I am in a hurricane – My God, My Music, My Life

God, we need to talk! This isn’t working for me. I have been doing everything you are asking me to. I am stressed, going insane, and a complete mess. I didn’t think this was how following you was supposed to be. Yes, I know it’s not all roses and champagne but I am lost. I don’t know how much longer I can stand in this hurricane on my own. The rain and winds are battering me, beating me down. Everytime I get a step up, I get knocked two steps back. God, why are you letting this happen to me? Can you not give me a day of relief?

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Why now God? I had been doing so well hadn’t I? I could feel you with me. I could feel your presence just a short time ago. I called upon you and you were there. Everytime I would feel you I would feel like my heart was going to bounce out of my chest. I honestly would have tears in my eyes. Then, like that, you were gone and you haven’t been back. I feel like I am falling down a bottomless pit. I keep reaching up but I can’t find your hand. Where are you God?

To top it all off it is the start of the holiday season. Just when everyone else is getting in the spirit, I am falling apart. I am thankful for this. I am thankful for that. Blah blah blah. I don’t want to be harsh God but what do I have to be thankful for? I am at an all-time low. The winds are tossing and tumbling me about. I have been fighting, but God I am tired. I am tired of fighting. How can I fight an endless barrage of turmoil? How can I fight the insults? How can I fight the gossip? You know I have a hard time trusting people and now that wall is coming back up. We fought so hard to knock it down and we were doing a wonderful job but the more people I meet and the more I get out of my comfort zone, the more bricks are being put on the wall. Why do I do this? Why can’t I just trust people? Why can’t I just trust You? Why do I keep trying to do things my way?

Why am I so frustrated? With everything. Why can’t I appreciate what I have? Why can’t I be thankful?

Relocate. I need to relocate. Relocate my thoughts. If the hurricane is in my mind, I need to relocate my thoughts. Okay God, let’s give this a shot.

I am frustrated at my running injuries. It is getting me down. It has been two years since I have been able to run full speed. I am able to run but it is so much slower than I used to run. I am thankful I can run at all. It wasn’t that long ago that I couldn’t run because of the pain. Now I am starting all over again. I am not as fast as I used to be. Heck, I weigh twenty pounds more than I did then. God, help me to slowly lose the weight and slowly get faster and have more endurance.

I am depressed because this is a bad time of year for me. When the impossible became possible a few years ago. I am thankful our marriage is still together. I am thankful our family is still together. I am thankful that you ,God, were here in the midst of all of the pain and the rebuilding.

I am angry at certain people in my life. People that keep trying to throw me under the bus. People that believe the lies they are being told. They know the person I am and that I would never do those things but yet… I am thankful I have people in my life that believe in me. People that know who I am and that I don’t have to prove myself to them.

Well now that I read this over God, I don’t have much to complain about. A lot of people have it worse than me. I am sorry. Help them first. I will wait.

God, even though I have doubts about what you are doing in my life, I am thankful that you are in my life. Even though I wonder where you are, I am thankful that I can see you all around me. I am thankful I have eyes to see the beauty of the world you made around me. I am thankful I have ears to hear the beautiful sounds. I am thankful I have arms and legs. I am thankful I have a mind, even though it can be delusional. I am thankful I have a wife, a family, a home, food to eat, and a job to go to.

God, I want to tell you I am most thankful for you. Thank you for listening. I was a little upset earlier but just talking to you has helped. I should’ve done that a long time ago instead of letting all this fester inside me.

God, take me where you want me to go. I pray that I will follow and be thankful for where we end up. God, give me words to speak . I pray that I will use them wisely and that they will help others in this world. God, give me heart of gratitude. Give me an appreciation of thankfulness for what I have. Thank you for loving me enough to die for me.

I will try to remember all the good you have done for me when I am in times of trouble. I will try to remember that these times will make me stronger. I will be thankful that you are there through all of it. Thank you God for forgiving me when I doubt, for loving me when I hate, and for all the wrong I do when I am just me. I want to be more like you. Thank you God for giving me that chance.