did I just want to see where it all started one more time? Was I wanting to go back to that life? Was I missing the excitement that he gave me? ”

No, that wasn’t it. She was happy where her life had taken her. She was happy with her family. She had the most amazing daughters and she couldn’t even begin to tell you how amazing her husband is. She found herself remembering the day she said yes to Jesus and no to him. She remembers the darkness that left her. She remembers the freedom she felt. It really was astounding to think that someone died for her. That someone gave His life so she can live. After all she had done, He still welcomed her home. Back to the place she was before she met him. Even when she had betrayed Him and went her own ways, He was still there waiting for her. She thought to herself, now that is an amazing story.

She thought about her journey. The good, the bad, the ugly. So why was she back here? Why did she have to come here? What was she missing in her life that she would go back to him? No, that wasn’t it. She wasn’t here to go back to him. As crazy as it sounds she thought she was here for closure. She was here to say good-bye once and for all.

“You tried to break me. You tried to turn me into your toy and it worked for awhile. But I am better off without you. I am better now that you are gone. I have Jesus and I don’t need you. You have no place in my life. I am stronger because of you and for that I thank you. I won’t fall for your tricks again though. Even when I feel you pulling me I know the pleasure isn’t worth the pain. It’s not worth the hangover the next morning. The shame and guilt. I’m past that. I am new now and I will never go back to you. There is one in my life that is stronger than you. One that is better than you. One that doesn’t lie to me. One that will hold me, will love me no matter what I have done. Good-bye to you. I am and always will be better off with you gone. Dead and gone. Like you made me for that period of my life when I fell for you. But I am alive and I am here because of Jesus. You are dead to me.”

“I am a widow to my old self, to my past sins, to him. I am a widow to the death that was inside me.”

“Thank you God for never giving up on me. Thank you God for searching for me when I was lost. Thank you for carrying me when I was too weak to walk. Thank you for holding my hand when I just needed to have you with me. Thank you for listening to me when I need to talk. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for loving me and thank you for who you are. I promise I will not go back to that life again. Thank you for the power of your love that I can walk away from him, he is truly dead to me and I have you to thank for that. You are all I need.”

With that she got up and walked back down the hill. She never looked back. She did look up and smiled.

Satisfy by Worship Mob – Long video but listen to 5:30 to the end if time is short

Surrender by Blanca –

Name by Nichole Nordeman –

Broken Hallelujah by The Afters –

Back Where I Began by Seventh Day Slumber –

Give Me Jesus by Jeremy Camp –

That Was Then, This Is Now by Josh Wilson –

Grace Wins by Matthew West –

Your Grace Finds Me by Matt Redman –

Thank You by Jesus Army –

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Dear God,

First I just want to say thanks for this beautiful weather to end the summer and start the fall. I can’t even remember the last time it wasn’t sunny. In fact, it has been so nice I have almost forgotten about all the rain we had at the beginning of the summer. Isn’t that how you want us to live though? Forget the past, don’t worry about the future, live for today.

In this life I know I will have troubles but I keep pushing forward to the prize that awaits me. I am sorry God that many times I have been so caught up in the bad things in my life that I let them consume me. I complain about the rain but I know you will give me sunny skies in the near future. I get caught up in anger at the person that hurt me that I forget to forgive them and let you handle it. I close myself off because someone broke my heart and I forget that you made us to love. I see temptations all around me and when I fall for them and want to beat myself up that I forget that you sent Jesus to die for us so that I am no longer condemned.

I just want to thank you God for all the heartbreaks. All the times that I didn’t think I could go on but I picked myself up off the floor and I am stronger today for it. I wouldn’t love like I do now if I remembered all the hurt from the heartbreaks.

I want to thank you God for the pain. Thank you for making me strong enough to fight through it. Thank you for showing me there is a light at the end of the struggle.

I want to thank you God for the cold and miserable days. Without them I wouldn’t appreciate the warm sun on my face as much. I wouldn’t appreciate each season if they did not change (but I know at sometime I would like to live in a warm all year around climate).

I want to thank you God for letting me make bad choices. I can see the wisdom in my good choices because of the bad ones I have made. I have made some pretty bad choices. Thank you for giving me the sense of humor to look back at those choices and laugh now instead of living in regret.

I want to thank you God for the times I have lost. Whether it was in a sporting event, a job, a relationship, anything that I have lost. I would not appreciate the times I have won without those losses.

I want to thank you God for the ashes. I would not see the beauty of this world that you have made without the ashes.

Thank you God for the darkness. Thank you for the times I have been lost so that I could look for your light and find my way.

Thank you for the roads less traveled. They may not be the roads I would have chosen to travel on but I have learned so much more about me and about you on those roads. Who wants to be on the easy roads everyone else is on anyway? Less traffic on these roads you keep putting me on.

God, I want to say thanks for getting me out of my box and helping me share you. I know you will use what I write to touch someone just at the right time. I am sorry for the times I doubt myself and wonder if anyone is really reading them. That is not for me to worry about but for you to handle.

Thank you God for the battles you have won on my behalf. I know without a doubt that you have defeated the enemy for me without me even knowing I was being attacked.

Most of all I want to thank you God for loving me and accepting me just as I am. I don’t even want to think about the things I would do to be accepted by this world if that were not true. I know because you made me that I can just be me and not worry about needing others acceptance. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to die for my sins so that I could live free of guilt and shame.