That Was Something

We were growing up and knew it all

Nothing but a good time, thought we’d never fall

Looking back I realize we knew nothing

That was 1980 something

Turned 21, got drunk and grew up

We kept falling in and out of love

Living life, man we were running

That was when we were twenty something

Met the girl that changed my world

Got married and had a couple girls

Figuring it out as we were living and loving

That was when we were thirty something

Girls grew up and we grew apart

Didn’t know time would break our hearts

I know I didn’t see this one coming

That was when we were forty something

Got a new house, got a new life

Fell in love, might ask her to be my wife

All these years led me to what I’m becoming

That was when I was fifty something

Heading into winter but summers not over

And the end’s getting a little closer

Don’t know what the next decade will bring

Guess we’ll see when I’m sixty something

Moments turn to memories and the sun will set one last time

And I’ll have gratitude for all that’s been a part of my life

I’ll smile and shake my head, thinking wasn’t that something

Living, loving, laughing, crying, my life, that was something

If I Could Go Back In Time

If I could go back in time

I’d take away everything that caused you pain

I’d tell you that guy’s a jerk and to stay away

I’d tell you not to cross that line

If I could go back in time

I’d be sure you wouldn’t have any scars

I’d be sure you’d never have to unbreak your heart

I’d be sure you would never have to cry

If I could go back in time

From an early age I’d tell you to love yourself

So you’d never have to look for it from someone else

So your eyes would be open, not blind

But if I went back in time

And erased all the things you went through

Then you really wouldn’t be you

You wouldn’t have had those mountains to climb

And you wouldn’t have came out on the other side

Your broken heart and all those scars

Have made you to be exactly who you are

A person who’s learned how to fight

A person who’s left the dark and is finding the light

A person who is stronger than they know

A person who is continuing to grow

A person who I love having in my life

For that I know if I could go back in time

The only thing I wish I could do

Would be to have more time with you

Holding hands, walking side by side

Not Going There Again

I feel the room start to spin

I feel it pulling me in

For a second, I feel like it might win

Hold my breath and count to ten

Open my eyes and see where I am

Remember that yesterday is a foreign land

Right here, right now I take my stand

‘Cause when I look in the mirror I like this man

I may walk this path alone

Singing a new song

Thankful for how much I’ve grown

Loving this new home

Got rid of all the debris

You can walk beside me

Or you can let me be

It’s not that hard to see

Broke those chains that bound

That were holding me down

Loving this life I’ve found

I see beauty all around

Inside My Head (Seeing A Therapist)

Wow! It is hard to believe this was 17 months ago. I wanted to repost it to encourage others to not give up. It is a slow, long process to get from where I was to where I am. Take small steps each day. If you take a step back, do not beat yourself up, give yourself grace. One of the biggest things I have learned is YOU have to do the work. God can tell you what you need to do, your therapist/counselor can tell you what to do, but until YOU do the work, you will not heal and live the way you are meant to live. If God or someone told you to be entirely healed, no more depression, anxiety, self doubt, not liking yourself, etc. you must walk 12 hours a day for the next 7 days, I am betting there are not many people that would do that work, even though they know after 7 days they will be healed.

It is up to you and you are stronger than your storm, braver than the battles you fight, and you are worth it. Believe it!!

Since early September, I’ve been seeing a therapist

Thought I’d knock some things off my list

I knew I had one or two, no more than three

But inside of my head is a scary place to be

The monsters in my head

Have been fed and fed

I found things I forgot I lost

Buried deep, but at a cost

Didn’t want to talk but I spilled my guts

Didn’t know I was this messed up

Often putting myself in solitary

To find out I’m my own worst adversary

I’ve had walls built so high

I forgot what was locked inside

They say scars make you stronger but they hurt like hell

I never knew I had so many stories to tell

Didn’t know I was broken until those words were spoken

Here I am standing on the ledge hopin’

Someone, anyone will pull me back

But I don’t think I know anyone like that

Can you hear me shout?

My silence is so loud

Slowly we’ve been tearing some of those walls down

A little hope but, at times, I felt as if I would drown

We all grieve in our own way

I kept throwing things in an open grave

Tossing my feelings and emotions inside

Always looking for a place to hide

No fears, no tears for too many years

All the while, collecting a lot of souvenirs

But those souvenirs were really just debris

Weighing me down, keeping me from being me

Little did I know they were tearing my world apart

All those things that were hidden in the dark

I’m starting to see in a new light

I know my life’s worth the fight

I still don’t know what’s on the other side of the door

But I’ll take the next step forward to be healthier than before

Citizen Soldier is one of my favorite bands and most of their songs I feel like they were inside my head when they wrote them so here are some of their songs.

Bedroom Ceiling-

I’m Not Okay-

If I Surrender-

Hand Me Down-

Weight Of The World-

Stronger Than My Storm-


Would Anyone Care? –

Just Be Happy-

Fire Alarm, Fire Alarm

Fire alarm, fire alarm, why do you hate me so?

Why, at 1 and 4 am, do you think there’s fire and smoke?

Is it because I forgot to change your battery?

Is that a reason to be that cruel to me?

Why not remind me at 7 or 9 pm on a Monday?

Is it because this is the game you like to play?

I’ve got news for you, even though I lost ten minutes of sleep

I will have a great day, my grateful attitude I will keep

Especially when I saw this beautiful sunrise

Fire alarm, fire alarm, I’m thankful you’re here to save my life

Charlie Chases Cars

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Charlie was just a young puppy when he chased his first car. Charlie loved the thrill of chasing cars. Charlie wondered what would happen when he caught one.

Charlie grew bigger and faster. Charlie ran every day to build up his strength to catch a car. Charlie didn’t have time to play with other dogs. Any dog that tried to get close to Charlie, Charlie would run over on his way to try to catch another car.

Then one day, Charlie was chasing a car when he saw Bella. The world stopped for Charlie. Charlie didn’t think about chasing cars as much.

Charlie and Bella fell in love. Charlie and Bella started having puppies. Charlie and Bella were happy. Charlie started to worry about how he could provide for them.

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Charlie started chasing cars again. Charlie ran and ran. Charlie would stay out late chasing cars.

Charlie and Bella started to fight. Bella was left all alone while Charlie chased cars. Charlie’s kids wanted him to be home more. Charlie’s kids wanted to spend time with their dad.

Charlie kept chasing cars.

Then one day it happened. Charlie caught a car. Charlie was so happy. Charlie thought I finally did it. But in that same moment, Charlie had another thought.

Now what?

Charlie realized he had made it to the top but that he had destroyed his life. Charlie had no friends. Charlie and Bella didn’t talk anymore. Charlie didn’t know what his kids were like.

Charlie was miserable at the top. All the long hours, all the sacrifices, all the birthdays he missed to get there.

Charlie wished he didn’t want to chase cars. Charlie wished he could do things differently. Charlie wondered if they would ever forgive him.

Charlie didn’t want to chase cars anymore.

Image result for a thousand years from now it will not matter

Cat’s In The Cradle by Harry Chapin – 

Lose My Soul by Tobymac-  

Just Another Birthday by Casting Crowns – 

Love I Leave Behind by Hannah Kerr – 

Without You by For King & Country – 

How Could You Leave Us by NF – 

Without Love by Bon Jovi – 

Your Rose Garden

Image result for rose garden

This is one I first posted in 2018, reposted in 2020 and for some reason, I keep getting a pull to repost it so here it is. Over the years it has been one of my most viewed so maybe the pull I am feeling is that someone will read it that needs forgiveness or needs to give forgiveness, that needs to heal. (And I realize that maybe, just maybe, the pull is for myself to grow, forgive, and heal.)

Your Rose Garden

I watched you for what seemed like hours as you tended to your rose garden. I never understood why you would want to have so many roses and why you would want to spend so much time out there. You would always say you loved the way the dirt smelled. You would spend countless summer days bent over the garden, sweat dripping from your brow, pulling the weeds and pruning the roses. You would come inside sweaty, dirty, and looking exhausted but you always had a smile on your face.

I don’t get it, I would say. You would reply, what’s their to get. It’s my time to do what I love and it’s my time I spend all alone with God. You should hear the conversations we have. I would always reply I don’t know if I want to and we would laugh.

Even in the dark cold days of winter you would get bundled up and go outside to walk the path through your garden. Talking to them, touching their dead branches. Of course, I didn’t get that either. Why on earth? You would always say that they aren’t dead. There is life inside of them. They are like a lot of people in this world. Walking dead but there is life in them. It’s up to us to bring that life out. Waiting patiently, for today they may appear dead but with tomorrow there is always hope that kindness, love, and compassion will give them life.

30 Ways to Incorporate Roses into Your Backyard

You were like that. You had a natural beauty that I was instantly attracted to but it was your inner beauty that would light up my heart. You could walk into a dark room and it would be like someone turned on the lights.

It is the type of person you were.

Until one day you were taken from me. A teenager was texting and driving and ran into you. Neither of you survived. God needed his angel back and I had to pay the price. At your funeral the pastor recited your favorite bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Forget you God. If this is your plan then I don’t want any part of it. I looked out the back window and saw your rose garden. In my grief, I ran outside and I pulled and broke and cut every rose bush. I screamed and hollered your name. I screamed at God.

Out of breath, cut, scratched, and bleeding from the thorns, I dropped to my knees and let my tears water the lifeless dirt.

Summer turned to winter and, like the days , my heart grew darker and colder. I didn’t know how to live without you. I didn’t want to live without you. God should’ve taken me with you. My pain was too much to bear.

I looked out the window and saw the bare garden. I finally understood what you meant. Even if they appeared dead, at least they were still there. Now there was nothing but bare dirt. I grieved more as I recalled that day I destroyed what you loved.

Pin on In The Name Of The Father,Son And Holy Ghost Amen

As seasons go, winter turned to spring. We had an early spring this year. I looked out the window and could not believe my eyes. Somehow in the very back of the garden, barely visible from where I stood, a rose bush had survived and now had two roses blooming.

I ran outside as fast as I could. I had to touch them to see if they were real. As I did, I could swear I caught a faint scent of you. Then in the spring breeze I could swear I heard your laughter. I immediately dropped to my knees and grabbed a handful of dirt. It smelled so full of life.

In that moment, I felt my heart start to beat again.

I went out and bought as many rose bushes as I could find. There had to be at least a hundred of them and I was going to fix what I destroyed.

I was going to fix your rose garden.

I labored for hours that first day. I went to bed exhausted, sore and smelling like dirt but I woke up refreshed, ready to start again.

But, I realized I could not do it on my own.

I looked at my phone, hesitant to dial their number. I dialed anyway. I called the teenagers parents and they came over to help.

I think all of us healed a little bit that day.

Finding Healing Through Forgiveness

I watched every day as your garden came back to life. I spent hours out there talking to you. I slowly learned to talk to God again.

Summer rolled around and I was in the garden every day. Sweat rolling off every inch of my body but it was okay. I stood up to take a break and I swear I felt your hand touch mine. I closed my eyes remembering what your touch felt like. I looked down at my hand, but yours was not there. I started to lift it up when a beautiful butterfly landed in my palm. Then a sliver of light fell right on it, giving it its own spotlight. I smiled, then the butterfly fluttered toward my face and touched my cheek, as if giving me a kiss. Then it flew to a nearby rose and I did something I hadn’t done in a long time.

I said your name out loud. 

Then a summer breeze picked up and I swear I heard it carry your laughter. Tears fell down my face but I smiled.

In your rose garden I found life again. I found you again. I found God again.

I miss you every minute of every day but it was right there and then that I knew I would never be alone.

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Forgiveness by Matthew West –

Sometimes I Wish I Wasn’t Me

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

That inside I could be ugly

That I could cheat and lie

But I know if I did, a part of me would die

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

And I didn’t take care of my responsibilities

That I could go and buy the next big thing

But if I did, I know happiness it would not bring

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

That I didn’t have morals or integrity

That I didn’t believe in what I believe

But I do believe my dreams will be my reality

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

That I had the ability to deceive

But then I would wish I was somebody else

Because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

That I didn’t love so easily

That I could use people for my pleasure

But if I did I would feel terrible, not better

Sometime I wish I wasn’t me

I wish I could crawl into the dark and never leave

But I know there’s a fighter deep inside

That would never let me give up my life

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me

But those times are only paragraphs of my story

And I have entire chapters full of history

Of why I’m thankful I am me

We May Never See

Living in a world

We don’t want to see

Too much hurt and pain

Is our reality

Turn off the news

It doesn’t go away

It’s right next door

Seems like it’s here to stay

But I put pen to paper

Write out a few words

Maybe someone will read it

And it’ll help heal the hurt

No one’s perfect, we’ve all done wrong

We’re all paying for someone else’s crime

There’s a time to grieve and a time to grow

We all only have so much time

We all know right from wrong

We all have to live with our mistakes

We all have demons fighting to live

Do you sleep sound in the bed you make?

We all have hurt and pain

We all live in the dark and the light

We all have a choice to forgive

We all can give up or we can fight

We can be bridges or steps, too many are steps

Taking from others to raise themselves up

But being a bridge requires work to connect the gaps

We need more bridges connecting others with love

I’ve never been in your shoes

You’ve never been in mine

We’re not that different

We’re all trying to get through life

A little empathy can go a long way

A simple smile can be a spark

Thoughts matter but action is a verb

A kind word can heal a broken heart

We can all use a little help

I know we’ve turned into an instant culture

But we’re not building on solid foundations

Shifting sand only causes fallen structures

The wind blows and the water rises

And our what ifs and fears turn into reality

We have to lay stones and do the work today

To build a world we may never see

Take The Lead by Jimmy Levy –

Good Day For A Good Day by Michael Franti & Spearhead –