She had mixed emotions as she approached the tree. She wasn’t even sure why she was here after all this time. She continued up the hill to where the tree was and sat in the shade of its branches. With her back to the tree she looked up and asked, “Why am I here?”
Yes, this was the same tree where she met him. She was okay before she met him. She had great friends that made her laugh. She did well in school and was the second best scorer on the basketball team. Her parents loved her even though her dad wasn’t around much. She was an innocent girl. She came to the tree to get a break from the summer heat.
That’s when he walked up to her. It was under this same shade tree that she let her guard down and welcomed him into her life. She immediately took a liking to him and opened up to him. She told him about all her fears, her concerns, her feeling unwanted by her dad. She knew he loved her but he was never around. Too busy working, too busy hanging with anyone but her.
That’s all he needed to hear and he knew she would be his. He was smooth talking and was easy on the eyes. She fell for him hard. It wasn’t long before she was doing things she never thought she would do until she was married. She started drinking. She started fighting with parents. She started sneaking out of the house. She missed more curfews than she can remember.
“Oh God, why am I back here?!!” she yelled.
She thought about the mess he caused of her life. Well, she knew she caused it but it was all because of him. He promised so much but fell so short. She thought back and could only shake her head and laugh. “I gave up so much for him. I was a mess. So why am I back here? Did I just want to see where it all started one more time? Was I wanting to go back to that life? Was I missing the excitement that he gave me? ”
No, that wasn’t it. She was happy where her life had taken her. She was happy with her family. She had the most amazing daughters and she couldn’t even begin to tell you how amazing her husband is. She found herself remembering the day she said yes to Jesus and no to him. She remembers the darkness that left her. She remembers the freedom she felt. It really was astounding to think that someone died for her. That someone gave His life so she can live. After all she had done, He still welcomed her home. Back to the place she was before she met him. Even when she had betrayed Him and went her own ways, He was still there waiting for her. She thought to herself, now that is an amazing story.
She thought about her journey. The good, the bad, the ugly. So why was she back here? Why did she have to come here? What was she missing in her life that she would go back to him? No, that wasn’t it. She wasn’t here to go back to him. As crazy as it sounds she thought she was here for closure. She was here to say good-bye once and for all.
“You tried to break me. You tried to turn me into your toy and it worked for awhile. But I am better off without you. I am better now that you are gone. I have Jesus and I don’t need you. You have no place in my life. I am stronger because of you and for that I thank you. I won’t fall for your tricks again though. Even when I feel you pulling me I know the pleasure isn’t worth the pain. It’s not worth the hangover the next morning. The shame and guilt. I’m past that. I am new now and I will never go back to you. There is one in my life that is stronger than you. One that is better than you. One that doesn’t lie to me. One that will hold me, will love me no matter what I have done. Good-bye to you. I am and always will be better off with you gone. Dead and gone. Like you made me for that period of my life when I fell for you. But I am alive and I am here because of Jesus. You are dead to me.”
“I am a widow to my old self, to my past sins, to him. I am a widow to the death that was inside me.”
“Thank you God for never giving up on me. Thank you God for searching for me when I was lost. Thank you for carrying me when I was too weak to walk. Thank you for holding my hand when I just needed to have you with me. Thank you for listening to me when I need to talk. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for loving me and thank you for who you are. I promise I will not go back to that life again. Thank you for the power of your love that I can walk away from him, he is truly dead to me and I have you to thank for that. You are all I need.”
With that she got up and walked back down the hill. She never looked back. She did look up and smiled.
Satisfy by Worship Mob – Long video but listen to 5:30 to the end if time is short
Surrender by Blanca –
Name by Nichole Nordeman –
Broken Hallelujah by The Afters –
Back Where I Began by Seventh Day Slumber –
Give Me Jesus by Jeremy Camp –
That Was Then, This Is Now by Josh Wilson –
Grace Wins by Matthew West –
Your Grace Finds Me by Matt Redman –
Thank You by Jesus Army –